Monday, March 14, 2016

16 months and counting ....

As a widow for the last 16 months now, I've learned a lot, I've made mistakes, I've had great triumphs and many blessings, I have even laughed a lot! The one thing that still affects me though, is the overwhelming sense of feeling isolated and alone. I'm normally very outgoing, and chatty, and a big goober, but lately I'm feeling insecure, inadequate and overwhelmed. I think this is true with a lot of people in my case - and trying to carry the load of two parents for six children hasn't been that easy. I forget things, like starting a load of laundry late Saturday night so my son has clean clothes for church on Sunday morning, only to realize that I don't have any detergent anywhere in my house. So it required a late night run to Walmart to buy detergent.

Dinners happen whenever I feel the urge to actually cook. And then I get cool mom points if the kids actually eat it. I forget to call the school when my child has been sick, and then if I forget too many times I get the letter from the school that sheds major light onto my future ... yes, then I jump into this needs to be taken care of mode and everything else can wait. Or I'm not on my game to check that the teen car has gas in it when they leave, because I don't drive that car, and then have to go and "Rescue" the kids before it's a real rescue. Losing a debit card, because I was lazy and put it in my pocket instead of my purse/wallet and it fell out somewhere in the HOGLE ZOO - yeah not one of my better moments, but I won't tell you that it wasn't my first time losing the card, but it was my first time losing it at the zoo.

I've gone on a few trips with my kids and we've survived. I'm not sure how, and not sure why but we did, and those have been some of the best memories yet. I'm glad, because my kids need good memories to replace some not so great ones.

I get tired A LOT! I get BORED sometimes, and I only have so much energy to do things with and for the kids before I need to be recharged.

I have moments where I cry! The major ugly crying! ANd I have no reason why except that I'm feeling the pains of no one to talk to or be with at that moment. And the crazy thing is, it will always hit way late at night and I can't do anything about it anyway. So I have a good cry and then wake up the next day and push forward.

I'm trying to create dreams and plans for my life, but sometimes I think the easiest way is to just "ROLL" with it. I find more happiness in just being in the moment rather than looking too far ahead at what should/could/ will happen.

I've had dark moments, moments that I don't know what I was feeling, moments where I was extremely happy, and moments where I feel intense love from my father in heaven.

This journey isn't yours, but it is mine. I'm trying to handle it with dignity and strength, but sometimes, you lose sight of what's really important because lets face it, we're still human and mortal and have imperfect thoughts, and actions however, big or little they may be. What is important is that we strive to continually make course corrections no matter how little to get it going in the right direction so we end up where we want to be. It's so easy to get distracted, but as soon as we realize it, we are free to get back on task and make progress again.

Along the way we'll have people that point fingers at us, or we have people leave our lives, and as sad as that can be sometimes, there are better things ahead. It's all about faith! And for me it's a huge test right now. And I'm doing the best I can. What I need are people who encourage me, people who support me - no matter how dumb my ideas are, people who will laugh with me and not just at me, I need people who will uplift me and make me want to keep continuing, people who will cry with me when that is needed, people who offer an evening away for a sanity break, I need people who will say HI, and smile when you see me out and about. I need people who will love me for who I am and not judge me based on what I'm not doing right in your eyes. I need people who will step up and help out with my kids and make them feel loved and appreciated to. I need people who

I have found love again, and though it hasn't been easy to start over, it's been so worth it. Because we are two imperfect people trying to build a new relationship, and it takes time, energy and effort to make something last. It feels good to have someone who loves me, and just his sheer presence makes me HAPPIER, and I feel so awesome and good when we're together. It's a journey and I'm finding ways to enjoy it as I go along. And reasons to laugh - like keeping a red-box movie or two for about three weeks and then having to pay that crazy fine. See - I'm not perfect, I'm not beating myself up, but I do have a great red charger I can hop in and drive if I get feeling to overwhelmed and frustrated!

So those who want to know how I'm really doing? I'm doing okay! I have great days, and terrible days and everything in between. I try to find humor in everyday and laugh. My kids are doing okay! Same applies to them. I do think that losing their dad at a young age has propelled them into being very responsible people a lot sooner. They are still pesky goobers that make a lot of noise and never like what I make for dinner, and leave trash every where but I love them and they are all that I'm trying to survive for. So I don't have a plague, I'm not disturbed (well mostly I'm not), but I am just like you but with a very tender and sometime sad heart. I'm not scary to approach, and I have no problem talking about my story. Ask my kids how they are doing, because they have been suffering from this too.

I have a few goals, I have some ideas, and I'm trying bit by bit to make a life happen for myself that I can look back on and know I didn't waste any opportunity. Now I won't indulge in eating exotic foods, but it would be nice to travel someday and hopefully I can make that a reality. But on my own - NO WAY! With any or all kids - NO WAY! At least not until they are grown.

Now that I've wasted the last hour of your life while you waded through my jumbled words carry on and remember you don't know what anyone else is really struggling with, so try not to judge someone based on how they interact with you.

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