tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23204473405963462812024-02-18T21:07:08.613-08:00Crazy Times 100 My new journey as a widow as I turn to God with Faith and Hope. The ups the downs and everything in between. Wendyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13585298758058959095noreply@blogger.comBlogger112125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2320447340596346281.post-45446502764168098212016-03-14T21:12:00.000-07:002016-03-14T21:12:55.069-07:0016 months and counting .... <div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<span data-offset-key="1k766-0-0"><span data-text="true">As a widow for the last 16 months now, I've learned a lot, I've made mistakes, I've had great triumphs and many blessings, I have even laughed a lot! The one thing that still affects me though, is the overwhelming sense of feeling isolated and alone. I'm normally very outgoing, and chatty, and a big goober, but lately I'm feeling insecure, inadequate and overwhelmed. I think this is true with a lot of people in my case - and trying to carry the load of two parents for six children hasn't been that easy. I forget things, like starting a load of laundry late Saturday night so my son has clean clothes for church on Sunday morning, only to realize that I don't have any detergent anywhere in my house. So it required a late night run to Walmart to buy detergent. </span></span></div>
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<span data-offset-key="lbfd-0-0"><span data-text="true">Dinners happen whenever I feel the urge to actually cook. And then I get cool mom points if the kids actually eat it. I forget to call the school when my child has been sick, and then if I forget too many times I get the letter from the school that sheds major light onto my future ... yes, then I jump into this needs to be taken care of mode and everything else can wait. Or I'm not on my game to check that the teen car has gas in it when they leave, because I don't drive that car, and then have to go and "Rescue" the kids before it's a real rescue. Losing a debit card, because I was lazy and put it in my pocket instead of my purse/wallet and it fell out somewhere in the HOGLE ZOO - yeah not one of my better moments, but I won't tell you that it wasn't my first time losing the card, but it was my first time losing it at the zoo. </span></span></div>
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<span data-offset-key="e71vf-0-0"><span data-text="true">I've gone on a few trips with my kids and we've survived. I'm not sure how, and not sure why but we did, and those have been some of the best memories yet. I'm glad, because my kids need good memories to replace some not so great ones. </span></span></div>
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<span data-offset-key="3olm0-0-0"><span data-text="true">I get tired A LOT! I get BORED sometimes, and I only have so much energy to do things with and for the kids before I need to be recharged. </span></span></div>
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<span data-offset-key="8qncv-0-0"><span data-text="true">I have moments where I cry! The major ugly crying! ANd I have no reason why except that I'm feeling the pains of no one to talk to or be with at that moment. And the crazy thing is, it will always hit way late at night and I can't do anything about it anyway. So I have a good cry and then wake up the next day and push forward. </span></span></div>
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<span data-offset-key="98hpq-0-0"><span data-text="true">I'm trying to create dreams and plans for my life, but sometimes I think the easiest way is to just "ROLL" with it. I find more happiness in just being in the moment rather than looking too far ahead at what should/could/ will happen. </span></span></div>
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<span data-offset-key="f5g2s-0-0"><span data-text="true">I've had dark moments, moments that I don't know what I was feeling, moments where I was extremely happy, and moments where I feel intense love from my father in heaven. </span></span></div>
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<span data-offset-key="31fn4-0-0"><span data-text="true">This journey isn't yours, but it is mine. I'm trying to handle it with dignity and strength, but sometimes, you lose sight of what's really important because lets face it, we're still human and mortal and have imperfect thoughts, and actions however, big or little they may be. What is important is that we strive to continually make course corrections no matter how little to get it going in the right direction so we end up where we want to be. It's so easy to get distracted, but as soon as we realize it, we are free to get back on task and make progress again. </span></span></div>
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<span data-offset-key="84jcr-0-0"><span data-text="true">Along the way we'll have people that point fingers at us, or we have people leave our lives, and as sad as that can be sometimes, there are better things ahead. It's all about faith! And for me it's a huge test right now. And I'm doing the best I can. What I need are people who encourage me, people who support me - no matter how dumb my ideas are, people who will laugh with me and not just at me, I need people who will uplift me and make me want to keep continuing, people who will cry with me when that is needed, people who offer an evening away for a sanity break, I need people who will say HI, and smile when you see me out and about. I need people who will love me for who I am and not judge me based on what I'm not doing right in your eyes. I need people who will step up and help out with my kids and make them feel loved and appreciated to. I need people who </span></span></div>
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<span data-offset-key="debri-0-0"><span data-text="true">I have found love again, and though it hasn't been easy to start over, it's been so worth it. Because we are two imperfect people trying to build a new relationship, and it takes time, energy and effort to make something last. It feels good to have someone who loves me, and just his sheer presence makes me HAPPIER, and I feel so awesome and good when we're together. It's a journey and I'm finding ways to enjoy it as I go along. And reasons to laugh - like keeping a red-box movie or two for about three weeks and then having to pay that crazy fine. See - I'm not perfect, I'm not beating myself up, but I do have a great red charger I can hop in and drive if I get feeling to overwhelmed and frustrated! </span></span></div>
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<span data-offset-key="5k4mv-0-0"><span data-text="true">So those who want to know how I'm really doing? I'm doing okay! I have great days, and terrible days and everything in between. I try to find humor in everyday and laugh. My kids are doing okay! Same applies to them. I do think that losing their dad at a young age has propelled them into being very responsible people a lot sooner. They are still pesky goobers that make a lot of noise and never like what I make for dinner, and leave trash every where but I love them and they are all that I'm trying to survive for. So I don't have a plague, I'm not disturbed (well mostly I'm not), but I am just like you but with a very tender and sometime sad heart. I'm not scary to approach, and I have no problem talking about my story. Ask my kids how they are doing, because they have been suffering from this too.</span></span></div>
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<span data-offset-key="3f22b-0-0"><span data-text="true">I have a few goals, I have some ideas, and I'm trying bit by bit to make a life happen for myself that I can look back on and know I didn't waste any opportunity. Now I won't indulge in eating exotic foods, but it would be nice to travel someday and hopefully I can make that a reality. But on my own - NO WAY! With any or all kids - NO WAY! At least not until they are grown. </span></span></div>
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<span data-offset-key="bmso-0-0"><span data-text="true">Now that I've wasted the last hour of your life while you waded through my jumbled words carry on and remember you don't know what anyone else is really struggling with, so try not to judge someone based on how they interact with you. </span></span></div>
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Wendyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13585298758058959095noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2320447340596346281.post-9659955054708828092016-01-27T21:06:00.001-08:002016-01-27T21:07:45.308-08:00Looking back but moving forward... <div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
Sorry it's a long one!!<br />
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I have to say that through this last year, I have felt very weak at times, wanting to give up at others, and feeling extremely overwhelmed by all the tasks that I was now solely responsible for. <br />
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And as annoying as it got to hear so many people tell me how strong I was and that I was an inspiration to them for how I was dealing with things in my life under the current situation, I didn't see it, I didn't feel it - but deep down that's what kept me afloat when I was all but sinking. My struggles have been real and they have been hard, they've been emotional, spiritual, and physical. And when you feel like your whole world was yanked from under your feet trying to find solid ground again becomes difficult. At times it doesn't feel possible. I'm not perfect, I struggle with lots of things, but I try to be a good person and do what's right and when I realize I've gotten of course, I do what's needed to make those course corrections. <br />
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I have friends right now facing their own struggles. One's I don't want! One's I think are very TOUGH compared to mine. But if I could make their burdens any lighter I would in a heartbeat. <br />
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My wish is for everyone to not be so quick to pass judgement on someone else. That person might just be having some real struggles going on that you know nothing of, and they might be a pivotal point where your actions towards them, or your words said aloud to them can push them over the edge if they aren't kind words. We need to look for the good in others. After all we are all children of a loving heavenly father - who loves us and we should love him. <br />
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If it wasn't for everyone who has prayed and might be praying still for my kids and I - I'd for sure be swallowed up in the massive depths of despair and loneliness never to surface and be social and helpful ever again. I know I say I have to do everything alone now that Chris has been gone for over 14 months, but really I know I'm not doing it alone. Sometimes my vision gets clouded over and I don't exactly see the help from others. Sometimes it's just a simple comment, a smile, or a hug - or leaders and friends that do so much for my children that I can't do. <br />
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The burden has been heavy at times, until I reach heavenward and invoke the powers of the atonement to help ease the pains and grief that I'm experiencing. Even as I write this, my eyes are drenched with tears knowing where I was when this all happened and where I am now and where I'm headed still. <br />
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Everyday we have a chance to make a difference and I'm so grateful that so many of you have reached out to me right when it was needed. Loosing a spouse (or any loved one) isn't easy with or without the gospel. But with the gospel it is more bearable and becomes easier to carry that load. Just because you might be a good person doesn't mean "bad or terrible" things aren't going to happen. It's how you deal and handle it that defines who you are. <br />
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I was feeling weak, very weak for awhile, but I feel I've found my footing again and am pressing forward with a steadfastness in Christ and holding firm to the rod that will take me back to my heavenly father, and I hope that along the way I can help others that are struggling. I know the realness of it, and how easy it is to slip into not thinking its worth it, but you know what it is! <br />
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Life is worth living and it's our privilege to be here! We have bad times and hard days but we're not designed to be sad and depressed because things aren't going according to plan. And if it's not going according to your plan then maybe that's the lords way of saying I have a different plan for you.</div>
Wendyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13585298758058959095noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2320447340596346281.post-78479998296417699492016-01-22T08:53:00.000-08:002016-01-22T08:53:12.043-08:00Friday's Myths and Facts _1 <div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
Today I sit and wonder about a lot of things! <br /><br />
MYTH: I've observed some things since I've moved into our new home in Santaquin just four months ago. In my head I pictured that the house would not have trash laying about because of my children. I thought they would magically clean up after themselves and that all remnants of anything resembling trash would end up in the garbage can. <br /><br />FACT: Said kids leave said trash around said house. <br />----------------------------------------------------------------------------<br />MYTH: In my head I imagined that my front room which is termed the piano room would remain my CLEAN and TIDY all the time room. We'd reserve it for chilling in the evenings, and when visiting teachers or friends come over that want a fun room to visit in. <br />
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FACT: Said room is the first stop in the door and said kids above leave their things in there all the time. Right now there are throw blankets all over the room. It'd take like five - seven minutes to tidy the whole room up but what am I doing first? That's right entertaining myself and pumping myself up for a day full of more tasks like that. <br />-----------------------------------------------------------------------------<br />MYTH: I thought I'd never fall down my own stairs because I'd always hold onto the rail as I'm going up or coming down. <br />
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FACT: Just a few weeks ago I ended up with a sore bum because I was being productive and cleaning trash from my room because I had a late night snack and then fell asleep the night before. I didn't have a free hand because it was more than one late night snack and right at the bottom of the stairs BUMP, thump and CRASH. Needless to say I now take more time coming down but going up I climb it like a stinking monkey. I'm using my hands on the stairs ahead of me and crawling up them like I'm an animal. (My dog Lexie beats me every time)<br />------------------------------------------------------------------------------<br />
MYTH: I thought I'd be parking in my garage that is attached to my house. I've never had a home with this setup and was really excited for it. <br /><br />FACT: Because of my own doing and wanting to clear space on the inside of the home we moved ALL the boxes and STUFF that we moved in to our house into the garage. I was only parking in the garage for a few days before I banished my own vehicles from using that space as I had intended. Now it's on my to do list ASAP because of my pretty new car that I want parked in there. But these days I have the motivation of a snail and seem to move very slowly. Maybe it's just the January blues, or maybe I just suck, either way I know it needs to be cleared out. And half of my mind wants to just load it up and throw it ALL AWAY. I don't even care what it is. I just want it gone. But the other half of me thinks that maybe I'll find hidden money in mass quantities and should check every box in there! Wishful dreaming I know but still it's something I struggle with. <br />
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MYTH: I thought after Chris died a little over 14 months ago that no man in his right mind would ever want to take on my situation, that being a widow with six kids. But I was hopeful but not too hopeful back then. <br /><br />FACT: Actually there is a man that I have in my life and I love him more than anything. He has come along right when I needed him, and he's helping bring balance back to my life. And I hope that I can do the same for him. My kids all adore him and he likes all of them and thinks that they are amazing kids. (Sometimes they aren't though). Sometime to be determined we'll start a life together, but until then I'm cherishing all the moments we have together and coming up with dreams and plans for the new family unit we'll be in the near future. <br /><br />________________________________________________________________________________<br />
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Stay tuned for next Friday's edition. I had so much fun with this one, and feel a little bit of my stress and frustrations relieved that I think I'll continue this for an unidentifiable amount of time. Which means this could be the only one, or it might not. </div>
Wendyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13585298758058959095noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2320447340596346281.post-89329792001604702722015-08-24T14:40:00.000-07:002015-08-24T14:40:28.157-07:00I've made it 9 plus months as a widow<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<span data-offset-key="4epo-0-0" data-reactid=".8r.1.0.1.0.0.$editor0.0.0.$4epo.0:$4epo-0-0"><span data-reactid=".8r.1.0.1.0.0.$editor0.0.0.$4epo.0:$4epo-0-0.0">I've registered my kids in new schools closer to where we'll be living hopefully soon. I've signed papers back in February for having a new home built that we would want to move into. I've been dealing with all the ups and downs of the home building process which include delays, seeing visible progress and getting excited when the flooring was laid and I had most of a kitchen put in. </span></span></div>
