I want to fix this PROBLEM

I was just thinking tonight how I feel like having lost my husband feels like a problem that I need fixed. 

You know much like a problem where you forgot to pay your electricity or gas bill and you need to do something before those things get turned off.  Or where you missed putting gasoline in your car and you are almost out, or you forgot about an important meeting that's starts in 10 minutes but the location is 15 minutes away and you aren't dressed for it.   Or, the darn computer keeps giving you a headache because it operates so slow a snail is able to move faster.    Or you had a fight with your best friend and need to make amends. Or you hit someone's car and know you need to tell them but you can't quite get the nerve to do it.  

All these problems are fixable and sometimes unavoidable, but they all bring inside a person a similar feeling.  I keep feeling lately that there's a solution to this situation I'm in, that somehow I can rewind time and things will be just fine again, or that somehow I'm stuck in a horrific dream and can't quite wake up from it, or sometimes I feel like I missing that one thing I can do to FIX this problem.   

We didn't have any problems, well, at least not when he slipped away.   I'm rather fortunate that things are where they are.  He was preparing for THIS and didn't realize it and neither did I, until IT happened.  

I know that this isn't a fixable problem, at least not in the immediate future.  I'm adjusting to life as a sole parent on Earth and trying to do what a team of two did together, doing it solo now.   I'm finding a groove slowly, it's not easy, not fun (well maybe once in a while), but there are things that were so much better when he was here.  

I've lost pretty much any desire to cook (and I loved to do that before - my poor kids),  I've lost any desire to really "clean" anything or declutter or anything like that.  I've gained more of a desire to need to be with other people, it's weird I'm a people person, so I'm trying to make sure I'm mom when I need to be, but still trying to create who I am now without the man I've been with for the last 16+ years.  

Tears are still coming unannounced.  But really the timing is slightly predictable - during the night, on Sundays, when I'm reading things of spiritual natures, or when I just have silence and start to think about what has changed.  Trying to keep moving forward, but sometimes I don't know which way is really forward because I feel like I've been spinning out of control for the last 11 weeks almost and even longer if you count the month he was sick before he passed away.  I'm trying to find some firm footings somewhere to know where to go and what to do and right now I've got nothing except to find another home.  

It will be bitter sweet, no matter when it is but I know that the only good sleep I've had was when we had our furnace go out and we stayed in Santaquin with my father in law at his home.  The kids loved that and so did I.  

There isn't such thing as normal.  I used to think that there was, but really I keep thinking that everyone that I see could be gone later that same day or the next or in a week.  Life is seriously precious and really is giving me an indication that it's meant to be lived and not feared, but still there is some anxiety when I think that so and so could be next, or heck even myself.  (Of course, I hope not for a very long time). 

And that brings me to the phrase "If we endure it well". I've been learning what that really means the last two months and have gathered that it doesn't simply mean to sit around and not do anything but to really ENJOY and be HAPPY while I'm enduring.  I equate enduring to living.  Granted there is a time for pause while a grieving person is trying to get their feet on solid ground again and head out from the fog that encapsulates it during this time.   But when the dust settles and feet are firmly planted once again, it's time to get to work. 

Again if I haven't said it already I don't wish this on my worst enemy.  Losing someone really brings to light those things that are of worth and worth our time and those things that don't really matter.  I'm not really "living" right now I'm kind of just floating along and in a daze at that.  That's why I'm writing my thoughts down so that I'll remember them later, when I really need to fall back on it.  

And you might have thought we were crazy

So, when Chris and I met we were at school up at Ricks College (then, now it's called BYU Idaho) up in Rexburg, Idaho.   He had been home from his mission for just a few months, not sure exactly how many - it might have been closer to a year actually.   But, we were in the same student ward - which meant we were in the same church congregation.  

We were in this same ward since August when the school year and semester had started in 1997.  But we didn't really get to know each other until a few months later, like January 1998.  We were placed in the same Family Home Evening group and got to see each other every Monday, and quickly we started talking more and more. We would see each other on campus and stop and chat, I may have even missed a class or two just so I could talk with him.   When we met it was in the middle of winter in Rexburg and it was so cold.  So a lot of the time we would sit in his car and talk for hours just getting to know each other.  

