16 months and counting ....

As a widow for the last 16 months now, I've learned a lot, I've made mistakes, I've had great triumphs and many blessings, I have even laughed a lot! The one thing that still affects me though, is the overwhelming sense of feeling isolated and alone. I'm normally very outgoing, and chatty, and a big goober, but lately I'm feeling insecure, inadequate and overwhelmed. I think this is true with a lot of people in my case - and trying to carry the load of two parents for six children hasn't been that easy. I forget things, like starting a load of laundry late Saturday night so my son has clean clothes for church on Sunday morning, only to realize that I don't have any detergent anywhere in my house. So it required a late night run to Walmart to buy detergent.

Dinners happen whenever I feel the urge to actually cook. And then I get cool mom points if the kids actually eat it. I forget to call the school when my child has been sick, and then if I forget too many times I get the letter from the school that sheds major light onto my future ... yes, then I jump into this needs to be taken care of mode and everything else can wait. Or I'm not on my game to check that the teen car has gas in it when they leave, because I don't drive that car, and then have to go and "Rescue" the kids before it's a real rescue. Losing a debit card, because I was lazy and put it in my pocket instead of my purse/wallet and it fell out somewhere in the HOGLE ZOO - yeah not one of my better moments, but I won't tell you that it wasn't my first time losing the card, but it was my first time losing it at the zoo.

I've gone on a few trips with my kids and we've survived. I'm not sure how, and not sure why but we did, and those have been some of the best memories yet. I'm glad, because my kids need good memories to replace some not so great ones.

I get tired A LOT! I get BORED sometimes, and I only have so much energy to do things with and for the kids before I need to be recharged.

I have moments where I cry! The major ugly crying! ANd I have no reason why except that I'm feeling the pains of no one to talk to or be with at that moment. And the crazy thing is, it will always hit way late at night and I can't do anything about it anyway. So I have a good cry and then wake up the next day and push forward.

I'm trying to create dreams and plans for my life, but sometimes I think the easiest way is to just "ROLL" with it. I find more happiness in just being in the moment rather than looking too far ahead at what should/could/ will happen.

I've had dark moments, moments that I don't know what I was feeling, moments where I was extremely happy, and moments where I feel intense love from my father in heaven.

This journey isn't yours, but it is mine. I'm trying to handle it with dignity and strength, but sometimes, you lose sight of what's really important because lets face it, we're still human and mortal and have imperfect thoughts, and actions however, big or little they may be. What is important is that we strive to continually make course corrections no matter how little to get it going in the right direction so we end up where we want to be. It's so easy to get distracted, but as soon as we realize it, we are free to get back on task and make progress again.

Along the way we'll have people that point fingers at us, or we have people leave our lives, and as sad as that can be sometimes, there are better things ahead. It's all about faith! And for me it's a huge test right now. And I'm doing the best I can. What I need are people who encourage me, people who support me - no matter how dumb my ideas are, people who will laugh with me and not just at me, I need people who will uplift me and make me want to keep continuing, people who will cry with me when that is needed, people who offer an evening away for a sanity break, I need people who will say HI, and smile when you see me out and about. I need people who will love me for who I am and not judge me based on what I'm not doing right in your eyes. I need people who will step up and help out with my kids and make them feel loved and appreciated to. I need people who

I have found love again, and though it hasn't been easy to start over, it's been so worth it. Because we are two imperfect people trying to build a new relationship, and it takes time, energy and effort to make something last. It feels good to have someone who loves me, and just his sheer presence makes me HAPPIER, and I feel so awesome and good when we're together. It's a journey and I'm finding ways to enjoy it as I go along. And reasons to laugh - like keeping a red-box movie or two for about three weeks and then having to pay that crazy fine. See - I'm not perfect, I'm not beating myself up, but I do have a great red charger I can hop in and drive if I get feeling to overwhelmed and frustrated!

So those who want to know how I'm really doing? I'm doing okay! I have great days, and terrible days and everything in between. I try to find humor in everyday and laugh. My kids are doing okay! Same applies to them. I do think that losing their dad at a young age has propelled them into being very responsible people a lot sooner. They are still pesky goobers that make a lot of noise and never like what I make for dinner, and leave trash every where but I love them and they are all that I'm trying to survive for. So I don't have a plague, I'm not disturbed (well mostly I'm not), but I am just like you but with a very tender and sometime sad heart. I'm not scary to approach, and I have no problem talking about my story. Ask my kids how they are doing, because they have been suffering from this too.