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<span data-offset-key="6ndo6-0-0" data-reactid=".8r.1.0.1.0.0.$editor0.0.0.$6ndo6.0:$6ndo6-0-0"><span data-reactid=".8r.1.0.1.0.0.$editor0.0.0.$6ndo6.0:$6ndo6-0-0.0">I've kept my kids alive. Showers, and enough sleep, and whether they had decent food to eat were always optional. (Hey I can't do everything!) they had plenty of amazing friends to play with and make memories with. </span></span></div>
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<span data-offset-key="4lbfi-0-0" data-reactid=".8r.1.0.1.0.0.$editor0.0.0.$4lbfi.0:$4lbfi-0-0"><br data-reactid=".8r.1.0.1.0.0.$editor0.0.0.$4lbfi.0:$4lbfi-0-0.0" /></span></div>
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<span data-offset-key="1omvm-0-0" data-reactid=".8r.1.0.1.0.0.$editor0.0.0.$1omvm.0:$1omvm-0-0"><span data-reactid=".8r.1.0.1.0.0.$editor0.0.0.$1omvm.0:$1omvm-0-0.0">I decided to purchase a projector for the awesome use of watching movies outdoors. Guess who's house will rock next summer in Santaquin? That's right our house! </span></span></div>
<div class="_209g _2vxa" data-block="true" data-offset-key="ivdk-0-0" data-reactid=".8r.1.0.1.0.0.$editor0.0.0.$ivdk">
<span data-offset-key="ivdk-0-0" data-reactid=".8r.1.0.1.0.0.$editor0.0.0.$ivdk.0:$ivdk-0-0"><br data-reactid=".8r.1.0.1.0.0.$editor0.0.0.$ivdk.0:$ivdk-0-0.0" /></span></div>
<div class="_209g _2vxa" data-block="true" data-offset-key="4givt-0-0" data-reactid=".8r.1.0.1.0.0.$editor0.0.0.$4givt">
<span data-offset-key="4givt-0-0" data-reactid=".8r.1.0.1.0.0.$editor0.0.0.$4givt.0:$4givt-0-0"><span data-reactid=".8r.1.0.1.0.0.$editor0.0.0.$4givt.0:$4givt-0-0.0">I have decided to go back to school and that starts in September. I've also decided to take a LONG trip with my kids to California in October and to attend an all school reunion for TRONA high school. And follow that up with a few days at Disneyland and a trip to the beach! I ordered a rack for the hitch of my tahoe and the big 15 sq ft of space bag that can be used to go with it for use on this specific trip. </span></span></div>
<div class="_209g _2vxa" data-block="true" data-offset-key="cju1t-0-0" data-reactid=".8r.1.0.1.0.0.$editor0.0.0.$cju1t">
<span data-offset-key="cju1t-0-0" data-reactid=".8r.1.0.1.0.0.$editor0.0.0.$cju1t.0:$cju1t-0-0"><br data-reactid=".8r.1.0.1.0.0.$editor0.0.0.$cju1t.0:$cju1t-0-0.0" /></span></div>
<div class="_209g _2vxa" data-block="true" data-offset-key="am0t8-0-0" data-reactid=".8r.1.0.1.0.0.$editor0.0.0.$am0t8">
<span data-offset-key="am0t8-0-0" data-reactid=".8r.1.0.1.0.0.$editor0.0.0.$am0t8.0:$am0t8-0-0"><span data-reactid=".8r.1.0.1.0.0.$editor0.0.0.$am0t8.0:$am0t8-0-0.0">I've also taken my kids camping right alongside their Aund and Uncle and cousins. There are things I'm doing that I never thought I could have done all those months ago. Here I am doing them. I'm living them. I'm coming up with my new plans and goals. I'm drawing myself to Christ and to God, and rely on them for daily strength. Sometimes I am not sure how the heck I make it from one day to the next or even minute to minute, but somehow I am. And I know it's because of my faith. </span></span></div>
<div class="_209g _2vxa" data-block="true" data-offset-key="8jjlk-0-0" data-reactid=".8r.1.0.1.0.0.$editor0.0.0.$8jjlk">
<span data-offset-key="8jjlk-0-0" data-reactid=".8r.1.0.1.0.0.$editor0.0.0.$8jjlk.0:$8jjlk-0-0"><br data-reactid=".8r.1.0.1.0.0.$editor0.0.0.$8jjlk.0:$8jjlk-0-0.0" /></span></div>
<div class="_209g _2vxa" data-block="true" data-offset-key="26rku-0-0" data-reactid=".8r.1.0.1.0.0.$editor0.0.0.$26rku">
<span data-offset-key="26rku-0-0" data-reactid=".8r.1.0.1.0.0.$editor0.0.0.$26rku.0:$26rku-0-0"><span data-reactid=".8r.1.0.1.0.0.$editor0.0.0.$26rku.0:$26rku-0-0.0">I've taken a spontaneous overnight trip out of state and left my kids overnight by themselves ... I can still be a human and do things. Which is exactly what I want to do. I've met a lot of different people along this journey, and from some I have learned alot and pull tremendous strength from and others,.... they have weeded themselves out of my life. And that's okay to. I know that those who are supposed to be in my life will stick around and those that don't will go away. (I might have to force them to leave, but I'm not scared to say such a thing if needed) </span></span></div>
<div class="_209g _2vxa" data-block="true" data-offset-key="evd3v-0-0" data-reactid=".8r.1.0.1.0.0.$editor0.0.0.$evd3v">
<span data-offset-key="evd3v-0-0" data-reactid=".8r.1.0.1.0.0.$editor0.0.0.$evd3v.0:$evd3v-0-0"><br data-reactid=".8r.1.0.1.0.0.$editor0.0.0.$evd3v.0:$evd3v-0-0.0" /></span></div>
<div class="_209g _2vxa" data-block="true" data-offset-key="9r324-0-0" data-reactid=".8r.1.0.1.0.0.$editor0.0.0.$9r324">
<span data-offset-key="9r324-0-0" data-reactid=".8r.1.0.1.0.0.$editor0.0.0.$9r324.0:$9r324-0-0"><span data-reactid=".8r.1.0.1.0.0.$editor0.0.0.$9r324.0:$9r324-0-0.0">I've had a few "learning experiences" in the dating scene that has awakened my sense of awareness that I know what is necessary and what isn't. It's easy for Satan's influence to take over if you let it. Luckily I've risen from those mistakes and am a better person because of it. </span></span></div>
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<span data-offset-key="9li5m-0-0" data-reactid=".8r.1.0.1.0.0.$editor0.0.0.$9li5m.0:$9li5m-0-0"><br data-reactid=".8r.1.0.1.0.0.$editor0.0.0.$9li5m.0:$9li5m-0-0.0" /></span></div>
<div class="_209g _2vxa" data-block="true" data-offset-key="7l06d-0-0" data-reactid=".8r.1.0.1.0.0.$editor0.0.0.$7l06d">
<span data-offset-key="7l06d-0-0" data-reactid=".8r.1.0.1.0.0.$editor0.0.0.$7l06d.0:$7l06d-0-0"><span data-reactid=".8r.1.0.1.0.0.$editor0.0.0.$7l06d.0:$7l06d-0-0.0">So many times I feel like I was short changed in this life experience. Because Chris isn't here to experience it with me. But his time was up and he isn't required to be here for the next phase of my life. But I realize that even though he's not here doesn't mean that he doesn't love me any less and that he doesn't love our children any less. This whole dang experience has made me grow in ways that would not have been possible with him still beside me. But I know that I NEED to keep living life and enjoying it. Because if I just sit in misery from here on out because I'm choosing to, then shame on me. And he won't be too happy with me because of it. I often times feel like my life has had the ultimate challenge, but you know what ... I'd gladly take this over my friends challenges. I think mine is worse but in many ways it's a piece of cake ... I have a friend serving time in prison for mistakes and this friend has lost their freedom. I still have my freedom. This friend misses out on their family, and I still have my family. I've read stories from other widows/widowers where financially things are so much worse for them. I am in a really great place financially for the time being. Some people have lost everything they had and have to start over from scratch.... I'm willingly giving up things I have just so I can start fresh. I have friends that have had to live with family because things haven't worked out for them to be independent when they want to be. I've experienced friends who have wanted to have children and have not been blessed with that opportunity, when I know deep down they would be absolutely wonderful parents. And I've had the opportunity to have six. I've been richly blessed. I have known people who are so physically ill they can't do anything and I may have a thyroid disease but I can still do things. I sometimes might pay for it for a few days but I can still do stuff. I have a friend who was paralyzed in high school and has been in a wheelchair and this friend inspires me everyday. They have lost the abiltiy to walk and run and typical things like that but they still move on. I have my mobility still. </span></span></div>
<div class="_209g _2vxa" data-block="true" data-offset-key="egugg-0-0" data-reactid=".8r.1.0.1.0.0.$editor0.0.0.$egugg">
<span data-offset-key="egugg-0-0" data-reactid=".8r.1.0.1.0.0.$editor0.0.0.$egugg.0:$egugg-0-0"><br data-reactid=".8r.1.0.1.0.0.$editor0.0.0.$egugg.0:$egugg-0-0.0" /></span></div>
<div class="_209g _2vxa" data-block="true" data-offset-key="8lms8-0-0" data-reactid=".8r.1.0.1.0.0.$editor0.0.0.$8lms8">
<span data-offset-key="8lms8-0-0" data-reactid=".8r.1.0.1.0.0.$editor0.0.0.$8lms8.0:$8lms8-0-0"><span data-reactid=".8r.1.0.1.0.0.$editor0.0.0.$8lms8.0:$8lms8-0-0.0">Everywhere I look, I feel someone else has it worse than me! Yes, my house may look like 6 category F5 hurricanes may have run through here and FEMA hasn't shown up to clean up. So if you see my house as a wreck -- blame it on them. :) </span></span></div>
<div class="_209g _2vxa" data-block="true" data-offset-key="87kak-0-0" data-reactid=".8r.1.0.1.0.0.$editor0.0.0.$87kak">
<span data-offset-key="87kak-0-0" data-reactid=".8r.1.0.1.0.0.$editor0.0.0.$87kak.0:$87kak-0-0"><br data-reactid=".8r.1.0.1.0.0.$editor0.0.0.$87kak.0:$87kak-0-0.0" /></span></div>
<div class="_209g _2vxa" data-block="true" data-offset-key="8glgo-0-0" data-reactid=".8r.1.0.1.0.0.$editor0.0.0.$8glgo">
<span data-offset-key="8glgo-0-0" data-reactid=".8r.1.0.1.0.0.$editor0.0.0.$8glgo.0:$8glgo-0-0"><span data-reactid=".8r.1.0.1.0.0.$editor0.0.0.$8glgo.0:$8glgo-0-0.0">Simply put I am one woman who loves my Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ and turn to them for my strength. I knew when this first happened that it was more than I could do alone. Yes, you'll see my eyes fill with tears and then run down my face, if your see me drive in my car I sometimes BAWL and let it out (sorry if you experience that sight). I am a solo parent here on Earth trying to raise my 6 beautiful, amazing, wonderful children that can also frustrate me to no end. I can't live with them but don't want to live without them until they finish high school. Trying to figure everything out alone is difficult but I've always been ambitious in getting things figured out and getting them done. Plans don't always go according to how I hope but the end result still happens. And that, my friends, is the biggest lesson I've learned to date. That even though I had a plan and wanted it to go a certain way, Heavenly Father had a different path for my life, but the end result is still the same. So as long as I'm still moving in the general direction as best as I can, I am enough with their help. I don't want to do this, but I can do this. </span></span></div>
<div class="_209g _2vxa" data-block="true" data-offset-key="7f3j-0-0" data-reactid=".8r.1.0.1.0.0.$editor0.0.0.$7f3j">
<span data-offset-key="7f3j-0-0" data-reactid=".8r.1.0.1.0.0.$editor0.0.0.$7f3j.0:$7f3j-0-0"><br data-reactid=".8r.1.0.1.0.0.$editor0.0.0.$7f3j.0:$7f3j-0-0.0" /></span></div>
<div class="_209g _2vxa" data-block="true" data-offset-key="ernbn-0-0" data-reactid=".8r.1.0.1.0.0.$editor0.0.0.$ernbn">
<span data-offset-key="ernbn-0-0" data-reactid=".8r.1.0.1.0.0.$editor0.0.0.$ernbn.0:$ernbn-0-0"><span data-reactid=".8r.1.0.1.0.0.$editor0.0.0.$ernbn.0:$ernbn-0-0.0">I've had to settle the waves of grief in all of my children and it breaks my heart that they are going through this too. We're not perfect - far from it, but I'm trying to do my best and just relying on mercy from my heavenly father to make up the difference where I have fallen short. </span></span></div>
<div class="_209g _2vxa" data-block="true" data-offset-key="9rl10-0-0" data-reactid=".8r.1.0.1.0.0.$editor0.0.0.$9rl10">
<span data-offset-key="9rl10-0-0" data-reactid=".8r.1.0.1.0.0.$editor0.0.0.$9rl10.0:$9rl10-0-0"><br data-reactid=".8r.1.0.1.0.0.$editor0.0.0.$9rl10.0:$9rl10-0-0.0" /></span></div>
<div class="_209g _2vxa" data-block="true" data-offset-key="22p9f-0-0" data-reactid=".8r.1.0.1.0.0.$editor0.0.0.$22p9f">
<span data-offset-key="22p9f-0-0" data-reactid=".8r.1.0.1.0.0.$editor0.0.0.$22p9f.0:$22p9f-0-0"><span data-reactid=".8r.1.0.1.0.0.$editor0.0.0.$22p9f.0:$22p9f-0-0.0">I've also been able to get back into getting physically fit again, I've come a long way but still not there just yet. </span></span></div>
<div class="_209g _2vxa" data-block="true" data-offset-key="5p5g3-0-0" data-reactid=".8r.1.0.1.0.0.$editor0.0.0.$5p5g3">
<span data-offset-key="5p5g3-0-0" data-reactid=".8r.1.0.1.0.0.$editor0.0.0.$5p5g3.0:$5p5g3-0-0"><br data-reactid=".8r.1.0.1.0.0.$editor0.0.0.$5p5g3.0:$5p5g3-0-0.0" /></span></div>
<div class="_209g _2vxa" data-block="true" data-offset-key="b8iue-0-0" data-reactid=".8r.1.0.1.0.0.$editor0.0.0.$b8iue">
<span data-offset-key="b8iue-0-0" data-reactid=".8r.1.0.1.0.0.$editor0.0.0.$b8iue.0:$b8iue-0-0"><span data-reactid=".8r.1.0.1.0.0.$editor0.0.0.$b8iue.0:$b8iue-0-0.0">I feel cut off from friends that I had prior to Chris's death. I feel isolated sometimes. And I realized that being alone isn't good for me, I need people. So I make it a point to talk with other humans and get out of my house every day if I can. I want to be an influence for good in my life, just not sure how to go about that yet. </span></span></div>
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<span data-offset-key="2inaq-0-0" data-reactid=".8r.1.0.1.0.0.$editor0.0.0.$2inaq.0:$2inaq-0-0"><br data-reactid=".8r.1.0.1.0.0.$editor0.0.0.$2inaq.0:$2inaq-0-0.0" /></span></div>
<div class="_209g _2vxa" data-block="true" data-offset-key="g5lt-0-0" data-reactid=".8r.1.0.1.0.0.$editor0.0.0.$g5lt">
<span data-offset-key="g5lt-0-0" data-reactid=".8r.1.0.1.0.0.$editor0.0.0.$g5lt.0:$g5lt-0-0"><span data-reactid=".8r.1.0.1.0.0.$editor0.0.0.$g5lt.0:$g5lt-0-0.0">9 months out and several years in front of me. Things aren't going to be easy but I think I'm finally learning that they aren't meant to be. Only through our trials can we stretch and really grow and learn who it is that we're to be and become. </span></span></div>
<div class="_209g _2vxa" data-block="true" data-offset-key="6js0h-0-0" data-reactid=".8r.1.0.1.0.0.$editor0.0.0.$6js0h">
<span data-offset-key="6js0h-0-0" data-reactid=".8r.1.0.1.0.0.$editor0.0.0.$6js0h.0:$6js0h-0-0"><br data-reactid=".8r.1.0.1.0.0.$editor0.0.0.$6js0h.0:$6js0h-0-0.0" /></span></div>
<div class="_209g _2vxa" data-block="true" data-offset-key="2lar7-0-0" data-reactid=".8r.1.0.1.0.0.$editor0.0.0.$2lar7">
<span data-offset-key="2lar7-0-0" data-reactid=".8r.1.0.1.0.0.$editor0.0.0.$2lar7.0:$2lar7-0-0"><span data-reactid=".8r.1.0.1.0.0.$editor0.0.0.$2lar7.0:$2lar7-0-0.0">I don't know why this has been my trial, but I want to embrace it because I know it could be worse. And I don't need worse for me right now. </span></span></div>
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Wendyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13585298758058959095noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2320447340596346281.post-86841920551841725752015-04-05T08:28:00.000-07:002015-04-05T08:28:35.165-07:00Happy Easter - almost 5 months out <div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
So here I am almost 5 months out since my life was turned upside down. A lot has happened. A lot is still the same as it can be without him here. <br /><br />I've had moments where I can't believe people can be so mean. I've had moments where I've been completely happy. This isn't a black and white journey anymore. Actually it never was. I can be happy and get ambushed by a wave of emotions and I can be utterly feeling like all hope is lost and then someone comes along and makes me feel like that isn't the case. <br /><br />I've had a few more firsts that I've experienced without Chris. On St. Patty's day I fell off my back steps in the process of rolling my ankle. I cried. My phone went flying and I was more worried about it then myself for a few seconds at least. But I still took my kids bowling that night and they loved it. It was a lot of fun. <br /><br />I ended up playing in a basketball tournament game later that week too. And the last few years he was there in my cheering section. He was my one fan. And this year wasn't that way. I did have fun though. <br /><br />I've been hitting up the local rec center so I can workout 3 - 4 times a week. And I'm loving how I feel once again. I really don't know why I got off this wagon years ago. But I'm back and it's here to stay. <br /><br />I've also had a few dates in the last month as well. Two great men, and lots of laughs and fun times. It feels good to get out and do something with a male adult! Oh my gosh, I sure wish that life wasn't so unfair to people. So many different challenges and trials that people have to face and I keep wondering which one isn't so bad? Which one is the easy trial or challenge? But I've come to realize that they all stink. Just because I feel like the one I'm in is the ultimate awful one of losing the love of your life, there are others out there that are being tested to their capacity in different ways. <br /><br />I was blessed with a kind, loving and compassionate heart and hearing of people that I care about or those that I just meet and the things they have to deal with really make me empathize with them and I wish I could take away all their hurt and pain. <br /><br />This weekend is General Conference and this is the first one without him. It's been really different and the Saturday morning session was really hard. I know that we're sealed and will be with each other in the next life but it doesn't make the rest of this one any less lonely. Today is also Easter. He was the one that took care of prepping for Easter and not having him here really stinks. Not having anyone here stinks. But I guess so goes the course of my life. I'm such a people person and thrive on that and not having another person around to talk with and share my feelings with is hard. The lack of affection, is hard. All those things that you might take for granted you really start to miss. And even the things that I didn't take for granted I miss as well. <br /><br />The kids and I are taking a trip this Spring Break and it's going to be the first road trip without him too. It will be nice to get away though, I need to rejuvenate my mind and my goals and purpose for being here now. Because what I thought it was before he died is no longer what it is now. <br /><br />But since it's Easter I am feeling so much more different about the resurrection. And know that because of Jesus Christ's atonement he overcame death. And that because of him, my family is eternal. But knowing all of that still doesn't make the here and now a whole lot easier. I still have the load of two people fall on just my shoulders. I keep hearing rely on your friends and family. Well, it's easier said than done. I don't want to be a burden on anyone else, and if someone really wants to help then I feel like they can just freely offer and I can accept or decline. I know that life isn't over when someones earthly life is over. It is hard to want to go on, but I also know it's worse to sit back and chose to live in the past. My immediate future is looking great and I'm choosing to be happy. But because of others occasionally my happiness level is reduced. But on the same token if I feel like I need to cry and get the tears out and the frustration and stresses I don't hold back either. Yesterday was one of those days. And my car works as a great privacy sound barrier and I can sound as awful as I need to and nobody can hear me. <br /><br />I will cheerfully persevere. It's not going to be easy but if I can find ways to be happy in the moment all of the sudden I can look back and realize that I made a whole week, or month and was happy. And this last month has been just that. I've been happy. There were a few rough moments but just a few and they didn't last very long. I'm really glad that I do have two new friends that I can talk to if I need it. And they are fine with it. It makes me feel like someone else cares and I can get it out of my system and not keep talking to walls here in my own house. I am realizing the value of GOOD friends again. I've gone so many years having Chris as my one GOOD friend but I realize that he's not an option now. And finding others that aren't going to make me feel bad because of my situation are priceless right now. <br /><br />Happy Easter </div>
Wendyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13585298758058959095noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2320447340596346281.post-33596677831754783202015-03-17T09:21:00.000-07:002015-03-17T09:21:05.875-07:004 months out ... <div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
So as my life has been going on for the last four months I've had some great things happen, and still happening. <br /><br />We have committed to buying and building a house in Santaquin. Hopefully it will be finished by July/August before school starts back up. It's going to be nice to be somewhere to get a fresh, new start and continue to live life, being happy and helpful to others around me and my family. We are excited about the bigger house and the new location. Things are so much slower paced down there, and it still keeps me close to family and friends as needs arise and I need help. <br /><br />We're planning a trip to St. George over spring break which will be right after General Conference and Easter. I need to get away and go somewhere for a change of scenery. And this will accomplish that. The kids and I will have a blast I'm sure. Now to find where I put the printout for the reservations we made. haha. <br /><br />In October we'll be heading to Disneyland! I'm so excited about that. Hopefully I don't regret doing this especially being myself with six kiddos. I must already be insane to attempt something so crazy like this. But it will give the kids some happy memories and great times with their cousins just a month shy of the 1 year mark. <br /><br />I hope to take them camping a few times over the summer, but in the midst of packing up this house, I'm not sure how easy it will be. We've got girls camp in June, Day camp for Thomas, Youth Trek in July... it's going to be interesting to see how I can make things work out. <br /><br />And the most exciting part in my life is that I met someone! Well I actually meet lots of people, but this person, he is special. I've had a great time getting to know him, and meeting him in person since we met online. We've hit it off really well and I haven't laughed so hard in a long, long time. He helps me feel alive and excited about life again. It's nice to have someone to care about, and who cares about me. The kids have met him, and the boys are really excited. (Probably because he's a pilot, and the boys like his truck) <br /><br />It's amazing how I never thought I'd be in this spot only 4 months out. I've made a choice not to be so sad about everything anymore. I'm done with that part. I want to live life and be happy and that means moving forward. Sometimes I can't go quite as fast as I'd like because of the kids. But when I'm planning and doing things I'm so much happier. So now I'm trying to dig out of the "I don't care" attitude that I had for the first three months and now I'm climbing up and forward once again. <br /><br />I know that there will be times when I'll be overcome with emotion in the upcoming days, weeks or months and even throughout the years, but I know that I'm done living in the past thinking of things I've lost or won't be able to do, or for the simple fact that Chris isn't here anymore. I know he doesn't want me to be sad. He wasn't a sad person and he made me laugh a lot, and (made me frustrated a lot too). But he doesn't want me to be alone and he doesn't want me to be sad, So I'm choosing to not be sad anymore. And it's almost a miracle that I met such an amazing man so soon. It's going to be interesting to watch and see where this goes. It's refreshing and fun to have a special person in my life again. And this man's hugs are the best! I really enjoy the time that we get to spend together, and we might have to get creative in the future as to how we can spend time together But if this is meant to be things will just "work" out in a sense. That's how it's always been for me, and I can only hope that it continues with this situation to. <br /><br />I haven't been this happy in such a long time. I haven't laughed so hard and had a smile plastered to my face in a really long time. It's fun to have this kind of excitement in my life. He's a really great guy, and has had his own challenges, but who doesn't. I'm excited and look forward to getting to know him better. Maybe it's true that they say great things are still to come. <br /><br />I saw a quote the other day that I really liked <br />" If life can remove someone that you never dreamed of losing, <br />It can replace them with someone you never dreamt of having." <br />
<br />I feel completely comfortable with him, and I feel peace about this whole thing. So for now, I'm going with it. I find myself deeply smitten with him, and enjoy being with him and talking with him. It's all good right now. Crossing my fingers it can stay this way. <br /><br /> </div>
Wendyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13585298758058959095noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2320447340596346281.post-1623691758568253712015-02-02T20:51:00.001-08:002015-02-02T20:51:56.127-08:00When Destiny Calls ... <div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
Life is so surreal. I keep thinking that he'll be coming home any minute, and when he's not here by the normal get home from work time I still start to worry about him and whether he's alright or if he's gotten into an accident or something. It's so crazy! I think I'm starting to enter a numb phase again, this cycle of emotions is not fun, nor wanted. (at least not on a repeat cycle) <br />
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It's hard having my life turned upside down out of the blue. Having to rethink plans, come up with new dreams, set new goals, take on extra responsibilities and watching every thing around me fall to chaos. Not so much because I want it to, but I really have no desire to change it right now. I feel like I'm in a huge body of water and waves are just hitting me left and right and I'm having a hard time staying a float. And catching my breath in between the crushing waves. <br />
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And for those wondering if life is "back to normal" - we weren't normal before and we really aren't normal now. We're still learning to adjust, and some moments it's all I can do to just survive. Here I've almost made it three months without him and I never saw myself here. It's a long time to be without someone you love so dearly and deeply. Every day passes and I realize even more and more how amazing he was beyond what I new and felt when he was alive. <br />
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I haven't really made food in the last three months, I've been good to keep snacks and fresh fruit and veggies on hand and my kids have helped themselves, and thanks to families in my neighborhood and ward we've had plenty of meals brought in so we haven't starved. I just don't seem to have the drive I had before, but I guess that's normal too. <br />
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Everyone seems to have all the answers for me. Apparently I'm supposed to just shake it off and be okay. Well, it doesn't work like that. And right now, I might seem okay but don't hold it against me if I'm not okay in 5 minutes. I feel like everyone wants to walk on eggshells around me, I just want to feel like I fit in still, but in some ways I feel like I don't and I never will. Trying to carve out "my space" is consuming all of my time, but even then I have to suck up the creation of me and focus on my kids. <br />
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They are doing well, mostly. I'm pulling my second oldest out of public school and enrolling her in the Provo school districts e-school. Hopefully we'll finish that up tomorrow, getting her withdrawal complete that is. The other kids are still attending as usual, but I can't help but feel that sometimes I'm not going to be enough to get them ready for what lays ahead. How can I? I don't even know what lays ahead. Thank goodness I have wise, church leaders that are concerned for and care about us. <br />
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Lonely is the all encompassing word to describe what I feel, and saying "I miss Chris" is the all encompassing phrase that describes how I feel about him being in the next phase of life. I keep a family photo in my living room and I look at it often, and if it weren't for the photo, I think I'd start to forget what he looks like. <br />
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I had an experience tonight that was kind of sweet and brought more tears amongst the ones of missing him that I was already producing. I said out loud that I need you Chris, and when I sat in the car with tears streaming down my face, a song came on the radio that I know wasn't a coincidence. <br />
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It was Phil Collins You'll Be in my Heart - <br />
There was a part that says,<br />
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<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="color: purple;"> "When destiny calls you <br />You must be strong <br />I may not be with you <br />But you've got to hold on<br />They'll see in time I know<br />We'll show them together. <br /><br />'Cause you'll be in my heart<br />Believe me,you'll be in my heart (I'll be there) <br />From this day on <br />Now and forever more." </span></span><br />
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There were parts that specifically spoke to me and I know that he tries to communicate to me through music. Then it says "Just look over your shoulder, just look over your shoulder ..." and you know what I looked over my shoulder and there was my sweet little Esther sleeping in the car. </div>
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Wendyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13585298758058959095noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2320447340596346281.post-6973968995300206682015-01-27T01:26:00.000-08:002015-01-27T08:38:48.182-08:00I want to fix this PROBLEM<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
I was just thinking tonight how I feel like having lost my husband feels like a problem that I need fixed. <br />
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You know much like a problem where you forgot to pay your electricity or gas bill and you need to do something before those things get turned off. Or where you missed putting gasoline in your car and you are almost out, or you forgot about an important meeting that's starts in 10 minutes but the location is 15 minutes away and you aren't dressed for it. Or, the darn computer keeps giving you a headache because it operates so slow a snail is able to move faster. Or you had a fight with your best friend and need to make amends. Or you hit someone's car and know you need to tell them but you can't quite get the nerve to do it. <br />
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All these problems are fixable and sometimes unavoidable, but they all bring inside a person a similar feeling. I keep feeling lately that there's a solution to this situation I'm in, that somehow I can rewind time and things will be just fine again, or that somehow I'm stuck in a horrific dream and can't quite wake up from it, or sometimes I feel like I missing that one thing I can do to FIX this problem. <br />
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We didn't have any problems, well, at least not when he slipped away. I'm rather fortunate that things are where they are. He was preparing for THIS and didn't realize it and neither did I, until IT happened. <br />
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I know that this isn't a fixable problem, at least not in the immediate future. I'm adjusting to life as a sole parent on Earth and trying to do what a team of two did together, doing it solo now. I'm finding a groove slowly, it's not easy, not fun (well maybe once in a while), but there are things that were so much better when he was here. <br />
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I've lost pretty much any desire to cook (and I loved to do that before - my poor kids), I've lost any desire to really "clean" anything or declutter or anything like that. I've gained more of a desire to need to be with other people, it's weird I'm a people person, so I'm trying to make sure I'm mom when I need to be, but still trying to create who I am now without the man I've been with for the last 16+ years. <br />
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Tears are still coming unannounced. But really the timing is slightly predictable - during the night, on Sundays, when I'm reading things of spiritual natures, or when I just have silence and start to think about what has changed. Trying to keep moving forward, but sometimes I don't know which way is really forward because I feel like I've been spinning out of control for the last 11 weeks almost and even longer if you count the month he was sick before he passed away. I'm trying to find some firm footings somewhere to know where to go and what to do and right now I've got nothing except to find another home. <br />
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It will be bitter sweet, no matter when it is but I know that the only good sleep I've had was when we had our furnace go out and we stayed in Santaquin with my father in law at his home. The kids loved that and so did I. <br />
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There isn't such thing as normal. I used to think that there was, but really I keep thinking that everyone that I see could be gone later that same day or the next or in a week. Life is seriously precious and really is giving me an indication that it's meant to be lived and not feared, but still there is some anxiety when I think that so and so could be next, or heck even myself. (Of course, I hope not for a very long time). <br />
<br />
And that brings me to the phrase "If we endure it well". I've been learning what that really means the last two months and have gathered that it doesn't simply mean to sit around and not do anything but to really ENJOY and be HAPPY while I'm enduring. I equate enduring to living. Granted there is a time for pause while a grieving person is trying to get their feet on solid ground again and head out from the fog that encapsulates it during this time. But when the dust settles and feet are firmly planted once again, it's time to get to work. <br />
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Again if I haven't said it already I don't wish this on my worst enemy. Losing someone really brings to light those things that are of worth and worth our time and those things that don't really matter. I'm not really "living" right now I'm kind of just floating along and in a daze at that. That's why I'm writing my thoughts down so that I'll remember them later, when I really need to fall back on it. </div>
Wendyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13585298758058959095noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2320447340596346281.post-17935699198815521712015-01-14T08:46:00.000-08:002015-01-14T08:46:24.264-08:00And you might have thought we were crazy <div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