A lot of the day to day details are now fuzzy, but one night for FHE he picked me up and threw me over his shoulder and then placed me in a snow bank and held me down for a room mate of mine to white wash my face (rubbing snow all over).  Crazy times.   We went out to Milhollow for frozen yogurt and had a few of my roomies with us, and we talked and visited and held hands under the table like we were trying to hide something like little kids.   It makes me laugh now!   My roomies that came left before we did, and we took our time and were holding hands on the way back.  And we stood out in front of my house that I lived in, under a tree and I thought to myself, that I wasn't kissing another boy unless it was the boy I was going to marry ( I had a kissed a handful or two while at college -- oops)  but we were standing there close to curfew time, facing each other, gazing in to each others eyes - and then we kissed.   Right after that - the lady that managed the place popped her head out and asked if I needed a late pass.  Oh my gosh!  I was almost embarrassed.   After that we said good night, and then life was never the same.  

We were pretty much inseparable after that.  That first kiss was March 16, 1998 - and within a few more weeks of that, we knew we were supposed to get married.  It was quick.  From the time we had our first kiss till we were married, it was 100 days.   Crazy fast yes.  People thought we were nuts.  And we may have been.   But when it's right, it's right.  In April of that year, I graduated with my associates in generals from Ricks College and my parents came up for that. Plus I turned 20 the same day I graduated, so we the four of us went out for lunch or dinner and spent some time together.  This was the first time my parents had met him in person, and they were leery of me and what I was thinking.  Apparently Chris had asked my dad if he could marry me and apparently my Dad couldn't say Yes, fast enough.  The story goes, that my Dad paid Chris to marry me so that he didn't have to take care of me financially anymore.  Haha...  That didn't really happen, it's just the joke.   

I went through the temple for my endowment in May about a month after my birthday and about a month before our wedding date.  In June we were married in the Mt. Timpanogos temple for Time and all Eternity.  And that was the best day of my life!  We felt the need not to wait to have children, so almost immediately we were expecting our first child.   And she was born 10 months after we were married.  We have had several of our kids a bit faster than most people, and though we planned for pretty much all of our children the timing in which they came was a little quicker than what we had planned.  Knowing now, what has happened, I'm glad we didn't hesitate!  As it is, we only got a little over 16 years together here on Earth.  Not nearly enough, and having to adjust my life without him in it every day has been hard, and I'm sure it will continue to be hard.  

So for those who thought we were crazy getting married so young, and only knowing each other for such a short time,  what happened two months ago is exactly why things happened so fast.  I'm so grateful for the time we had together, for the love of a man who was righteous and honored his priesthood.  For a man who was great with his children, and loved spending every minute he could with them.  Who would surprise me with flowers on days when I really needed it.  All these things I'm going to miss in the future, but luckily I have all these things as part of my past and my life with him.  

I never imagined loosing him so soon, and especially not while we still have young children.  I am praying that I can rise to this challenge now that is before me and honor him by doing the things that we had talked about, and the things that were important to us in teaching our kids.  I feel overwhelmed most days because I have a huge load to carry now.  And some days it feels unbearable.  But I know I have something to work harder for now, because I want to see my sweetheart again!  So you might have thought we were crazy - but you know what, I think we were just following God's plan for us.   

Tonight I want to SCREAM!!!

I didn't choose losing my husband at such a young age!  At least not to my current knowledge but I'm under the impression that I signed up for this.   I think I've always sensed this was going to be my lot in life.  

I think he sensed it too.  It was always jokingly, but I think he sensed it.  It's one of those things that when you take the time to look back over impressions and conversations that you see a pattern start to emerge.  Of course, in the midst of every day life you aren't looking for it, and many times it gets overlooked.  Now I don't say this to start making you try to see what might be lying in store in your future, because I'm not.  I'm just saying that for me, I think we both knew this was coming.  We didn't know it in the sense that we really planned for what to do if it did happen, but I think we both just knew.  

