Sorry it's a long one!!
I have to say that through this last year, I have felt very weak at times, wanting to give up at others, and feeling extremely overwhelmed by all the tasks that I was now solely responsible for.
And as annoying as it got to hear so many people tell me how strong I was and that I was an inspiration to them for how I was dealing with things in my life under the current situation, I didn't see it, I didn't feel it - but deep down that's what kept me afloat when I was all but sinking. My struggles have been real and they have been hard, they've been emotional, spiritual, and physical. And when you feel like your whole world was yanked from under your feet trying to find solid ground again becomes difficult. At times it doesn't feel possible. I'm not perfect, I struggle with lots of things, but I try to be a good person and do what's right and when I realize I've gotten of course, I do what's needed to make those course corrections.
I have friends right now facing their own struggles. One's I don't want! One's I think are very TOUGH compared to mine. But if I could make their burdens any lighter I would in a heartbeat.
My wish is for everyone to not be so quick to pass judgement on someone else. That person might just be having some real struggles going on that you know nothing of, and they might be a pivotal point where your actions towards them, or your words said aloud to them can push them over the edge if they aren't kind words. We need to look for the good in others. After all we are all children of a loving heavenly father - who loves us and we should love him.
If it wasn't for everyone who has prayed and might be praying still for my kids and I - I'd for sure be swallowed up in the massive depths of despair and loneliness never to surface and be social and helpful ever again. I know I say I have to do everything alone now that Chris has been gone for over 14 months, but really I know I'm not doing it alone. Sometimes my vision gets clouded over and I don't exactly see the help from others. Sometimes it's just a simple comment, a smile, or a hug - or leaders and friends that do so much for my children that I can't do.
The burden has been heavy at times, until I reach heavenward and invoke the powers of the atonement to help ease the pains and grief that I'm experiencing. Even as I write this, my eyes are drenched with tears knowing where I was when this all happened and where I am now and where I'm headed still.
Everyday we have a chance to make a difference and I'm so grateful that so many of you have reached out to me right when it was needed. Loosing a spouse (or any loved one) isn't easy with or without the gospel. But with the gospel it is more bearable and becomes easier to carry that load. Just because you might be a good person doesn't mean "bad or terrible" things aren't going to happen. It's how you deal and handle it that defines who you are.
I was feeling weak, very weak for awhile, but I feel I've found my footing again and am pressing forward with a steadfastness in Christ and holding firm to the rod that will take me back to my heavenly father, and I hope that along the way I can help others that are struggling. I know the realness of it, and how easy it is to slip into not thinking its worth it, but you know what it is!
Life is worth living and it's our privilege to be here! We have bad times and hard days but we're not designed to be sad and depressed because things aren't going according to plan. And if it's not going according to your plan then maybe that's the lords way of saying I have a different plan for you.
I have to say that through this last year, I have felt very weak at times, wanting to give up at others, and feeling extremely overwhelmed by all the tasks that I was now solely responsible for.
And as annoying as it got to hear so many people tell me how strong I was and that I was an inspiration to them for how I was dealing with things in my life under the current situation, I didn't see it, I didn't feel it - but deep down that's what kept me afloat when I was all but sinking. My struggles have been real and they have been hard, they've been emotional, spiritual, and physical. And when you feel like your whole world was yanked from under your feet trying to find solid ground again becomes difficult. At times it doesn't feel possible. I'm not perfect, I struggle with lots of things, but I try to be a good person and do what's right and when I realize I've gotten of course, I do what's needed to make those course corrections.
I have friends right now facing their own struggles. One's I don't want! One's I think are very TOUGH compared to mine. But if I could make their burdens any lighter I would in a heartbeat.
My wish is for everyone to not be so quick to pass judgement on someone else. That person might just be having some real struggles going on that you know nothing of, and they might be a pivotal point where your actions towards them, or your words said aloud to them can push them over the edge if they aren't kind words. We need to look for the good in others. After all we are all children of a loving heavenly father - who loves us and we should love him.
If it wasn't for everyone who has prayed and might be praying still for my kids and I - I'd for sure be swallowed up in the massive depths of despair and loneliness never to surface and be social and helpful ever again. I know I say I have to do everything alone now that Chris has been gone for over 14 months, but really I know I'm not doing it alone. Sometimes my vision gets clouded over and I don't exactly see the help from others. Sometimes it's just a simple comment, a smile, or a hug - or leaders and friends that do so much for my children that I can't do.
The burden has been heavy at times, until I reach heavenward and invoke the powers of the atonement to help ease the pains and grief that I'm experiencing. Even as I write this, my eyes are drenched with tears knowing where I was when this all happened and where I am now and where I'm headed still.
Everyday we have a chance to make a difference and I'm so grateful that so many of you have reached out to me right when it was needed. Loosing a spouse (or any loved one) isn't easy with or without the gospel. But with the gospel it is more bearable and becomes easier to carry that load. Just because you might be a good person doesn't mean "bad or terrible" things aren't going to happen. It's how you deal and handle it that defines who you are.
I was feeling weak, very weak for awhile, but I feel I've found my footing again and am pressing forward with a steadfastness in Christ and holding firm to the rod that will take me back to my heavenly father, and I hope that along the way I can help others that are struggling. I know the realness of it, and how easy it is to slip into not thinking its worth it, but you know what it is!
Life is worth living and it's our privilege to be here! We have bad times and hard days but we're not designed to be sad and depressed because things aren't going according to plan. And if it's not going according to your plan then maybe that's the lords way of saying I have a different plan for you.