So, when Chris and I met we were at school up at Ricks College (then, now it's called BYU Idaho) up in Rexburg, Idaho. He had been home from his mission for just a few months, not sure exactly how many - it might have been closer to a year actually. But, we were in the same student ward - which meant we were in the same church congregation. <br /><br />We were in this same ward since August when the school year and semester had started in 1997. But we didn't really get to know each other until a few months later, like January 1998. We were placed in the same Family Home Evening group and got to see each other every Monday, and quickly we started talking more and more. We would see each other on campus and stop and chat, I may have even missed a class or two just so I could talk with him. When we met it was in the middle of winter in Rexburg and it was so cold. So a lot of the time we would sit in his car and talk for hours just getting to know each other. <br /><br />A lot of the day to day details are now fuzzy, but one night for FHE he picked me up and threw me over his shoulder and then placed me in a snow bank and held me down for a room mate of mine to white wash my face (rubbing snow all over). Crazy times. We went out to Milhollow for frozen yogurt and had a few of my roomies with us, and we talked and visited and held hands under the table like we were trying to hide something like little kids. It makes me laugh now! My roomies that came left before we did, and we took our time and were holding hands on the way back. And we stood out in front of my house that I lived in, under a tree and I thought to myself, that I wasn't kissing another boy unless it was the boy I was going to marry ( I had a kissed a handful or two while at college -- oops) but we were standing there close to curfew time, facing each other, gazing in to each others eyes - and then we kissed. Right after that - the lady that managed the place popped her head out and asked if I needed a late pass. Oh my gosh! I was almost embarrassed. After that we said good night, and then life was never the same. <br /><br />We were pretty much inseparable after that. That first kiss was March 16, 1998 - and within a few more weeks of that, we knew we were supposed to get married. It was quick. From the time we had our first kiss till we were married, it was 100 days. Crazy fast yes. People thought we were nuts. And we may have been. But when it's right, it's right. In April of that year, I graduated with my associates in generals from Ricks College and my parents came up for that. Plus I turned 20 the same day I graduated, so we the four of us went out for lunch or dinner and spent some time together. This was the first time my parents had met him in person, and they were leery of me and what I was thinking. Apparently Chris had asked my dad if he could marry me and apparently my Dad couldn't say Yes, fast enough. The story goes, that my Dad paid Chris to marry me so that he didn't have to take care of me financially anymore. Haha... That didn't really happen, it's just the joke. <br /><br />I went through the temple for my endowment in May about a month after my birthday and about a month before our wedding date. In June we were married in the Mt. Timpanogos temple for Time and all Eternity. And that was the best day of my life! We felt the need not to wait to have children, so almost immediately we were expecting our first child. And she was born 10 months after we were married. We have had several of our kids a bit faster than most people, and though we planned for pretty much all of our children the timing in which they came was a little quicker than what we had planned. Knowing now, what has happened, I'm glad we didn't hesitate! As it is, we only got a little over 16 years together here on Earth. Not nearly enough, and having to adjust my life without him in it every day has been hard, and I'm sure it will continue to be hard. <br /><br />So for those who thought we were crazy getting married so young, and only knowing each other for such a short time, what happened two months ago is exactly why things happened so fast. I'm so grateful for the time we had together, for the love of a man who was righteous and honored his priesthood. For a man who was great with his children, and loved spending every minute he could with them. Who would surprise me with flowers on days when I really needed it. All these things I'm going to miss in the future, but luckily I have all these things as part of my past and my life with him. <br /><br />I never imagined loosing him so soon, and especially not while we still have young children. I am praying that I can rise to this challenge now that is before me and honor him by doing the things that we had talked about, and the things that were important to us in teaching our kids. I feel overwhelmed most days because I have a huge load to carry now. And some days it feels unbearable. But I know I have something to work harder for now, because I want to see my sweetheart again! So you might have thought we were crazy - but you know what, I think we were just following God's plan for us. </div>
Wendyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13585298758058959095noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2320447340596346281.post-23125296046589566212015-01-11T22:19:00.000-08:002015-01-11T22:19:06.849-08:00Tonight I want to SCREAM!!! <div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
I didn't choose losing my husband at such a young age! At least not to my current knowledge but I'm under the impression that I signed up for this. I think I've always sensed this was going to be my lot in life. <br /><br />I think he sensed it too. It was always jokingly, but I think he sensed it. It's one of those things that when you take the time to look back over impressions and conversations that you see a pattern start to emerge. Of course, in the midst of every day life you aren't looking for it, and many times it gets overlooked. Now I don't say this to start making you try to see what might be lying in store in your future, because I'm not. I'm just saying that for me, I think we both knew this was coming. We didn't know it in the sense that we really planned for what to do if it did happen, but I think we both just knew. <br /><br />Often times he would jokingly (at least it came across as jokingly) that he was going to die when he was 45 (or some young age like that, just not 40) I kept telling him to "Shutup, and quit talking like that." I of course, didn't want to face a situation of that magnitude because quite frankly it scared me. Why it scared me, I can't quite explain, but it did. Often times people are scared of the unknown, and the feelings that linger beneath the surface. But as I sit back and think about the last several years I can't help but feel like I had moments where that thought would flash in my mind and I would push it aside. I didn't want to pay attention to it. Do you blame me? I don't. <br /><br />It's been two months since my sweetheart has passed on, and I have cried so much since then than I thought was ever humanly possible. I might actually start crying before this is over too, that's just how it works. In these two months, we've celebrated Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years Eve/Day, our son's 10th birthday, and all of the other day to day stuff that happens. We've painted our living room to give it a face lift. I'm changing out furniture because I feel like it, not to mention it's old and needed to be replaced a long time ago. I've had my furnace stop working over New Years Eve and it was out for a few days, so we stayed at my father in laws house. It was really refreshing to stay somewhere else for a few nights. I've had bills to pay, we've gone out to eat a few different times. I'm now experience my first sickness without him here, and my three year old is sick too. My kids have missed the bus a few times in the last two months, which has required me to drive them, and often sets back the rest of the morning. (I'm not a natural morning person so this has been rough) And what makes it more rough is when you have a difficult time getting to sleep at night. All the memories creep in, all the thoughts of the good times, an the replaying of the weeks and days leading up to his eventual passing away. <br /><br />When he passed away I experienced an intense physical pain. It wasn't just emotional but I had a physical pain too. I was now separated from the love of my life, he was my prince charming, he was my man! And now, he isn't with us physically anymore. We were one, we were connected in our purpose and in our love for each other. And now he was just ripped away from me without any warning. Yes he was sick, but I had hope that he was going to get better. That was not to be. <br /><br />I've learned a lot about myself, and it really isn't awe inspiring or anything but I know that my love for him runs really deep to the core of my being. And his absence is heartbreaking for sure. There have been many times and moments where having him here, would make everything not feel so bad but I don't get that now. We were and are a team. If decisions needed to be made we usually made them together, so now that I've had to make decisions I'm my only sounding board unless I manage to bore someone else with my crazy thoughts. Which sometimes they can be very off the wall crazy. He was my stabilizing factor, the person that when things started to go not the way we had planned he'd talk me through it and help me understand and see how things weren't nearly as bad as I perceived them to be at first. <br /><br />I found that I was relying more on him, then on my Savior Jesus Christ, and my Heavenly Father. So since then I realized that I needed to change that within myself. I need to lean on them for strength, peace and comfort. I've gained a better knowledge of the love that they have for me, and just because they love me and I'm trying to do whats right doesn't mean I'm not going to experience trials and challenges. And if you ask me - this particular challenge beats them all. But at the same time, I look at my situation and feel that I'm in a rough spot right now but realize there are others that have it worse then what I'm going through really is. And I'd rather have this trial then one that another person is struggling with that I think is way more unbearable. But really, I've also discovered that through these low moments and the darkest of days, I have a source of light to turn to and seek comfort from. Yes, it might not be tangible like sometimes I long for, but it puts me in a place that brings me closer to my Savior and that much closer to being with my sweetheart again. <br /><br />I keep having moments where it just all seems too hard, and too much for me to handle and deal with, which results in a break down of tears and lots of praying to God. I also have moments where being the sole parent here on Earth is very overwhelming and my kids aren't very cooperative and I just want to SCREAM because it isn't fair! It's a real feeling, I know, I have it multiple times a week and usually multiple times in a day. It isn't fair, but it's what my life is now. I don't wish this on my worst enemy. <br /><br />I don't know who I am without him right here beside me. And that's what this next year is going to be about. Creating who I am in a world where my sweetheart doesn't live anymore. I miss him like crazy, and I would like nothing more than to see him once again. But I know that isn't going to happen, hopefully for a long, long time. We have six kids that need to be raised and I want to be a grandmother someday. <br /><br />I long for companionship, and maybe someday that will happen. But for now, it's all about me. Which feels weird too, but I'm reinventing myself, I have to. If I'm going to survive this. It's all I can do sometimes to just breath through minute by minute but eventually I know it will get easier, it just isn't that time right now. <br /><br />So if you hear a scream off in the distance please know that I'm doing my best, but right now it's feeling very overwhelming to me and not something I'm really enjoying either. I sometimes just need a release, and sometimes multiple releases. </div>
Wendyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13585298758058959095noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2320447340596346281.post-14137391682495184982015-01-04T21:56:00.001-08:002015-01-04T21:56:59.090-08:00My first Christmas Eve <div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgww457izlA-3X0eTQMi-bvJHhPHk5y-gyz0KSNqEhDhaDqHP1OGOyAmbbYqVgJwjCdXs9R0l6Gq2BEa-qSSVCgZjEFCnRnvSWhhXcmFO70AxlrOEKYzwsJr0LFTIZpFlkZihYy6q3yRzo/s1600/DSCN0014.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgww457izlA-3X0eTQMi-bvJHhPHk5y-gyz0KSNqEhDhaDqHP1OGOyAmbbYqVgJwjCdXs9R0l6Gq2BEa-qSSVCgZjEFCnRnvSWhhXcmFO70AxlrOEKYzwsJr0LFTIZpFlkZihYy6q3yRzo/s1600/DSCN0014.JPG" height="240" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: #cc0000;">Having fun by the tree. </span></td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: red;">Caleb, my nephew. </span></td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: red;">Heidi and Courtney</span></td></tr>
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This is the first Christmas Eve that I am without my sweetheart. We were invited to my sister in law Amy's house to have dinner with her family and visit and be together. It was great that I didn't have to make dinner! Really, who's going to turn down dinner when you don't have to make it? (Usually not me!) <br />
<br />
I've had my older girls helping with wrapping presents this year, and I still have a few to do on my own that I don't want them to know about. So I'll be up for a while. I'm hoping to get the kids to bed REALLY soon or at least in the back room since they all love to sleep in the same room on Christmas Eve. Then I can wrap out here in the living room and watch a Christmas movie on Netflix while I'm slaving away all by my lonesome. <br />
<br />
I'm aware of the fact that I'm getting used to him not being here. Not that I'm forgetting, but when someone isn't coming around anymore I think the mind starts to adjust and it gets easier to live without them. Not better, just easier. I still miss him like crazy and want for him to be with me so badly. But I think I'm accepting the fact that he's gone and he isn't coming in the door any time soon. <br />
<br />
I was really angry this last weekend and mad. I started lashing out at my kids, but knew that's not how I wanted to be. I had a hard Saturday night with crying up to an hour and half before it was out of my system, but I picked up the next morning right where I left off. I was crying all through church, and just felt alone. I asked one of my dear friends and former home teacher for a priesthood blessing and the two of us along with his wife, and a neighbor of mine, Kawika Allen walked into an old Bishops office that isn't being used anymore and I had that blessing. And it felt so good afterwards to just tell someone other than my walls about how I'm feeling almost on a daily basis. It was some great therapy for me and I felt so much better after having done that. (Did I mention I have a great friends and a great ward/neighborhood here) <br />
<br />
So back to tonight, I am determined to make Christmas joyous and happy for my kids and for myself. I've always loved Christmas and I don't have any intentions of changing that. <br />
<br />
After having fun, talking, playing and visiting with family we came home via Kaylee driving! (She's getting so much better I might add) and we watched The Nativity video on lds.org and then we opened the Christmas Eve gift. Of course, there gift is always PJ's so some of the kids were super excited. <br />
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Wendyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13585298758058959095noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2320447340596346281.post-75759120355579752862015-01-04T21:55:00.000-08:002015-01-04T21:55:42.292-08:00My First Christmas without my sweetheart <div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
So we're now just past 7 weeks into this journey without the man in our lives. <br /><br />The kids have been on Christmas break, it's been great not to get up at the crack of dawn every morning. <br /><br />We set up the Christmas tree a few days after Thanksgiving, I set up the lights on the house a few days before Thanksgiving. <br /><br />I spent time Christmas shopping ALONE. Which wasn't too exciting really. I remember being in the store and finding something neat or awesome for one of the kids an thought to myself, I can't wait to show this to Chris. Then it hit me how he wasn't going to be there when I got back home. <br /><br />I bought a few things for myself, (but only because so many people helped us out by giving us money). I had a daughter buy a heart shaped locket and had a photo from my wedding day printed and she cut her dad's face out and put it in the locket. So, so sweet! Of course, it made me cry. She also made a little accordian style album and attached photos into it that had her Dad in them. I will cherish that always. <br /><br />Another daughter at the end of the gifts had made a card that was from "him". As she was giving it to me she said, I know this is what dad would do if could. The card said, "To Wendy" "From Chris" and she imitated his writing pretty well. And just seeing the writing made me tear up. And then on the inside it said, I will love you always and forever (or something like that) - as I don't have it in front of me right now. And then she gave me a box with earrings and a necklace. The earrings are the infinity symbol, and the necklace has a heart with the infinity symbol in it. So thoughtful and sweet. <br /><br />Christmas was good. But Christmas was different. I spent my first Christmas away from my childhood family with him and his family so this was the first Christmas since then that we haven't been together. I'm pretty sure he was with us. I missed the actual element of surprise that he always came up with for Christmas. On Christmas Eve - It took a lot longer to take care of things then normal. Why? Because I didn't have him there helping as in years past. <br /><br />There was a missing element to our holiday season this year and that void isn't really wanted. <br /><br />It seems that normal stresses of life seem to hit me harder now that I don't have him as a stabling element in my life. To calm me when I start to "worry" too much or a situation comes up that makes it hard to decide something easily. (That's an entirely different post). <br /><br />But overall Christmas was okay, New Years was okay. It's a new year and that means new projects, new goals, new growth, new friends and more Cafe Rio for sure! <br /><br /></div>
Wendyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13585298758058959095noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2320447340596346281.post-11517409949781116252014-12-17T22:27:00.003-08:002014-12-17T23:41:40.523-08:00Eternal Love <div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
It's been nearly five weeks since our lives were changed forever. <br />
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I have been noticing that a lot of my husbands things are actually falling apart. His flash drives where all our financial stuff is at - luckily I just bought new ones to transfer everything to. His shirts were needing to be replaced. He had a pair of shoes that were causing his knees and back to hurt so we bought new shoes about the time he got sick. My Dad is now the owner of those practically brand new shoes. I couldn't just let them sit here and not benefit anyone right now. <br />
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His toothbrushes needed to be replaced - so I tossed those within the first few days. <br />
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I took over using his big green bath sheet. <br />
I took over his side of the bed because there is a lamp on that side. <br />
I took over driving his car, after all it does have great gas mileage. <br />
I took over his chair at the table. <br />
I took over ... who knows what else. <br />
I took over hanging the outside Christmas lights. <br />
I took over using his Sam's Club card, since my was misplaced the first week after he passed away.<br />
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At some point in the future I'll take over his side of the closet too. <br />
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I need to take over doing the finances. (I'd rather not, but I need to)<br />
I need to take over giving the kids extra snuggles. <br />
I need to take over getting guidance from Heavenly Father regarding our family now.<br />
I need to take over planning for my future, instead of the one that we had planned together.<br />
I need to take over ... so many more things too. <br />
I need to take over training our teenage daughter how to drive.<br />
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I have taken up picking up the living room each night before bed. (not perfect, but it's getting there)<br />
I have taken up kissing picture frames, or my kindle screen. (not the same, but in my mind it helps) <br />
I have taken up praying vocally every night in my room. (no one else in there, so I'm not bothering anyone)<br />
I have taken up crying in the car almost every time I'm alone. <br />
I have taken up feeling like I'm a burden to others if I need something done. (luckily I don't need much) <br />
I have taken up feeling very lonely. (haven't found anything to alleviate that feeling yet and I probably won't for some time.) <br />
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I stopped buying his favorite treats, especially if they weren't mine also. I'm just so glad that the last thing we shared was a bag of dark chocolate m&m's. They will always hold a special place in my heart. <br />
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Being kissed by the love of my life has stopped<br />
Being told I'm beautiful has stopped. <br />
Being told multiple times a day that he loves me has stopped. <br />
Being close to him and looking into his eyes has stopped. <br />
Being the receiver of his great gifts has stopped. <br />
Being his lover has stopped. <br />
Being two people in a marriage has stopped only because one of us has moved onto the next step in eternal progression. <br />
Asking him about our plans for the day/week/weekend has stopped. <br />
Asking him about what he thinks has stopped. <br />
Asking him about our finances has stopped. <br />
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All those things that I wish I could have had a little more clarification on has stopped. <br />
Being able to have him recall details that I forgot has stopped.<br />
Having him at the computer or in the car listening to Dave Ramsey has stopped. <br />
Having him whistle his awesome whistle has stopped. <br />
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But our love - our LOVE hasn't stopped. <br />
Our marriage - is still in place however he isn't physically here anymore. <br />
My Testimony - it is still ALIVE and STRONG. <br />
My Love for God - hasn't stopped, in fact I think it's gotten stronger too. <br />
My learning of the gospel - is still taking place. <br />
My Love for the TEMPLE - has increased. <br />
My Faith - has increased.<br />
The Gospel of Jesus Christ is still TRUE! <br />
I'm still seeking after good things. <br />
Being a Mother hasn't stopped. <br />
I can still listen to his voice tell me important things I need to know from an audio CD I have. <br />I can still read his words via a letter that her wrote to me that says he LOVES ME and wants me to be HAPPY and have a SMILE on my face. <br />
I am his WORLD! And he was MINE! <br />Our Love - is ETERNAL. <br />
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See what I mean it's not really an end, but a temporary pause. It feels like an end because we are mortal beings and its just the way we are programmed, but really it's just a little hiccup in life's journey. I know that if Jesus Christ came to Earth and suffered ALL things for ALL mankind. Why do I think that just because I'm doing good and trying to be good I shouldn't have hard times also. Now, I haven't had a trial free life by any means, but I think the biggest and most challenging trial I've faced to date is that of losing my spouse. I have to now take on the task that two people had set out to do together. It's a bit of a daunting task, but I know that Heavenly Father is on my side and will help me through. It's not going to be a walk in the park, but I know that our needs will be met, and that we'll be truly happy - one day. I know that I do feel jipped that I didn't get 50 years with him here on earth, or that we didn't even make our 20th anniversary. But, what's a few years whether it's 2, 10 or 50 years being away from him compared to <span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">ETERNITY.</span> <br />
<br />
That boy and I are sealed together! And that means just since he has passed on, that our marriage will continue in the next life. I just need to keep myself worthy to make it where he already is. I love looking at his photos, and remembering the stories behind them. He was great at making me laugh, and great at telling me what I needed to hear even though I didn't want to hear it. He was great at loving me unconditionally. He wanted me to be happy and he surely made me happy. <br />
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Wendyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13585298758058959095noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2320447340596346281.post-90384235712877167772014-12-14T23:54:00.001-08:002014-12-15T00:20:28.916-08:00A fairytale, or not a fairytale -- that is the question. <div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
I just keep thinking how my life with Chris was almost like a fairytale. And the fairytale has been interrupted for who knows how long. <br />
<br />
If it weren't for the photos and my own memories, it would feel like the last 16 years of my life were just a dream, and now real life begins. I often remember when something would come into the lives of people that I cared about, it made my heart ache for them in that situation. And when people would willingly choose to do something that wasn't quite smart, it hurt too. I would often ask Chris, why I cared about people so much? Because if I didn't care about them, it wouldn't hurt! I don't remember exactly how he would respond but basically his message was that that's who I am, I am a person that cares deeply for others, and hurt when they hurt and mourn when they mourn. And that this is how God wants us to be. He wants us to care for others, and love them, and serve them, and when they are hurting for whatever reason we should be there with them, to help them carry that burden. <br />
<br />
I'm naturally someone who likes to get out and help others as much as possible, and right now, I'm finding it hard to want to do that, because I don't have the energy, I'm too tired, or I'm just trying to discover who I am now. It's been over a month since my sweetheart was called back home, and it feels like forever! (I know, I'll probably keep saying that over and over, but that's how it feels.) <br />
<br />
Trying to rebuild my life without him being right beside me is going to be challenging and hard. This isn't something I asked for, nor did I want it. At least not to my knowledge. It feels like a huge prank gone bad, and really don't like it. <br />
<br />
I realize that there are things I will probably want to go and do, but I have no one to go and do them with, and I don't want to be a third wheel either. So trying to deal with those emotions has been challenging too. I don't know what to do half the time, and I'm just trying to get through one day at a time and sometimes like today it's getting through one minute, or hour at a time. <br />
<br />
People keep asking me what I need, and really what am I supposed to say to that? Oh, my kitchen is falling apart STILL, and I can't seem to make meals EVER, my livingroom is picked up one minute and 10 minutes later it's a MESS. My toilet is having issues, my bathroom wall is falling apart, I'm falling apart, I'm exhausted, but I have so many things to do but they still aren't getting done. How about, I almost had a dream home - Can you go ahead and make that magically happen? I miss having a my man's arms holding me tight, what can you do about that, where I'm not going to feel awkward? I'm lonely, and want to be around people and I have absolutely nothing to do, but everyone else is busy. My husband is gone, can you bring him back? Yes, see it's almost impossible to answer that question, because I will probably try and push it aside as if everything is okay when in fact and in reality everything is not okay. <br />
<br />
I constantly look at him in our family photo from a few years ago and just stare at him. And I feel that in this case staring isn't bad. I keep trying to remember what exactly it felt like to have him hold me tight, and it's starting to fade from my mind. And that makes me sad. I don't know how to feel about looking at all of his things everywhere. I like them there, but I don't. (See what I mean, you can't really define anything) <br />
<br />
My sons are great for giving me hugs, and my nearly 10 year old son is getting so big that his strong arms are starting to feel like a great substitute for his father. I made him promise me that he would give me a hug WHENEVER I needed one and he said, Of course Mom! And I told him that I'd give him one whenever he needed one. <br />
<br />
It's almost crazy how life can be redefined in a matter of minutes when the makeup of a family changes. Whether it's through divorce or death. I'm not comparing the two just the fact that life gets shaken up. I'm trying to find what my purpose is now, when for so many years I was focusing on making our marriage stronger (with the exception of when I got a little sidetracked). Now that I don't have our marriage to work on really -- what do I do now? <br />
<br />
I hate feeling alone, and I don't want to feel like I have to contact others, it would be so much easier if others could just drop in realizing that my place may look like a trash hole, which is embarrassing but sometimes instead of doing some kind of chore maybe I just need someone to come by that I feel really is concerned. Sometimes it's just a shoulder to cry on that I need. Someone there to help me feel like I'm not alone, even though I know that I'm not, but really it feels like it when all the tears come when I'm by myself. <br />
<br />
I feel like no one is really going to understand because if you haven't been through this (the loss of a spouse) you aren't really going to know a portion of what it feels like. My heart still aches every day for the loss I have gone through and am still dealing with and trying to process. I have an underlying feeling of sadness and loneliness ALL THE TIME. It's apparently part of the process of grieving, and I still stand by the fact that my spirit is roaring like a lion but my heart and body aren't quite there yet. <br />
<br />
I find writing all my thoughts down right now, are the only way I can "Talk" about what I'm feeling because my other half isn't here with me to really tell it to. I wish he was, oh how I wish he was! </div>
Wendyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13585298758058959095noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2320447340596346281.post-29136147885353296672014-12-13T23:03:00.000-08:002014-12-13T23:12:17.297-08:00"Dear God, was that really necessary?" <div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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So, I had a friend that passed away a year ago today. He was in our ward along with his wife for a short time, and he was assigned to be our home teacher. He was great with the kids, and they all loved him, we all did. He was faithful in coming, and his smile was so contagious. He had a big heart and was kind to everyone that I saw him interact with. However, they had moved out before he had passed away, and they were expecting their first child. It was a very touching story, and my heart ached, and I cried, and cried because I felt so sad for her, and what her life was now going to be like. Little did I realize then what my own life would be like less than one year later. <br />
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Well, I too am now taking the journey his sweet wife has been on for a year now. I often looked to her for a source of strength while she was going through this, and though how amazing she was. Well, I just sent her a message and realized it expressed a lot of my personal feelings that I wanted to preserve on my blog as well. <br />
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<div class="_5wd9" data-reactid=".44.$<1418539217313=22444701189-1682491762@mail=1projektitan=1com>.2:0" style="text-align: justify;">
<div class="_5wde" data-reactid=".44.$<1418539217313=22444701189-1682491762@mail=1projektitan=1com>.2:0.0">
<div class="_5wdf _5w1r" data-reactid=".44.$<1418539217313=22444701189-1682491762@mail=1projektitan=1com>.2:0.0.0" style="max-width: 173px; width: 173px;">
<div data-reactid=".44.$<1418539217313=22444701189-1682491762@mail=1projektitan=1com>.2:0.0.0.0">
<span class="_5yl5" data-reactid=".44.$<1418539217313=22444701189-1682491762@mail=1projektitan=1com>.2:0.0.0.0.0"><span data-reactid=".44.$<1418539217313=22444701189-1682491762@mail=1projektitan=1com>.2:0.0.0.0.0.0"><span data-reactid=".44.$<1418539217313=22444701189-1682491762@mail=1projektitan=1com>.2:0.0.0.0.0.0.$end:0:$0:0">"Oh
Erica, my heart is hurting for you all over again! It's been 1 month
today that my husband passed away and it feels like a lifetime or two.
I can hardly see myself in a year ... I have similar feelings of guilt
at least right at first because I kept thinking I should have taken my
husband to the hospital sooner and I should have done this differently.
And then I thought his family wouldn't like me anymore and would blame
me for this ... and all of that I know isn't true, but as a human those
were thoughts that I had coming from my brain. </span><br data-reactid=".44.$<1418539217313=22444701189-1682491762@mail=1projektitan=1com>.2:0.0.0.0.0.0.$end:0:$1:0" /><br data-reactid=".44.$<1418539217313=22444701189-1682491762@mail=1projektitan=1com>.2:0.0.0.0.0.0.$end:0:$3:0" /><span data-reactid=".44.$<1418539217313=22444701189-1682491762@mail=1projektitan=1com>.2:0.0.0.0.0.0.$end:0:$4:0">Most
days I feel like blah, and other days I feel like more blah... but I
look back on just the few weeks that have passed and realize that I'm
not the same I was a month ago. I miss my husband as much as I'm sure
you miss yours, and I hate that anyone has to suffer this way too. I
find myself crying in the car most of the time or late at night. And
the only words I ever seem to get muttered are "I miss you like crazy ,
(or so much) and I love you, I need you." IN some order those get
muttered and that's about it. This ache is deep and hurts like nothing
I've ever felt before. </span><br data-reactid=".44.$<1418539217313=22444701189-1682491762@mail=1projektitan=1com>.2:0.0.0.0.0.0.$end:0:$5:0" /><br data-reactid=".44.$<1418539217313=22444701189-1682491762@mail=1projektitan=1com>.2:0.0.0.0.0.0.$end:0:$7:0" /><span data-reactid=".44.$<1418539217313=22444701189-1682491762@mail=1projektitan=1com>.2:0.0.0.0.0.0.$end:0:$8:0">I
know that I had a little bit more time with Chris than you were able to
have with Josh, but when it's love, it's love and feels like they were
taken way too soon. </span><br data-reactid=".44.$<1418539217313=22444701189-1682491762@mail=1projektitan=1com>.2:0.0.0.0.0.0.$end:0:$9:0" /><br data-reactid=".44.$<1418539217313=22444701189-1682491762@mail=1projektitan=1com>.2:0.0.0.0.0.0.$end:0:$11:0" /><span data-reactid=".44.$<1418539217313=22444701189-1682491762@mail=1projektitan=1com>.2:0.0.0.0.0.0.$end:0:$12:0">I'm
having a rough time trying to figure out who I'm supposed to be now.
