Sunday, April 5, 2015

Happy Easter - almost 5 months out

So here I am almost 5 months out since my life was turned upside down.  A lot has happened.  A lot is still the same as it can be without him here.  

I've had moments where I can't believe people can be so mean.  I've had moments where I've been completely happy.  This isn't a black and white journey anymore.  Actually it never was.  I can be happy and get ambushed by a wave of emotions and I can be utterly feeling like all hope is lost and then someone comes along and makes me feel like that isn't the case.  

I've had a few more firsts that I've experienced without Chris.   On St. Patty's day I fell off my back steps in the process of rolling my ankle.  I cried. My phone went flying and I was more worried about it then myself for a few seconds at least.  But I still took my kids bowling that night and they loved it.  It was a lot of fun.  

I ended up playing in a basketball tournament game later that week too.  And the last few years he was there in my cheering section. He was my one fan.   And this year wasn't that way.  I did have fun though.  

I've been hitting up the local rec center so I can workout 3 - 4 times a week. And I'm loving how I feel once again.  I really don't know why I got off this wagon years ago.  But I'm back and it's here to stay.  

I've also had a few dates in the last month as well.  Two great men, and lots of laughs and fun times.  It feels good to get out and do something with a male adult! Oh my gosh, I sure wish that life wasn't so unfair to people.  So many different challenges and trials that people have to face and I keep wondering which one isn't so bad?  Which one is the easy trial or challenge?   But I've come to realize that they all stink.  Just because I feel like the one I'm in is the ultimate awful one of losing the love of your life, there are others out there that are being tested to their capacity in different ways. 

I was blessed with a kind, loving and compassionate heart and hearing of people that I care about or those that I just meet and the things they have to deal with really make me empathize with them and I wish I could take away all their hurt and pain.  

This weekend is General Conference and this is the first one without him.  It's been really different and the Saturday morning session was really hard.  I know that we're sealed and will be with each other in the next life but it doesn't make the rest of this one any less lonely.  Today is also Easter.  He was the one that took care of prepping for Easter and not having him here really stinks.   Not having anyone here stinks.   But I guess so goes the course of my life.  I'm such a people person and thrive on that and not having another person around to talk with and share my feelings with is hard.   The lack of affection, is hard.  All those things that you might take for granted you really start to miss.  And even the things that I didn't take for granted I miss as well.  

The kids and I are taking a trip this Spring Break and it's going to be the first road trip without him too.  It will be nice to get away though, I need to rejuvenate my mind and my goals and purpose for being here now. Because what I thought it was before he died is no longer what it is now.  

But since it's Easter I am feeling so much more different about the resurrection. And know that because of Jesus Christ's atonement he overcame death.  And that because of him, my family is eternal.  But knowing all of that still doesn't make the here and now a whole lot easier.   I still have the load of two people fall on just my shoulders.  I keep hearing rely on your friends and family.  Well, it's easier said than done.  I don't want to be a burden on anyone else, and if someone really wants to help then I feel like they can just freely offer and I can accept or decline.   I know that life isn't over when someones earthly life is over.  It is hard to want to go on, but I also know it's worse to sit back and chose to live in the past.  My immediate future is looking great and I'm choosing to be happy. But because of others occasionally my happiness level is reduced.  But on the same token if I feel like I need to cry and get the tears out and the frustration and stresses I don't hold back either.  Yesterday was one of those days.  And my car works as a great privacy sound barrier and I can sound as awful as I need to and nobody can hear me. 

I will cheerfully persevere.  It's not going to be easy but if I can find ways to be happy in the moment all of the sudden I can look back and realize that I made a whole week, or month and was happy.   And this last month has been just that.  I've been happy.  There were a few rough moments but just a few and they didn't last very long.   I'm really glad that I do have two new friends that I can talk to if I need it.  And they are fine with it.  It makes me feel like someone else cares and I can get it out of my system and not keep talking to walls here in my own house.  I am realizing the value of GOOD friends again.  I've gone so many years having Chris as my one GOOD friend but I realize that he's not an option now.  And finding others that aren't going to make me feel bad because of my situation are priceless right now. 

Happy Easter