Saturday, December 6, 2014

The beginnings of a very long journey

So I feel like my memory isn't going to be very solid for a very long time.  As it is, my memory of the first few days and weeks since my sweethearts passing are a bit of a blur.  And really it's a good thing.  

I remember pleading with the Lord that very night and the next day in between people coming over that he would erase the image that I last had of my sweet husband.   I cried, and cried because it wasn't a very pretty last image.  I just had a death experience three months earlier and it was so peaceful and spiritual and expected and we all came together and shared memories and the spirit in the home was so abundant.   

Now, with this experience from just a little over three weeks ago, which was completely different I find myself really struggling especially the last few days.   I remember lots and I mean LOTS of people stopping in to give me hugs, drop off things, clean up the kitchen - which had been a mess for almost a month since he first got sick and all my attention was spent trying to help him.   I had money given to us, and lots and lots of people giving me assurance that things would be okay.    We had people coming in to drop off food items, going shopping for paper goods, (toilet paper, paper towels, plates, bowls, plastic ware etc..)   

I feel overwhelmed to say the least.  I'm not used to being on this side of the service.  My  husband and I have been on the other side of giving to those in need, and it made us feel so good to help out where and how we could.   So I don't know if it's a bit of a pride thing that's hanging me up, but I find it really hard to be the recipient of such generosity and love.   

On the Saturday after Chris's passing, I was looking for a cassette tape that I know he recorded with the kids.  And I couldn't remember where it had disappeared to.  I had a thought as I was looking at his dresser/nightstand and saw his huge pile of neatly folded clothes and under all of that was a shoe box, and I thought "What if???"   So I removed all the clothes to the bed keeping the pile neat and folded, and sure enough after messing with stuff in the box, I found it.   I put it in the cassette recorder that we had and the only source to play a cassette and nothing on the side that was available to play at first.  So I flipped it over and rewound the tape a little and hit play.   

The first thing I hear is his voice and he's singing Chris LeDoux's  "Look at You Girl".   He always sang that to me and EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. I would end up in tears.   He sang fantastically, and whistled well too.  He was always singing these love songs to me and it melted my heart.   So when I heard him singing one of my favorites that he did, I instantly felt like I was getting a really tight hug.  And that's all I needed to know that I can do this.  No, it won't be easy.  No, it won't be fun.  Yes, I will miss him like crazy.  But it was his way of letting me know that he knew I can do this.  

Granted after the passing of a loved one, the first of everything tends to be really difficult.  But, I'm trying to face them head on.   I know I'm going in the right direction because I'm feeling peace and know in my heart that somewhere in the future I'll look back at this time and realize that it really was a major boost in my spiritual and personal growth.  But right now, I'm just in survival mode.  I can see how some might want to take their own life after such an extreme loss, and a traumatic experience.  No, I don't feel like that at all, because I have a responsibility to my children to continue to raise them.   And I know that my Heavenly Father loves me and is very mindful of my family.   I know the gospel of Jesus Christ is true!!  Families can be together forever and that means beyond the end of our mortal lives.   I know that I will see him again!  I can only imagine how sweet that reunion will be, and I look forward to it, but hopefully not for a very long, long time from now.  I want to enjoy my children growing up and experiencing all their firsts.  And eventually grandchildren when that time comes.   Chris and I are a perfect match for each other.  We made complete sense together.   Yes, life without him is going to be challenging, but that's what is going to make me into the person Heavenly Father wants and needs me to become.  And I don't think I would be able to become that person with my best friend, confidant, lover, and perfect husband remaining at my side.  

This isn't something I ever imagined to be in my life plan, and it's more testimony to me that I'm not in charge of my life really.   I can make plans, but have to be adaptable if reality changes.  Well, my reality has changed in a major way and now it's going to take some time to figure out what to do, and what my goals are now.  Since things that we had talked about and were planning are no longer going to happen.  

Everyone probably realized that we were set to close on a new house, and I've still felt pangs of sadness when I think how small this house feels and know that I was so close to being able to move into my dream house.  But I know that right where we are is the right place for us to be right now.   And I'm so thankful that Heavenly Father was actually showing me tender mercies all along to prepare me for this, but I didn't realize it as it was happening that it would be for an event as this.

I don't wish this on anyone, at an age like mine.  It's going to be rough, I'm going to be lonely, I'm going to be dead tired, and need breaks.  And my kids are going to want me to do "ONE" more thing, and everything that Chris and I did together I know I have to do on my own now.  And I'm overwhelmed to say the least.

My word of advice for those of you with your spouse still with you, if you aren't out of debt right now .... make a vigilant effort to get out of debt now!!!  Luckily we were out of debt earlier this year thanks to our effort of working together on our money matters, and we were ready to start helping others out exactly how we're getting helped out now.  No reason to delay it, you never know when one of you won't be there and trying to be responsible for debt after the passing of someone could be really hard to deal with.  So other than our home we don't have any debt.  I've been trained really well and will continue to use the system that Chris put into place.  He made it so simple and easy.   I thought going onto a budgeted amount of money for buying groceries was difficult and it sucked, but you know what -- I see now how that has helped me.   And I'm so glad my husband was perfect at preparing for the future.   

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