For so long it was the "two of us" and what our dreams were, and our
plans, and now all of those have come crashing to the ground. So now I
have to set out to try and find out who I am without the love of my life
right beside me, but really I am clueless on where to even begin to
look. </span><br data-reactid=".44.$<1418539217313=22444701189-1682491762@mail=1projektitan=1com>.2:0.0.0.0.0.0.$end:0:$13:0" /><br data-reactid=".44.$<1418539217313=22444701189-1682491762@mail=1projektitan=1com>.2:0.0.0.0.0.0.$end:0:$15:0" /><span data-reactid=".44.$<1418539217313=22444701189-1682491762@mail=1projektitan=1com>.2:0.0.0.0.0.0.$end:0:$16:0">I
was washing dishes the other night and was set off in a bout of crying
because I realized that he wasn't coming through the kitchen door
anytime soon to come up behind me and put his arms around my waist and
kiss my neck and talk with me. It's crazy how simple little things or
tasks or words will bring a flood of emotion to the surface. </span><br data-reactid=".44.$<1418539217313=22444701189-1682491762@mail=1projektitan=1com>.2:0.0.0.0.0.0.$end:0:$17:0" /><br data-reactid=".44.$<1418539217313=22444701189-1682491762@mail=1projektitan=1com>.2:0.0.0.0.0.0.$end:0:$19:0" /><span data-reactid=".44.$<1418539217313=22444701189-1682491762@mail=1projektitan=1com>.2:0.0.0.0.0.0.$end:0:$20:0">Sorry
this got a little wordy, I should just transfer this to my blog now
that I'm thinking about it. But I just want you to know that I was
thinking about you today, and my act of service was going to visit with
Chris' father who lost his wife just three months before Chris passed
away. And that brightened his day to have us go down to Santaquin to
visit. - Just thought I'd let you know. I know we didn't know each
other well before you moved out, but I love you as much as I loved
having Josh as our home teacher! If I can help you out with anything
or you need someone to talk with that might be able to relate a little
better please just call, or stop by .</span><br data-reactid=".44.$<1418539217313=22444701189-1682491762@mail=1projektitan=1com>.2:0.0.0.0.0.0.$end:0:$21:0" /><br data-reactid=".44.$<1418539217313=22444701189-1682491762@mail=1projektitan=1com>.2:0.0.0.0.0.0.$end:0:$23:0" /><span data-reactid=".44.$<1418539217313=22444701189-1682491762@mail=1projektitan=1com>.2:0.0.0.0.0.0.$end:0:$24:0">Hugs to you on a very difficult day. "</span></span></span></div>
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I did have a few great days in a row, and then yesterday (Friday December 12) I had a rough day again. The tears just don't seem to end, like ever! But I'm guessing this will be the ride I'm in for, for the next little while. I've been relieved regarding our financial situation now that our provider isn't physically able to, but really he still is, because he was such a hard worker and paid into a system that will now pay us back. I hate that it comes to this, but I'm so grateful to know that this resource is available. <br />
<br />
I was talking with my sister in law Shantil today, and I was saying how before his passing, my life was always full of ways to strengthen our marriage. And all the dreams and plans we had centered around "US". Now that half of "US" is gone, there isn't a marriage to be strengthened right now, and there isn't an "US" in that sense anymore. So I'm having a hard time trying to know what direction I go in, what it is that needs to happen. I surely hope that I'm going to get the personal revelations regarding my family now, since my resident priesthood holder isn't on the premises in an earthly sense anymore. <br />
<br />
This isn't a job meant for one person, and I often want to repeat the lines from "Fiddler on the Roof" when Tevye says this, " Dear God, Was that really necessary?" <br />
<br />
So right now, I've got nothing, except trying to make it through each day. I know the tears are good, and I need to work through this grief, but man oh man ... I keep wondering who got the short end of the stick? I feel like he might have it a bit better right now, and I feel it's totally not fair to have to raise our children alone. I feel I'm not going to do as good of a job teaching them everything they need to learn and know and that scares me a bit. (Okay who am I kidding, it scares me A LOT!) <br />
<br />
<br /></div>
Wendyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13585298758058959095noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2320447340596346281.post-72872658250092186782014-12-07T09:02:00.001-08:002014-12-07T09:02:04.035-08:00Longest three weeks of my life so far ... <div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
You know, I've learned a lot in just the last three + longest weeks of my life. <br /><br />Mostly about the atonement. As a younger person I didn't really understand what the atonement was really all about. I had the idea that it was just for those that had done something wrong and that was it. But now, NOW I realize it is so much more than that. And it's the perfect thing in place for me to lighten the burden that I'm now left with. And the other day before I went to the temple that realization of what it really was hit me, and so before the temple visit I handed that over to the Lord. I feel at peace and I feel calm, even though things are really chaotic and crazy. There are several unknowns in my future, but I feel that with Faith I can move forward and know that things will be okay. This of course, doesn't take away the pain and hurt I feel in losing Chris, but at least it gives me something to look forward to. <br /><br /> I'm realizing now, that I was probably at the peak of my personal and spiritual growth with him here, and that for me to complete my learning and growing he had to go ahead of me. I realize how easy he made life for the kids and I. He was pretty much perfect with a few bouts of obnoxiousness in there. <br /><br />Ben (Chris's brother) and Shantil and there family came by last night and were visiting for a while, and before Ben left I asked him for another priesthood blessing, because I have been having a few rough days where the emotions have been so close to the surface. And the intense loneliness that I was feeling was so much to feel at once. So in the blessing, I was assured of the Love my Heavenly Father has for me, and that he is still watchful over our family. And towards the end of the blessing, it was said, "Your husband is still watching over you, and he is thinking of YOU all the time." <br /><br />That was something I had been worried with, if he was even thinking of me, and if he had just forgotten me and the kids. And that just helped alleviate that concern. He is so dearly missed, and I feel the ache pretty much every day. And sometimes still can't believe that this is my life now. It feels weird to try and move forward, and the idea of being truly happy and feeling joy in the future is hard to grasp. Chris was the best part of my life, and my greatest blessing and now that he's not physically with me anymore I feel a huge whole in my heart and a deep ache in my body. <br /><br />Really quick though ... the other night I was having a rough moment and I was bawling and wailing and the kids were all in bed, and I just wasn't feeling so great about this situation at all, and after what seemed like a long time, I had this simple little thought to go and listen to his talk that he gave at his mom's funeral three months ago. So I went to the computer and put in the audio CD and found the track that was his. I can't tell you how soothing hearing his voice was to my soul. I also had his stick of deodorant and kept taking whiffs and I was looking at a photo of him all at the same time and it brought me a lot of peace right then. I know sounds silly. But the part that really struck me in listening to the talk, the words he spoke were in regards to his mother, but it was like he was talking to me specifically and telling me answers to questions that I had been asking for the last several days and weeks since his passing. So he was talking to me, in his voice and answering questions that I was having and it was amazing how calm I felt by the end of his talk. He was and is a very wise man, and he was so great at comforting me when I really needed it. And right now, I just wish he was here to bring me that comfort that I so deeply need. <br /><br />Anyway, sorry for the rant, I'm just in what I'm calling widow fog and whatever seems to come to mind seems to find it's way out of my mouth or typed onto the screen. <br /><br />We have church in a few hours (1pm) so I should probably make sure my kids start the long line of showers and baths to get everyone ready in time. <br /><br />And on a happier note, we'll be heading up to Temple Square tomorrow night (Monday) with Ben and Shantil and their kids to check out the lights. I'm kind of excited for it. I'm so glad that they had mentioned they were going to do it and offered the invitation for us to join them. Because taking the kids anywhere and by myself isn't really desired or fun. So I'm glad we have someone else to go with. <br />
<br />
Not sure how today will turn out, since it's the first Fast Sunday since his passing. I know the spirit will be strong and my heartache will be there too. I might need to pack along extra tissues today. <br /></div>
Wendyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13585298758058959095noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2320447340596346281.post-74071810602329195432014-12-06T22:37:00.000-08:002014-12-06T22:37:14.930-08:00The beginnings of a very long journey <div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
So I feel like my memory isn't going to be very solid for a very long time. As it is, my memory of the first few days and weeks since my sweethearts passing are a bit of a blur. And really it's a good thing. <br /><br />I remember pleading with the Lord that very night and the next day in between people coming over that he would erase the image that I last had of my sweet husband. I cried, and cried because it wasn't a very pretty last image. I just had a death experience three months earlier and it was so peaceful and spiritual and expected and we all came together and shared memories and the spirit in the home was so abundant. <br /><br />Now, with this experience from just a little over three weeks ago, which was completely different I find myself really struggling especially the last few days. I remember lots and I mean LOTS of people stopping in to give me hugs, drop off things, clean up the kitchen - which had been a mess for almost a month since he first got sick and all my attention was spent trying to help him. I had money given to us, and lots and lots of people giving me assurance that things would be okay. We had people coming in to drop off food items, going shopping for paper goods, (toilet paper, paper towels, plates, bowls, plastic ware etc..) <br /><br />I feel overwhelmed to say the least. I'm not used to being on this side of the service. My husband and I have been on the other side of giving to those in need, and it made us feel so good to help out where and how we could. So I don't know if it's a bit of a pride thing that's hanging me up, but I find it really hard to be the recipient of such generosity and love. <br /><br />On the Saturday after Chris's passing, I was looking for a cassette tape that I know he recorded with the kids. And I couldn't remember where it had disappeared to. I had a thought as I was looking at his dresser/nightstand and saw his huge pile of neatly folded clothes and under all of that was a shoe box, and I thought "What if???" So I removed all the clothes to the bed keeping the pile neat and folded, and sure enough after messing with stuff in the box, I found it. I put it in the cassette recorder that we had and the only source to play a cassette and nothing on the side that was available to play at first. So I flipped it over and rewound the tape a little and hit play. <br /><br />The first thing I hear is his voice and he's singing Chris LeDoux's "Look at You Girl". He always sang that to me and EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. I would end up in tears. He sang fantastically, and whistled well too. He was always singing these love songs to me and it melted my heart. So when I heard him singing one of my favorites that he did, I instantly felt like I was getting a really tight hug. And that's all I needed to know that I can do this. No, it won't be easy. No, it won't be fun. Yes, I will miss him like crazy. But it was his way of letting me know that he knew I can do this. <br />
<br />
Granted after the passing of a loved one, the first of everything tends to be really difficult. But, I'm trying to face them head on. I know I'm going in the right direction because I'm feeling peace and know in my heart that somewhere in the future I'll look back at this time and realize that it really was a major boost in my spiritual and personal growth. But right now, I'm just in survival mode. I can see how some might want to take their own life after such an extreme loss, and a traumatic experience. No, I don't feel like that at all, because I have a responsibility to my children to continue to raise them. And I know that my Heavenly Father loves me and is very mindful of my family. I know the gospel of Jesus Christ is true!! Families can be together forever and that means beyond the end of our mortal lives. I know that I will see him again! I can only imagine how sweet that reunion will be, and I look forward to it, but hopefully not for a very long, long time from now. I want to enjoy my children growing up and experiencing all their firsts. And eventually grandchildren when that time comes. Chris and I are a perfect match for each other. We made complete sense together. Yes, life without him is going to be challenging, but that's what is going to make me into the person Heavenly Father wants and needs me to become. And I don't think I would be able to become that person with my best friend, confidant, lover, and perfect husband remaining at my side. <br /><br />This isn't something I ever imagined to be in my life plan, and it's more testimony to me that I'm not in charge of my life really. I can make plans, but have to be adaptable if reality changes. Well, my reality has changed in a major way and now it's going to take some time to figure out what to do, and what my goals are now. Since things that we had talked about and were planning are no longer going to happen. <br /><br />Everyone probably realized that we were set to close on a new house, and I've still felt pangs of sadness when I think how small this house feels and know that I was so close to being able to move into my dream house. But I know that right where we are is the right place for us to be right now. And I'm so thankful that Heavenly Father was actually showing me tender mercies all along to prepare me for this, but I didn't realize it as it was happening that it would be for an event as this.<br />
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I don't wish this on anyone, at an age like mine. It's going to be rough, I'm going to be lonely, I'm going to be dead tired, and need breaks. And my kids are going to want me to do "ONE" more thing, and everything that Chris and I did together I know I have to do on my own now. And I'm overwhelmed to say the least.<br />
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My word of advice for those of you with your spouse still with you, if you aren't out of debt right now .... make a vigilant effort to get out of debt now!!! Luckily we were out of debt earlier this year thanks to our effort of working together on our money matters, and we were ready to start helping others out exactly how we're getting helped out now. No reason to delay it, you never know when one of you won't be there and trying to be responsible for debt after the passing of someone could be really hard to deal with. So other than our home we don't have any debt. I've been trained really well and will continue to use the system that Chris put into place. He made it so simple and easy. I thought going onto a budgeted amount of money for buying groceries was difficult and it sucked, but you know what -- I see now how that has helped me. And I'm so glad my husband was perfect at preparing for the future. <br />
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Wendyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13585298758058959095noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2320447340596346281.post-39075481026920346892014-11-30T09:39:00.002-08:002014-11-30T09:39:36.258-08:00Knocking on the window <div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
So as I was asleep in my bed earlier, I was awakened by a knocking at the window. It wasn't very loud but it was the same rhythm that we started years ago when we were first married. And it kept repeating. <br /><br />We lived in an apartment that was completely indoors without any exterior openings. Probably not the most ideal apartment but it was what we could afford and it worked for the time being. He had school and he worked at Subway. I was very much pregnant at this time and just sat around our apartment because most of the time I was so sick. So as he left our apartment every time, he would knock on the wall as he walked back down the hall opposite where our apartment door was. He knocked three times, which meant "I love you". And sometimes he would knock on it as he was coming down the hall to come home. It made my heart jump when I heard it and I was always anxious for his return. <br /><br />So while laying in the bed asleep I kept hearing this knocking sound on our window. I didn't actually look out to see what might have been causing it, but in my mind I was brought back to that time, and as soon as I made a connection that it was him telling me He loved me, the knocking sound stopped. <br /><br />He's still around and he's still here, but I'd much rather have him here and tangible. Boy am I ever anxious for our reunion, but hopefully I get to experience more life with my kids before it's my turn. It's not going to be easy, but hopefully with time I can enjoy life once again. </div>
Wendyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13585298758058959095noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2320447340596346281.post-35016599966573209762014-11-30T09:24:00.000-08:002014-11-30T09:24:40.203-08:00Suffering a Great Loss <div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
As many already know, my husband, my children's father, Chris Randolph passed away unexpectedly Thursday night November 13, 2014. <br />
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A night that forever changed our lives. My heart was broken from this sudden loss, and I'm deeply saddened because my best friend, my lover, my husband and the father of my children is no longer with us here physically. <br />