I have a few goals, I have some ideas, and I'm trying bit by bit to make a life happen for myself that I can look back on and know I didn't waste any opportunity. Now I won't indulge in eating exotic foods, but it would be nice to travel someday and hopefully I can make that a reality. But on my own - NO WAY! With any or all kids - NO WAY! At least not until they are grown.

Now that I've wasted the last hour of your life while you waded through my jumbled words carry on and remember you don't know what anyone else is really struggling with, so try not to judge someone based on how they interact with you.

And you might have thought we were crazy

So, when Chris and I met we were at school up at Ricks College (then, now it's called BYU Idaho) up in Rexburg, Idaho.   He had been home from his mission for just a few months, not sure exactly how many - it might have been closer to a year actually.   But, we were in the same student ward - which meant we were in the same church congregation.  

We were in this same ward since August when the school year and semester had started in 1997.  But we didn't really get to know each other until a few months later, like January 1998.  We were placed in the same Family Home Evening group and got to see each other every Monday, and quickly we started talking more and more. We would see each other on campus and stop and chat, I may have even missed a class or two just so I could talk with him.   When we met it was in the middle of winter in Rexburg and it was so cold.  So a lot of the time we would sit in his car and talk for hours just getting to know each other.  

A lot of the day to day details are now fuzzy, but one night for FHE he picked me up and threw me over his shoulder and then placed me in a snow bank and held me down for a room mate of mine to white wash my face (rubbing snow all over).  Crazy times.   We went out to Milhollow for frozen yogurt and had a few of my roomies with us, and we talked and visited and held hands under the table like we were trying to hide something like little kids.   It makes me laugh now!   My roomies that came left before we did, and we took our time and were holding hands on the way back.  And we stood out in front of my house that I lived in, under a tree and I thought to myself, that I wasn't kissing another boy unless it was the boy I was going to marry ( I had a kissed a handful or two while at college -- oops)  but we were standing there close to curfew time, facing each other, gazing in to each others eyes - and then we kissed.   Right after that - the lady that managed the place popped her head out and asked if I needed a late pass.  Oh my gosh!  I was almost embarrassed.   After that we said good night, and then life was never the same.  

We were pretty much inseparable after that.  That first kiss was March 16, 1998 - and within a few more weeks of that, we knew we were supposed to get married.  It was quick.  From the time we had our first kiss till we were married, it was 100 days.   Crazy fast yes.  People thought we were nuts.  And we may have been.   But when it's right, it's right.  In April of that year, I graduated with my associates in generals from Ricks College and my parents came up for that. Plus I turned 20 the same day I graduated, so we the four of us went out for lunch or dinner and spent some time together.  This was the first time my parents had met him in person, and they were leery of me and what I was thinking.  Apparently Chris had asked my dad if he could marry me and apparently my Dad couldn't say Yes, fast enough.  The story goes, that my Dad paid Chris to marry me so that he didn't have to take care of me financially anymore.  Haha...  That didn't really happen, it's just the joke.   

I went through the temple for my endowment in May about a month after my birthday and about a month before our wedding date.  In June we were married in the Mt. Timpanogos temple for Time and all Eternity.  And that was the best day of my life!  We felt the need not to wait to have children, so almost immediately we were expecting our first child.   And she was born 10 months after we were married.  We have had several of our kids a bit faster than most people, and though we planned for pretty much all of our children the timing in which they came was a little quicker than what we had planned.  Knowing now, what has happened, I'm glad we didn't hesitate!  As it is, we only got a little over 16 years together here on Earth.  Not nearly enough, and having to adjust my life without him in it every day has been hard, and I'm sure it will continue to be hard.  

So for those who thought we were crazy getting married so young, and only knowing each other for such a short time,  what happened two months ago is exactly why things happened so fast.  I'm so grateful for the time we had together, for the love of a man who was righteous and honored his priesthood.  For a man who was great with his children, and loved spending every minute he could with them.  Who would surprise me with flowers on days when I really needed it.  All these things I'm going to miss in the future, but luckily I have all these things as part of my past and my life with him.  

I never imagined loosing him so soon, and especially not while we still have young children.  I am praying that I can rise to this challenge now that is before me and honor him by doing the things that we had talked about, and the things that were important to us in teaching our kids.  I feel overwhelmed most days because I have a huge load to carry now.  And some days it feels unbearable.  But I know I have something to work harder for now, because I want to see my sweetheart again!  So you might have thought we were crazy - but you know what, I think we were just following God's plan for us.