Sunday, December 7, 2014

Longest three weeks of my life so far ...

You know, I've learned a lot in just the last three + longest weeks of my life. 

Mostly about the atonement. As a younger person I didn't really understand what the atonement was really all about.  I had the idea that it was just for those that had done something wrong and that was it.  But now, NOW I realize it is so much more than that.  And it's the perfect thing in place for me to lighten the burden that I'm now left with.  And the other day before I went to the temple that realization of what it really was hit me, and so before the temple visit I handed that over to the Lord.  I feel at peace and I feel calm, even though things are really chaotic and crazy.  There are several unknowns in my future, but I feel that with Faith I can move forward and know that things will be okay.   This of course, doesn't take away the pain and hurt I feel in losing Chris, but at least it gives me something to look forward to.  

 I'm realizing now, that I was probably at the peak of my personal and spiritual growth with him here, and that for me to complete my learning and growing he had to go ahead of me. I realize how easy he made life for the kids and I.  He was pretty much perfect with a few bouts of obnoxiousness in there.  

Ben (Chris's brother) and Shantil and there family came by last night and were visiting for a while, and before Ben left I asked him for another priesthood blessing, because I have been having a few rough days where the emotions have been so close to the surface.  And the intense loneliness that I was feeling was so much to feel at once.  So in the blessing, I was assured of the Love my Heavenly Father has for me, and that he is still watchful over our family.   And towards the end of the blessing, it was said, "Your husband is still watching over you, and he is thinking of YOU all the time." 

That was something I had been worried with, if he was even thinking of me, and if he had just forgotten me and the kids.  And that just helped alleviate that concern.  He is so dearly missed, and I feel the ache pretty much every day.  And sometimes still can't believe that this is my life now.  It feels weird to try and move forward, and the idea of being truly happy and feeling joy in the future is hard to grasp.  Chris was the best part of my life, and my greatest blessing and now that he's not physically with me anymore I feel a huge whole in my heart and a deep ache in my body. 

Really quick though ... the other night I was having a rough moment and I was bawling and wailing and the kids were all in bed, and I just wasn't feeling so great about this situation at all, and after what seemed like a long time, I had this simple little thought to go and listen to his talk that he gave at his mom's funeral three months ago.   So I went to the computer and put in the audio CD and found the track that was his.  I can't tell you how soothing hearing his voice was to my soul.  I also had his stick of deodorant and kept taking whiffs and I was looking at a photo of him all at the same time and it brought me a lot of peace right then.  I know sounds silly.  But the part that really struck me in listening to the talk, the words he spoke were in regards to his mother, but it was like he was talking to me specifically and telling me answers to questions that I had been asking for the last several days and weeks since his passing.  So he was talking to me, in his voice and answering questions that I was having and it was amazing how calm I felt by the end of his talk.  He was and is a very wise man, and he was so great at comforting me when I really needed it.  And right now, I just wish he was here to bring me that comfort that I so deeply need.    

Anyway, sorry for the rant, I'm just in what I'm calling widow fog and whatever seems to come to mind seems to find it's way out of my mouth or typed onto the screen. 

We have church in a few hours (1pm) so I should probably make sure my kids start the long line of showers and baths to get everyone ready in time.  

And on a happier note, we'll be heading up to Temple Square tomorrow night (Monday) with Ben and Shantil and their kids to check out the lights.   I'm kind of excited for it.  I'm so glad that they had mentioned they were going to do it and offered the invitation for us to join them.   Because taking the kids anywhere and by myself isn't really desired or fun. So I'm glad we have someone else to go with.  

Not sure how today will turn out, since it's the first Fast Sunday since his passing.  I know the spirit will be strong and my heartache will be there too.  I might need to pack along extra tissues today.

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