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The pain of the night that it happened is a pain I never want to experience again. It's so real, it's so painful, and is worse than anything you can imagine. <br />
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I've noticed though, that in telling my story about that night it's getting easier to cope with it. So I want to share it here for anyone that is interested in knowing what happened. I can't explain why it happened and I'm not going to attempt to either. <br />
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My husband came home from work on October 17th and said he felt like he was coming down with something. Sure enough by the next morning he wasn't feeling well at all. He had a fever going on, but was still his playful self. A week went by with what we thought were symptoms of the flu (in hindsight). After one week of feeling that bad we went to a family practice clinic to have him checked out. They did x-rays and blood tests and after 1.5 hours in the office came into the room and said, "Yes, you are definitely SICK!" They had taken a few chest x-rays and had the radiologist look at them and said, it looks a little hazy but it doesn't look like pneumonia. He was already having difficulty breathing by this point. We had been doing breathing treatments at home, and nothing seemed to be making it better. He was still forcing himself to go to work though. However, he missed the primary program at church that next day and he felt so bad that he had to miss it. He just seemed to get worse through the next week. He was showing up at work later and staying later and his coworkers were telling him he should be at home resting, and I think maybe even said he should be in a hospital for how bad he was. He was so winded with everything he tried to do. Just taking a shower was so hard. <br />
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He missed going with our family to an indoor trampoline park a few days before Halloween, and even though it was lots of fun I wished he was there with us too! We were in the process of buying a new house as well. Things were seriously crazy! I was gathering up those papers as I needed them, and had him sign as he needed to. We were excited for that next adventure in our lives. The setting was ideal and we were dreaming of all the stuff we could do with it. On November 1st - later in the day around 9pm or so he was groaning on the bed and it was really as close to crying out in pain as he could get without actually crying. Must be a man thing ...?? Not sure. So, I instantly knew we should take him in, but he swore it was a pulled muscle from all the coughing he had been doing. He said we could go in but lets wait till morning because he was tired and wanted to get some sleep - he was convinced it was a pulled muscle. I got a little bit annoyed with him and left the room saying that if he didn't want to take my advice that was fine, but I was going to go back to the projects I was working on in the other room. (Seriously there isn't much I could do to help this situation when he doesn't want the help.) <br />
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About two hours later he got up to use the bathroom and called for me and said that I was right. We should get him in now. His breathing was labored, it was painful and he felt the need that we should take him in to the ER. So I told my older girls what was happening. <br />
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We drove to Timpanogos Hospital in Orem, Utah - which is where our insurance is good at. I pulled up to the ER entrance and ran inside and asked if there was a wheelchair, luckily there was one sitting right there in the hall so I grabbed it and ran back to the van where Chris was still sitting. We got him in the wheelchair and got him inside the whole while he's holding his right ribcage. We scanned in his drivers license and the lady behind the desk was printing stuff off and we finally got buzzed through the doors after a few seconds. We were guided to a room beyond the triage area. They hooked him up to oxygen right away. And started poking and prodding him with all sorts of needles and such. They took him for an x-ray and sure enough he had pneumonia in both lungs and it was pretty severe. The ER doctor told us that he was having us admitted and there started the 9 day stay at Timpanogos Regional Hospital. He was on oxygen the whole time, he was doing breathing treatments around the clock, he was on morphine the first few days and he was not able to talk very well because his throat was pretty raw from all the coughing the last two weeks. His appetite was not good. This was a Saturday night. Sunday - my hometeacher and his wife brought our family dinner after church that day. After I had a chance to eat I went up and visited with Chris. A few other members from our ward went to visit him as well. The visits were great but it was draining him of energy. His Dad came later that same Sunday and they sat and watched a football game together. He was there way after I had to leave and get home to my kids. I hated to say goodnight to him. I came back the next morning after the kids were at school and had my three year old with me. We were there for about 5 hours and in that time I had to help him with his shower. And I mean everything that needs to be done, I did for him. I kept thinking to myself, if this isn't love, I don't know what is. <br />
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We spent time together over the next several days, most of it in silence but that was okay. We just loved being with each other. We are a team and we love doing things together. That Monday I brought the kids to see their Dad, and it was a circus for
sure. Needless to say I didn't stay very long that visit. The rest of the week had me going in the morning time and then come home for a few hours make sure the kids had food for dinner and then I'd go back in the evening for a few more hours. Which I would help him brush his teeth, and occasionally we would watch a movie together. That time was so precious to me now. (In sickness and in health - I was with him all the way) I really hated leaving at night because I was afraid something would happen to him and I wouldn't be there to help him. After a few days he didn't need the morphine as often and eventually stopped it altogether middle of the week. About that time his appetite was coming back. Throughout the week several of his siblings came to visit him, some a few different times. <br />
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I had to fight feeling guilty because I was spending so much time at the hospital while my amazing children were holding down the fort at home. The kids were amazing through this. I kept telling Chris how great the kids were being, and as such said, "Go ahead and start netflix for the kids. Just be sure and tell them that I'm not going soft in the head but it's because they are being so great through this." So on Friday I set that up for them (us) so that they(we) could be entertained here at home and I wouldn't feel as guilty being gone with my husband at the hospital. I was forgetting to eat at home, so I would only remember as I was already heading up - so I stopped somewhere pretty much every day and picked something up to eat back in his room. We did jamba juice one night and just enjoyed being together. Oh how I wish I could have that again. I was getting really antsy for him to be back at home, with the rest of us where he belonged. But his breathing was still having issues. Saturday night we were informed that they would do a CT scan the next day to make sure they didn't see anything new or different and that as long as it was okay we could go home on Monday, November 10th. They performed the CT scan on Sunday morning and nothing new was revealed. So the doctor felt like it was okay to head home, however, he was hesitant in letting him come home. Well, it sure took a while to get the okay to leave and come home. The kids enjoyed him being home, and he even had a stay outside in the fresh air bundled up sitting on a chair in the sun. Esther had finally interacted with her Dad on her own accord, because in the hospital she didn't want anything to do with him. <br />
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We got set up with oxygen here at home, and had a concentrator plugged in. And I grew a serious appreciation for nurses especially those that cover the night shift. He basically stayed in the recliner that we have in our living room and I'd still help him with all the things I was already doing while he was in the hospital. Tuesday was a rough day since he didn't sleep well Monday night, so he had a hard time feeling like he could catch his breath all day. Tuesday night he slept better, and Wednesday was an AWESOME day. We were finally hopeful that he was on the road to recovery. <br /><br />He was smiling most of the day felt really good, he was playing games with Esther, later that night we were watching Quantam Leap on Netflix, and sharing a big bag of dark chocolate m&m's. And Esther especially loved that daddy was sharing with her! Things were good, peaceful. He stayed in the livingroom and I went to my bed to sleep. Nervous as heck like the previous two nights at home and all the nights while he was in the hospital. <br /><br />We woke up the next morning, and from the start he was having a hard time catching his breath. We headed down to Payson for a Dr. appointment as a followup from the hospital visit. It was a cold day. Chris was so winded by the time we got him into the building from the car, and he looked terrible - like he should have been in the hospital. After a few tests, x-rays and breathing treatments in the office he was looking so much better. Still extremely winded and difficult to feel like he was getting enough air. According to the x-rays there he still had the pneumonia clear throughout both lungs and all over in the lungs. We headed home, and it was now snowing. And I remember telling him, "Gosh, this is when I wish you were well enough to be driving" (I hate driving in tricky weather conditions). <br /><br />Upon getting home, we had a little bit of time before I had to go get my kids from school. I remember sitting on my couch after the kids were home and thinking, "Oh man, I've got to go get something figured out for dinner, but I'm so exhausted) No sooner had I finished saying that, one of our dear neighbors was knocking on the door with an armful of stuff to eat for dinner. I started to cry when I realized that they were inspired to bring some food over. Dinner was now taken care of.<br />
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My sister in law had come over to do piano lessons with my kids since it was that day of the week. She brought two of her four kids with her, and we had a houseful of happy fun noise going on. Chris didn't mind it at all. Around 6 or 6:30 I proceeded to warm him up some of the food that was brought over which is some of the best stuff around. And he had about 5 or 6 bites from his bowl before he needed to go use the bathroom. So we pushed the table away from the recliner, and he got up and walked in there and sat down on the toilet and he was breathing so hard and so heavy (like he normally would when walking into that room, which wasn't very far away) and he asked me to rub his back and shoulders as this has usually helped to calm his breathing down previously and after 10 minutes of me doing that it wasn't getting any better. Esther our three year old who is potty training and nearly there came running in, I have to go potty! We only have one bathroom and I started to panic not knowing what I could do so that she wouldn't have an accident but ... the first thought that came, run her next door. So I ran her over and luckily the neighbor was home and let us use their bathroom. And as I was leaving, her husband was coming in from being at work or something like that. I ran back home, and put Esther down, and ran to Chris and saw him laying on the floor between the sink area and the toilet/tub area. I almost got a little freaked out right then, till I realized he was conscience and I ran up and knelt by him and rubbed his head and asked him if he fell. He said, that he didn't fall but that he felt light headed, so he laid down. I ran to get the oxcimeter we bought just a few days ago, that helps monitor the oxygen level, and pulse rate. The first time I put it on, it read low 70's for his oxygen level and mid 40's for his pulse rate. Now I started to freak out. I told him we needed to get him to the hospital. <br /><br />Because he is a big guy there was no way I could do this on my own. I ran back next door trying to remain as calm as possible and recruit Kawika. He came over, and I sent a daughter to the other neighbor to get him. Chris was down on the floor for at least 30 minutes and could not get up on his own. We helped get him up to the chair that I put in there and he suggested to swap it out with the black desk chair that has wheels. Brilliant on his part - like he always is. So we got him to the black chair, and in this process realized he was covered in sweat - just from laying on the floor. I knew something wasn't quite right. <br /><br />We got him in the car with the help of another friend that was walking by right at that moment and I had pulled the van up onto the lawn so that we didn't have to go to far to get Chris in the car. Once in, I left and just took off. (I had already arranged a ride for my 10th grade daughter to get up to the high school since she was part of Pirates of Penzance). On the way to the hospital before we got on the freeway he was still telling me how to drive. I could hear him breathing since it was pretty darn audible. And I was nervous as heck driving him up to Timpanogos hospital where we had just been released three days earlier. By the time I was at the intersection right in front of the hospital, halfway through the turn, it got eerily quiet and after I finished the turn I looked over and it was pretty. My sweetheart had stopped breathing on me. I was crying and pleading that he stay here, and as I pulled into the parking lot he was falling over into me since we hadn't buckled him in. So I put up a hand to hold him up and his face was so lifeless. Right then, I knew things were never going to be the same. I was honking my horn as I was pulling up, and screaming for help. Luckily two people were walking out just as I pulled up and I fumbled to remember how to get my window down and once I did, I screamed that he wasn't breathing!! They ran inside and within seconds here came a team of people running out and the first doctor opened up the car to check the situation, and I'm completely hysterically crying he assured me that I did everything I should have. He wasn't breathing but he had a pulse. It was a weak pulse, but it was a pulse. They had a hard time trying to get him from the car to the gurney, and off they went running into the hospital. I came running, and crying right behind them. <br />
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The people at the desks were so kind and helpful asking me who they could call for me. And the first person that came to mind was my sweet sister in law Amy. I knew her number and they called her. I hadn't remembered to bring either of our phones so I didn't know anyone else's number. However, I did remember to bring my kindle fire with me, and left it in the van. I gave my keys to one of the ladies and told her she could move it out of the way too. So I pulled up LDS Tools to get my bishops number and from there, I can't quite remember anything else except reaching my parents was pretty hard. And we managed to call his Dad. These amazing people were doing there best to make me comfortable and calmed down as much as I could be under those circumstances. The Dr. was very honest and upfront with me, and said it really was serious and didn't look good. Remember, I already knew it wasn't going to be the same. Through a crack in the ER room they pulled him into I could see them doing the chest compressions and that set me off about the reality of the situation, someone noticed my view from there and adjusted the curtain so that I couldn't see. <br /><br />Eventually Amy showed up and she had no idea what was going on, other than it was about Chris. So she was with me, and they had us head back to a private room away from the craziness, and we just cried. The Dr. came in again and said that they were doing everything they could and had this been a nursing home patient they would have stopped already. They worked on him for 15 - 20 minutes before they came in and called it. My bishop was in the room and of course, Amy. So I wasn't alone, but felt so alone. <br /><br />I had some of my good friends from my neighborhood end up at the hospital along with Chris's Dad. And the whole thing was just surreal. The doctor told me that when I was ready I could go in and see him. It took a little bit of time. I just kept thinking this isn't happening. My husband didn't just pass away. <br /><br />After some time and priesthood blessing from Chris's father, and my bishop I felt like it was time to go see my sweetheart. They warned me that he had a tube coming out of his mouth. That he was basically naked, but that a blanket was covering him up. And they had cleaned the room up. It was definitely hard to go into the ER room where he was at, but it helped me understand how real this situation really is. I kissed his forehead, and searched for his hand under the blanket. His skin was so cold, but he did look peaceful. His illness was now over. <br /><br />But that's when my journey was just beginning. It's not one I would suggest. But really the spiritual side of everything I was roaring like a lion, but my heart and body weren't there yet. They probably won't be for a while, and that's okay. From what I hear it takes time some longer than others, but it takes time. <br /><br />So upon getting ready to leave I had a friend drive my van home with me sitting right where he had just been. Luckily my role in the van this time wasn't the same so it wasn't too hard for me, but it did take a few days before I got up the courage to face that difficult challenge. <br /><br />This story will continue in another post. </div>
Wendyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13585298758058959095noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2320447340596346281.post-6528990852379158922014-10-05T23:27:00.000-07:002014-10-05T23:27:12.793-07:00Reflecting on lives lost<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
