Monday, August 24, 2015

I've made it 9 plus months as a widow

I think it's time for an update on my life as a widow:

So, I am almost 9 and half months out and I've sold my previous two vehicles replaced them with two different ones. Have a Tahoe that I love!

I've registered my kids in new schools closer to where we'll be living hopefully soon. I've signed papers back in February for having a new home built that we would want to move into. I've been dealing with all the ups and downs of the home building process which include delays, seeing visible progress and getting excited when the flooring was laid and I had most of a kitchen put in.

I've kept my kids alive. Showers, and enough sleep, and whether they had decent food to eat were always optional. (Hey I can't do everything!) they had plenty of amazing friends to play with and make memories with.

I decided to purchase a projector for the awesome use of watching movies outdoors. Guess who's house will rock next summer in Santaquin? That's right our house!

I have decided to go back to school and that starts in September. I've also decided to take a LONG trip with my kids to California in October and to attend an all school reunion for TRONA high school. And follow that up with a few days at Disneyland and a trip to the beach! I ordered a rack for the hitch of my tahoe and the big 15 sq ft of space bag that can be used to go with it for use on this specific trip.

I've also taken my kids camping right alongside their Aund and Uncle and cousins. There are things I'm doing that I never thought I could have done all those months ago. Here I am doing them. I'm living them. I'm coming up with my new plans and goals. I'm drawing myself to Christ and to God, and rely on them for daily strength. Sometimes I am not sure how the heck I make it from one day to the next or even minute to minute, but somehow I am. And I know it's because of my faith.

I've taken a spontaneous overnight trip out of state and left my kids overnight by themselves ... I can still be a human and do things. Which is exactly what I want to do. I've met a lot of different people along this journey, and from some I have learned alot and pull tremendous strength from and others,.... they have weeded themselves out of my life. And that's okay to. I know that those who are supposed to be in my life will stick around and those that don't will go away. (I might have to force them to leave, but I'm not scared to say such a thing if needed)

I've had a few "learning experiences" in the dating scene that has awakened my sense of awareness that I know what is necessary and what isn't. It's easy for Satan's influence to take over if you let it. Luckily I've risen from those mistakes and am a better person because of it.

So many times I feel like I was short changed in this life experience. Because Chris isn't here to experience it with me. But his time was up and he isn't required to be here for the next phase of my life. But I realize that even though he's not here doesn't mean that he doesn't love me any less and that he doesn't love our children any less. This whole dang experience has made me grow in ways that would not have been possible with him still beside me. But I know that I NEED to keep living life and enjoying it. Because if I just sit in misery from here on out because I'm choosing to, then shame on me. And he won't be too happy with me because of it. I often times feel like my life has had the ultimate challenge, but you know what ... I'd gladly take this over my friends challenges. I think mine is worse but in many ways it's a piece of cake ... I have a friend serving time in prison for mistakes and this friend has lost their freedom. I still have my freedom. This friend misses out on their family, and I still have my family. I've read stories from other widows/widowers where financially things are so much worse for them. I am in a really great place financially for the time being. Some people have lost everything they had and have to start over from scratch.... I'm willingly giving up things I have just so I can start fresh. I have friends that have had to live with family because things haven't worked out for them to be independent when they want to be. I've experienced friends who have wanted to have children and have not been blessed with that opportunity, when I know deep down they would be absolutely wonderful parents. And I've had the opportunity to have six. I've been richly blessed. I have known people who are so physically ill they can't do anything and I may have a thyroid disease but I can still do things. I sometimes might pay for it for a few days but I can still do stuff. I have a friend who was paralyzed in high school and has been in a wheelchair and this friend inspires me everyday. They have lost the abiltiy to walk and run and typical things like that but they still move on. I have my mobility still.

Everywhere I look, I feel someone else has it worse than me! Yes, my house may look like 6 category F5 hurricanes may have run through here and FEMA hasn't shown up to clean up. So if you see my house as a wreck -- blame it on them. :)

Simply put I am one woman who loves my Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ and turn to them for my strength. I knew when this first happened that it was more than I could do alone. Yes, you'll see my eyes fill with tears and then run down my face, if your see me drive in my car I sometimes BAWL and let it out (sorry if you experience that sight). I am a solo parent here on Earth trying to raise my 6 beautiful, amazing, wonderful children that can also frustrate me to no end. I can't live with them but don't want to live without them until they finish high school. Trying to figure everything out alone is difficult but I've always been ambitious in getting things figured out and getting them done. Plans don't always go according to how I hope but the end result still happens. And that, my friends, is the biggest lesson I've learned to date. That even though I had a plan and wanted it to go a certain way, Heavenly Father had a different path for my life, but the end result is still the same. So as long as I'm still moving in the general direction as best as I can, I am enough with their help. I don't want to do this, but I can do this.

I've had to settle the waves of grief in all of my children and it breaks my heart that they are going through this too. We're not perfect - far from it, but I'm trying to do my best and just relying on mercy from my heavenly father to make up the difference where I have fallen short.

I've also been able to get back into getting physically fit again, I've come a long way but still not there just yet.

I feel cut off from friends that I had prior to Chris's death. I feel isolated sometimes. And I realized that being alone isn't good for me, I need people. So I make it a point to talk with other humans and get out of my house every day if I can. I want to be an influence for good in my life, just not sure how to go about that yet.

9 months out and several years in front of me. Things aren't going to be easy but I think I'm finally learning that they aren't meant to be. Only through our trials can we stretch and really grow and learn who it is that we're to be and become.

I don't know why this has been my trial, but I want to embrace it because I know it could be worse. And I don't need worse for me right now.

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