Wednesday, January 27, 2016

Looking back but moving forward...

Sorry it's a long one!!

I have to say that through this last year, I have felt very weak at times, wanting to give up at others, and feeling extremely overwhelmed by all the tasks that I was now solely responsible for.

And as annoying as it got to hear so many people tell me how strong I was and that I was an inspiration to them for how I was dealing with things in my life under the current situation, I didn't see it, I didn't feel it - but deep down that's what kept me afloat when I was all but sinking.  My struggles have been real and they have been hard, they've been emotional, spiritual, and physical.  And when you feel like your whole world was yanked from under your feet trying to find solid ground again becomes difficult.  At times it doesn't feel possible.  I'm not perfect, I struggle with lots of things, but I try to be a good person and do what's right and when I realize I've gotten of course, I do what's needed to make those course corrections.

I have friends right now facing their own struggles.  One's I don't want! One's I think are very TOUGH compared to mine.  But if I could make their burdens any lighter I would in a heartbeat.

My wish is for everyone to not be so quick to pass judgement on someone else.  That person might just be having some real struggles going on that you know nothing of, and they might be a pivotal point where your actions towards them, or your words said aloud to them can push them over the edge if they aren't kind words.  We need to look for the good in others. After all we are all children of a loving heavenly father - who loves us and we should love him.

If it wasn't for everyone who has prayed and might be praying still for my kids and I - I'd for sure be swallowed up in the massive depths of despair and loneliness never to surface and be social and helpful ever again.  I know I say I have to do everything alone now that Chris has been gone for over 14 months, but really I know I'm not doing it alone.  Sometimes my vision gets clouded over and I don't exactly see the help from others.  Sometimes it's just a simple comment, a smile, or a hug - or leaders and friends that do so much for my children that I can't do.

The burden has been heavy at times, until I reach heavenward and invoke the powers of the atonement to help ease the pains and grief that I'm experiencing.   Even as I write this, my eyes are drenched with tears knowing where I was when this all happened and where I am now and where I'm headed still.

Everyday we have a chance to make a difference and I'm so grateful that so many of you have reached out to me right when it was needed.  Loosing a spouse (or any loved one) isn't easy with or without the gospel.  But with the gospel it is more bearable and becomes easier to carry that load. Just because you might be a good person doesn't mean "bad or terrible" things aren't going to happen.  It's how you deal and handle it that defines who you are.

I was feeling weak, very weak for awhile, but I feel I've found my footing again and am pressing forward with a steadfastness in Christ and holding firm to the rod that will take me back to my heavenly father, and I hope that along the way I can help others that are struggling. I know the realness of it, and how easy it is to slip into not thinking its worth it, but you know what it is!

Life is worth living and it's our privilege to be here!  We have bad times and hard days but we're not designed to be sad and depressed because things aren't going according to plan.  And if it's not going according to your plan then maybe that's the lords way of saying I have a different plan for you.

Friday, January 22, 2016

Friday's Myths and Facts _1

Today I sit and wonder about a lot of things! 

MYTH:  I've observed some things since I've moved into our new home in Santaquin just four months ago.  In my head I pictured that the house would not have trash laying about because of my children. I thought they would magically clean up after themselves and that all remnants of anything resembling trash would end up in the garbage can.  

FACT: Said kids leave said trash around said house.  
MYTH: In my head I imagined that my front room which is termed the piano room would remain my CLEAN and TIDY all the time room. We'd reserve it for chilling in the evenings, and when visiting teachers or friends come over that want a fun room to visit in. 

FACT: Said room is the first stop in the door and said kids above leave their things in there all the time.  Right now there are throw blankets all over the room.  It'd take like five - seven minutes to tidy the whole room up but what am I doing first?  That's right entertaining myself and pumping myself up for a day full of more tasks like that.
MYTH: I thought I'd never fall down my own stairs because I'd always hold onto the rail as I'm going up or coming down. 

FACT:  Just a few weeks ago I ended up with a sore bum because I was being productive and cleaning trash from my room because I had a late night snack and then fell asleep the night before.  I didn't have a free hand because it was more than one late night snack and right at the bottom of the stairs  BUMP, thump and CRASH.  Needless to say I now take more time coming down but going up I climb it like a stinking monkey. I'm using my hands on the stairs ahead of me and crawling up them like I'm an animal.  (My dog Lexie beats me every time)
MYTH: I thought I'd be parking in my garage that is attached to my house.  I've never had a home with this setup and was really excited for it. 

FACT: Because of my own doing and wanting to clear space on the inside of the home we moved ALL the boxes and STUFF that we moved in to our house into the garage.  I was only parking in the garage for a few days before I banished my own vehicles from using that space as I had intended.  Now it's on my to do list ASAP because of my pretty new car that I want parked in there.  But these days I have the  motivation of a snail and seem to move very slowly. Maybe it's just the January blues, or maybe I just suck, either way I know it needs to be cleared out.  And half of my mind wants to just load it up and throw it ALL AWAY.  I don't even care what it is. I just want it gone.  But the other half of me thinks that maybe I'll find hidden money in mass quantities and should check every box in there!   Wishful dreaming I know but still it's something I struggle with. 
MYTH: I thought after Chris died a little over 14 months ago that no man in his right mind would ever want to take on my situation, that being a widow with six kids.  But I was hopeful but not too hopeful back then. 

FACT: Actually there is a man that I have in my life and I love him more than anything. He has come along right when I needed him, and he's helping bring balance back to my life. And I hope that I can do the same for him.  My kids all adore him and he likes all of them and thinks that they are amazing kids.  (Sometimes they aren't though).  Sometime to be determined we'll start a life together, but until then I'm cherishing all the moments we have together and coming up with dreams and plans for the new family unit we'll be in the near future. 


Stay tuned for next Friday's edition.  I had so much fun with this one, and feel a little bit of my stress and frustrations relieved that I think I'll continue this for an unidentifiable amount of time.  Which means this could be the only one, or it might not.