Sometimes things happen that might completely change your life. Sometimes for the worse, but hopefully for the best. Sometimes we don't expect these desired changes to ever take place. And then one day you get an overwhelming feeling that NOW, now it is time to proceed to the next step. <br /><br /><span style="font-size: large;">Well, we might be approaching one of those moments. And really it's kind of exciting and scary all at the same time. Not sure when I really want to announce what that is exactly. But just know that good things are coming to our family. We truly are blessed in almost every facet of our lives and we like to extend those blessings to those around us. </span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">______________________________________________________________ </span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">Recently we lost our dear sweet mother, Mary Randolph - Chris's mother. On August 14, 2014 she passed away into the world of spirits. She was kind, thoughtful, loving and a joy to be around. She loved her family and clear up till the end she would light up when a grandchild would come into her sight. We had a very great experience for about two weeks. I could feel the spirit extremely well the days prior to her passing, and there were moments of laughter as we reminisced and told stories, and there were also moments of great sadness knowing what was about to happen. Even as I type this the emotions are coming to the surface again. <br /><br />It was such a different experience to go through the death of a loved one and not be so far away geographically to know what was really happening. It was sweet, it was tender, it was very spiritual. It's always hard to think of living on without someone so loved and important to her family. It's almost hard to comprehend that life really does go on for everyone else. <br /><br />Sometimes as I make the drive down to Santaquin, where my in-laws live, I feel like I'm going to show up there and she'll come walking out from her bedroom. (and I would just jump for joy to see her even do that - as she couldn't walk really at all the last several months of her life). She is missed everyday! Little Esther will come up to me and say, "Grandma's in heaven." She barely turned three after Mary's passing. I am amazed at how much she knows at such a young age. <br /><br />It was definitely a rough time for our little family, because we lost her on one day, and the next day we heard that the first Bishop that we had after we bought our home here in Provo was killed while on the job. It was a major shock to the ward, stake and neighborhood. He was a great man, and as Christ like as they come. We were unable to attend any of his services because everything was at the exact same time as Mary's. It was such an emotional time, but I'm so glad that the family was able to ALL be close and have those last few days with her as she was crossing over. <br /><br /><br />Then just a week ago, a month after the funerals for the other two people, we found out that a young father age 30 unexpectedly died from a pulmonary embolism. His cute wife just gave birth to their second child 8 weeks before. I'm amazed at her faith through this. I had the chance to talk with her two days after he passed away and she is a strong woman. I want to be like her. Life is so precious and fragile, and there really is no time to harbor ill feelings towards those you care about, or are part of your family. </span></div>
Wendyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13585298758058959095noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2320447340596346281.post-42099931638635672992014-05-15T22:22:00.000-07:002014-05-15T22:22:04.715-07:00My sweet two year old ....<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjoog_dsI9jmyZP_phl8F2dMMZQfjWi-z9WRPPVnsbjTFidnyBER-hvf_bXCudrw6S3pZerkztwNxT3NUWl3sfhHKs8PZCCxXFeXx-Ahm8GIr5bqhJSFvdmccUJwdVJCTkyeVYbWybtIs8/s1600/20140326ER1001.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjoog_dsI9jmyZP_phl8F2dMMZQfjWi-z9WRPPVnsbjTFidnyBER-hvf_bXCudrw6S3pZerkztwNxT3NUWl3sfhHKs8PZCCxXFeXx-Ahm8GIr5bqhJSFvdmccUJwdVJCTkyeVYbWybtIs8/s1600/20140326ER1001.jpg" height="400" width="266" /></a></div>
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgWB5e-eg51ccxJWHcWhZ7hJzh2ImiNxGwC1Meqc4z3Qqt3Px1HAzKPGbaha0QuDfXAMvGfzplotRmalT30bOPs0KJmmxD9DQikMAehuvSkOXTWhQDZz9HvTv3vlHKA9AqxxS8Bq5JfliQ/s1600/IMG_3097.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgWB5e-eg51ccxJWHcWhZ7hJzh2ImiNxGwC1Meqc4z3Qqt3Px1HAzKPGbaha0QuDfXAMvGfzplotRmalT30bOPs0KJmmxD9DQikMAehuvSkOXTWhQDZz9HvTv3vlHKA9AqxxS8Bq5JfliQ/s1600/IMG_3097.jpg" height="400" width="266" /></a><br />
There are advantages to having a cute little two year old, and
photography equipment. And oh yeah, knowing how to take an excellent
photo. So, with both of these photos it was completely impromptu. The
first one I had set up just to practice with my flash and using the
backgrounds and where I should place the light. She was in her pajamas
still and I think she might have even had "stuff" on her face. She's
still stinking cute! <br /><br />
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This bottom one is from right after doing a newborn session for a
friend. Esther saw a piece of hard foam equipment that I had in the
room and she moved it over and said, "Take a picture Mommy!" she wanted
me to, so who am I to say NO? Right, so I worked with it. Now I
really want to take off and do more "studio" types especially during the
cold months so I can keep busy. So just remember if you want to
schedule a session contact me and lets work something out.
(wendy@wlpmemories.com) <br /><br />That smile! It's kind of her "I'm a stinker, but know I'm cute" smile and I wouldn't have it any other way. Here's to having a cute little two year old running around. </div>
Wendyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13585298758058959095noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2320447340596346281.post-2354787558377726172014-05-11T23:36:00.004-07:002014-05-11T23:36:53.102-07:00Trying to play a year of catch up .... how am I doing? <div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
Oh my goodness I can't believe how much of a slacker I've been in recording our families happenings. I'm going to be better at this from now on. I miss looking back over the last several months and seeing the fun little things that have happened with us, or for us. So I am going to start right now. A quick recap of our year so far .... <br /><br />It's been a lot different than last in that we haven't had many illnesses as we did last year. For which I am truly grateful. We had a lot of sad news come to us from family and friends towards the end of 2013 such as a previous home teacher Josh Robison passing away 1 day after his first child and son were born. He was in his early 20s - clearly not long enough to spend with his sweet wife and now new son. <br /><br />Secondly we witnessed (rather Chris) a person attempt to take his own life and all while we had visitors and lots of little kids running around and playing as kids do. Thankfully not one of the kids actually saw what was attempted and neither did I. That I consider a tender mercy from my Heavenly Father. <br /><br />That same weekend as the attempted suicide we also found out that a great friend of Chris's was to report to a federal prison the following Monday (only two or three days after we initially found out). Chris did have a chance to talk on the phone with said friend the night before he left, and we've been in constant contact since then and have watched him grow in many ways. While he is going through his own set of trials now because of choices he made, we are considering it a tender mercy that God's timing in things happening in our own life has been a blessing to others already. <br /><br />And the most recent bout of news that has affected me more than the rest of the family - I found out that some close friends of mine went through a divorce and finalized back in March. I was clueless! Had no idea that anything was wrong. So I have a lot of questions floating in my mind and hopefully in the future I can have some of those answered. I happened to find out the night before Chris had the entire day scheduled off and so I find it an incredible tender mercy from my father in heaven that my sweet husband was there for me, after his dental appointment, to cry on his shoulder and to have his arms wrapped around me as I tried to process this devastating news. <br /><br />More happy news to tell though .... We've celebrated lots of birthdays (I hope to go into individual posts for those in the near future but for now this is going to have to do) <br />
We have Katherine involved with Ballroom dance at her jr. high school, and it's so fun going to watch her perform right along with her team. She's so talented with this and looks absolutely graceful. She auditioned for Timpview High School and made the JV team for next year. However, we did find out that it's a before/after school program now and we're not sure how well that will work out. Too bad my kids didn't drive themselves yet. <br /><br />Heidi has been making friends with some wonderful girls in the neighborhood and now one of her friends lives right next door as of a few weeks ago (almost). It's been fun having her taunt off with these kids and seeing her grow as a person. I love seeing her break away from her shyness shell ... it's about time! <br /><br />Thomas and Ethan are now enjoying baseball again. Thomas is playing legit baseball and is playing mostly the part of the catcher. So he has to put all that catcher's gear on and at first he was very upset about doing it, but his team won their game last Monday and now he's a bit more excited to play. I'm excited to watch him grow as a player and develop this skill. Along with watching his younger brother start learning more of the mechanics of the game as he is doing machine pitch this year. <br /><br />Kaylee just turned the ripe old age of 15 and has crushes galore. Trying to keep her head in reality seems to be difficult these days as she's oohing and aahing *spelling over these cute boys she sees just about everywhere. After all she is now at the end of her ninth grade year and she's at a high school full of cute boys. But I think she's also excited to get to the point of taking her test to get her permit ..probably this summer. (Maybe) <br />
I'm busy with my photography business "Wendy Lynn Photography" and am working on ways to bring in more clients and attract more clients. It's always fun to spend time with these people and then see their reactions when they see their photos afterwards. I don't know why I didn't fall into this years ago instead of just recently. It's fun, challenging and feels very rewarding when a client is happy. However it is only part time right now, but hopefully in a few months it'll be a bit bigger. (Crossing fingers) (<a href="http://www.wlpmemories.com/">www.wlpmemories.com</a>) <br /><br />Chris is working steadily at Solution Services still and coming up on his 9th year there. So great to be married to someone who has a great work ethic and has tendencies that make keeping employment very possible, and makes him very likeable. <br /><br />Esther is busy being a toddler, learning to use her scooter, even trying to put on roller skates, dressing and undressing herself, and is quite the chatter box as well as a smart alec. Can you believe that? She's 2 1/2 and she's already a smart alec. Oh boy ... <br /><br /><br />What's going on in your neck of the woods? </div>
Wendyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13585298758058959095noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2320447340596346281.post-89942088560749089812013-07-11T23:18:00.003-07:002013-07-11T23:18:52.498-07:00SLURPEE TIME <div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
So I know that many people have probably stopped in at their local <span style="font-size: large;"><span style="color: red;">7</span>-<span style="color: #274e13;">eleven </span></span>store and picked up their free small slurpee. Well we were no exception. <br />
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After I headed to the school for the last day of the summer lunches (that are free for the kids) I drove over to our 7-eleven and surprisingly the lines weren't very long at all. So I was in line with my SIX kids to get our slurpees. <br />
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We waited less then five minutes in line and ended up with 7 tasty slurpees and six balloons! <br />
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Now I told my kids that I wanted them to pose for a picture before they all took off in their own directions once we got home. When I take pictures of my kids I am mostly all about the candid shots. So I don't get too technical and I'm not always checking for "merging" items in the shot. It's not always composed very well but it's a memory. And this picture is a prime example... I was laughing when I looked at this first one. <br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiPkLZen_yKRGOCWmyONJJxxLPI4xmqA_gC2TSBv_nnaQGwdT9t1lpTrXwQuf1OmvQVsIyelwefo6pk66-wd_HypabTa9qAjhkCzcmXSW9eIzx9uQ34mxnKPpkP3B24eFWTsfLylJNYNw4/s1600/IMG_0127.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="424" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiPkLZen_yKRGOCWmyONJJxxLPI4xmqA_gC2TSBv_nnaQGwdT9t1lpTrXwQuf1OmvQVsIyelwefo6pk66-wd_HypabTa9qAjhkCzcmXSW9eIzx9uQ34mxnKPpkP3B24eFWTsfLylJNYNw4/s640/IMG_0127.JPG" width="640" /></a></div>
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Now this second one I actually took first and I think it's one I'm going to be laughing at for years to come as well. I love my little Esther's stance, and the look on her face. </div>
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So we hope you all had a fun 7-eleven/free slurpee day like we did. </div>
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Wendyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13585298758058959095noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2320447340596346281.post-4896636375233438272013-05-13T08:55:00.002-07:002013-05-13T08:55:56.052-07:00Hubs is sick, I'm not. <div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
I feel so bad that my hubby has been sick now for an entire week. Seems to be a bionic case of the flu or a cold, but it's been miserable for him. <br />
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However, while he's been sick I've been busy. <br />
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Busy buying flowers -- he couldn't say no, because he felt so sick. (He actually told me that I could go buy some, he just didn't say how much $ was the limit) hehe.. <br />
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Busy planting those flowers -- Several pots on the front porch a few in the back of the house, four hanging baskets, all of that equals a lot of flowers and a lot of awesome color. <br />
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Busy buying four new planter containers to use on the front porch, which look awesome by the way. <br />
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Busy mowing the front yard, followed by the back yard the next day. <br />
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Busy setting up the cooler in order for us to use it on the HOT days that are lurking at the door step. <br />
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Busy taking kids to this activity or that one. Taking all six kids to a class play that one of our daughters (Katherine) was performing in. <br />
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Busy taking care of my family and wondering where in the world I'm finding energy to keep going for so long. But, I'm really starting to feel it today. <br />
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Busy transplanting our seed starts into the garden. <br />
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Busy helping my sick husband with new home made tomato cages. These should be 100% better than the little flimsy ones that we've been using for the last several years. <br />
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Busy planting more strawberries into our make shift flower bed in the back yard. <br />
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And if that wasn't enough.... I now feel that our garden space needs to be lengthened another 8 ft. so that I can plant the rest of our seed starts and have enough room for everything. <br />
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I love SPRING and all the outside work that I can do. I just wish I loved doing the inside work just as much. But I don't. I don't know what it is about doing things outside that really gets me motivated but I love being outside and fixing up the yard. Now to apply the same thought process to the inside, that has obviously been neglected the last four days. </div>
Wendyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13585298758058959095noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2320447340596346281.post-77555002873735375402013-05-06T13:19:00.000-07:002013-05-06T13:19:31.668-07:00T-man Before and After <div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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Before:</div>
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After: </div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgZ6HO4YPnsLBgZYNojuxAyNrcAFBjZ2Wlgy8TyR5rDtSqkqewDlernLx5tTXx2sMYC3xfsYD4RrFQ5dXtKnx9onsMK7nB5LGal9vL24WmqG4YfFDP4JBRnSYgPJuK6kwKl7kpfGw3snDA/s1600/IMG_0600.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgZ6HO4YPnsLBgZYNojuxAyNrcAFBjZ2Wlgy8TyR5rDtSqkqewDlernLx5tTXx2sMYC3xfsYD4RrFQ5dXtKnx9onsMK7nB5LGal9vL24WmqG4YfFDP4JBRnSYgPJuK6kwKl7kpfGw3snDA/s640/IMG_0600.jpg" width="425" /></a></div>
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This is a first for this kid. 8 years old and finally losing his FIRST tooth, which he </div>
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asked his Dad to pull out. And then, a week later he had his Dad pull out the other front </div>
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tooth right beside it. It was a good thing though that the first tooth finally came out </div>
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because the other tooth was already growing in and once I realized that then we made it a </div>
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matter of urgency to get the other one out. This happened April 28th, 2013.</div>
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Wendyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13585298758058959095noreply@blogger.com0