Sunday, January 4, 2015

My first Christmas Eve

Having fun by the tree.

Caleb, my nephew.
Heidi and Courtney
This is the first Christmas Eve that I am without my sweetheart.  We were invited to my sister in law Amy's house to have dinner with her family and visit and be together.  It was great that I didn't have to make dinner!   Really, who's going to turn down dinner when you don't have to make it?   (Usually not me!)  

I've had my older girls helping with wrapping presents this year, and I still have a few to do on my own that I don't want them to know about.  So I'll be up for a while. I'm hoping to get the kids to bed REALLY soon or at least in the back room since they all love to sleep in the same room on Christmas Eve.   Then I can wrap out here in the living room and watch a Christmas movie on Netflix while I'm slaving away all by my lonesome.  

I'm aware of the fact that I'm getting used to him not being here.  Not that I'm forgetting, but when someone isn't coming around anymore I think the mind starts to adjust and it gets easier to live without them.  Not better, just easier.   I still miss him like crazy and want for him to be with me so badly.  But I think I'm accepting the fact that he's gone and he isn't coming in the door any time soon. 

I was really angry this last weekend and mad.  I started lashing out at my kids, but knew that's not how I wanted to be.  I had a hard Saturday night with crying up to an hour and half before it was out of my system, but I picked up the next morning right where I left off.  I was crying all through church, and just felt alone.  I asked one of my dear friends and former home teacher for a priesthood blessing and the two of us along with his wife, and a neighbor of mine, Kawika Allen walked into an old Bishops office that isn't being used anymore and I had that blessing.  And it felt so good afterwards to just tell someone other than my walls about how I'm feeling almost on a daily basis.   It was some great therapy for me and I felt so much better after having done that.  (Did I mention I have a great friends and a great ward/neighborhood here)  

So back to tonight, I am determined to make Christmas joyous and happy for my kids and for myself.  I've always loved Christmas and I don't have any intentions of changing that.  

After having fun, talking, playing and visiting with family we came home via Kaylee driving!  (She's getting so much better I might add) and we watched The Nativity video on and then we opened the Christmas Eve gift.  Of course, there gift is always PJ's so some of the kids were super excited.  

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