Monday, February 2, 2015

When Destiny Calls ...

Life is so surreal.  I keep thinking that he'll be coming home any minute, and when he's not here by the normal get home from work time I still start to worry about him and whether he's alright or if he's gotten into an accident or something.  It's so crazy!  I think I'm starting to enter a numb phase again, this cycle of emotions is not fun, nor wanted.  (at least not on a repeat cycle) 

It's hard having my life turned upside down out of the blue. Having to rethink plans, come up with new dreams, set new goals, take on extra responsibilities and watching every thing around me fall to chaos.  Not so much because I want it to, but I really have no desire to change it right now.  I feel like I'm in a huge body of water and waves are just hitting me left and right and I'm having a hard time staying a float. And catching my breath in between the crushing waves. 

And for those wondering if life is "back to normal" - we weren't normal before and we really aren't normal now.  We're still learning to adjust, and some moments it's all I can do to just survive.  Here I've almost made it three months without him and I never saw myself here.  It's a long time to be without someone you love so dearly and deeply.  Every day passes and I realize even more and more how amazing he was beyond what I new and felt when he was alive.  

I haven't really made food in the last three months, I've been good to keep snacks and fresh fruit and veggies on hand and my kids have helped themselves, and thanks to families in my neighborhood and ward we've had plenty of meals brought in so we haven't starved.  I just don't seem to have the drive I had before, but I guess that's normal too. 

Everyone seems to have all the answers for me.  Apparently I'm supposed to just shake it off and be okay. Well, it doesn't work like that.  And right now, I might seem okay but don't hold it against me if I'm not okay in 5 minutes.  I feel like everyone wants to walk on eggshells around me, I just want to feel like I fit in still, but in some ways I feel like I don't and I never will.   Trying to carve out "my space" is consuming all of my time, but even then I have to suck up the creation of me and focus on my kids. 

They are doing well, mostly.  I'm pulling my second oldest out of public school and enrolling her in the Provo school districts e-school.  Hopefully we'll finish that up tomorrow, getting her withdrawal complete that is.  The other kids are still attending as usual, but I can't help but feel that sometimes I'm not going to be enough to get them ready for what lays ahead.  How can I?  I don't even know what lays ahead.  Thank goodness I have wise, church leaders that are concerned for and care about us. 

Lonely is the all encompassing word to describe what I feel, and saying "I miss Chris" is the all encompassing phrase that describes how I feel about him being in the next phase of life.  I keep a family photo in my living room and I look at it often, and if it weren't for the photo, I think I'd start to forget what he looks like. 

I had an experience tonight that was kind of sweet and brought more tears amongst the ones of missing him that I was already producing.  I said out loud that I need you Chris, and when I sat in the car with tears streaming down my face, a song came on the radio that I know wasn't a coincidence. 

It was Phil Collins You'll Be in my Heart - 
   There was a part that says,
 "When destiny calls you
You must be strong
I may not be with you
But you've got to hold on
They'll see in time I know
We'll show them together.

'Cause you'll be in my heart
Believe me,you'll be in my heart (I'll be there)
From this day on
Now and forever more."

There were parts that specifically spoke to me and I know that he tries to communicate to me through music. Then it says "Just look over your shoulder, just look over your shoulder ..."  and you know what I looked over my shoulder and there was my sweet little Esther sleeping in the car.