Often times he would jokingly (at least it came across as jokingly) that he was going to die when he was 45 (or some young age like that, just not 40) I kept telling him to "Shutup, and quit talking like that."   I of course, didn't want to face a situation of that magnitude because quite frankly it scared me.  Why it scared me, I can't quite explain, but it did.   Often times people are scared of the unknown, and the feelings that linger beneath the surface.  But as I sit back and think about the last several years I can't help but feel like I had moments where that thought would flash in my mind and I would push it aside.  I didn't want to pay attention to it.   Do you blame me?  I don't.  

It's been two months since my sweetheart has passed on, and I have cried so much since then than I thought was ever humanly possible.  I might actually start crying before this is over too, that's just how it works.  In these two months, we've celebrated Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years Eve/Day, our son's 10th birthday, and all of the other day to day stuff that happens.  We've painted our living room to give it a face lift.  I'm changing out furniture because I feel like it, not to mention it's old and needed to be replaced a long time ago.  I've had my furnace stop working over New Years Eve and it was out for a few days, so we stayed at my father in laws house.  It was really refreshing to stay somewhere else for a few nights.  I've had bills to pay, we've gone out to eat a few different times.   I'm now experience my first sickness without him here, and my three year old is sick too.  My kids have missed the bus a few times in the last two months, which has required me to drive them, and often sets back the rest of the morning.  (I'm not a natural morning person so this has been rough)  And what makes it more rough is when you have a difficult time getting to sleep at night.  All the memories creep in, all the thoughts of the good times, an the replaying of the weeks and days leading up to his eventual passing away.  

When he passed away I experienced an intense physical pain.  It wasn't just emotional but I had a physical pain too.  I was now separated from the love of my life, he was my prince charming, he was my man!  And now, he isn't with us physically anymore.  We were one, we were connected in our purpose and in our love for each other.  And now he was just ripped away from me without any warning.  Yes he was sick, but I had hope that he was going to get better.  That was not to be.  

I've learned a lot about myself, and it really isn't awe inspiring or anything but I know that my love for him runs really deep to the core of my being.  And his absence is heartbreaking for sure.  There have been many times and moments where having him here, would make everything not feel so bad but I don't get that now. We were and are a team.  If decisions needed to be made we usually made them together, so now that I've had to make decisions I'm my only sounding board unless I manage to bore someone else with my crazy thoughts.  Which sometimes they can be very off the wall crazy.   He was my stabilizing factor, the person that when things started to go not the way we had planned he'd talk me through it and help me understand and see how things weren't nearly as bad as I perceived them to be at first.

I found that I was relying more on him, then on my Savior Jesus Christ, and my Heavenly Father.  So since then I realized that I needed to change that within myself.  I need to lean on them for strength, peace and comfort.  I've gained a better knowledge of the love that they have for me, and just because they love me and I'm trying to do whats right doesn't mean I'm not going to experience trials and challenges.  And if you ask me - this particular challenge beats them all.   But at the same time, I look at my situation and feel that I'm in a rough spot right now but realize there are others that have it worse then what I'm going through really is.  And I'd rather have this trial then one that another person is struggling with that I think is way more unbearable.   But really, I've also discovered that through these low moments and the darkest of days, I have a source of light to turn to and seek comfort from.   Yes, it might not be tangible like sometimes I long for, but it puts me in a place that brings me closer to my Savior and that much closer to being with my sweetheart again. 

I keep having moments where it just all seems too hard, and too much for me to handle and deal with, which results in a break down of tears and lots of praying to God.  I also have moments where being the sole parent here on Earth is very overwhelming and my kids aren't very cooperative and I just want to SCREAM because it isn't fair!   It's a real feeling, I know, I have it multiple times a week and usually multiple times in a day.   It isn't fair, but it's what my life is now.  I don't wish this on my worst enemy. 

I don't know who I am without him right here beside me.  And that's what this next year is going to be about.  Creating who I am in a world where my sweetheart doesn't live anymore.  I miss him like crazy, and I would like nothing more than to see him once again.  But I know that isn't going to happen, hopefully for a long, long time.  We have six kids that need to be raised and I want to be a grandmother someday. 

I long for companionship, and maybe someday that will happen.  But for now, it's all about me.  Which feels weird too, but I'm reinventing myself, I have to.  If I'm going to survive this.  It's all I can do sometimes to just breath through minute by minute but eventually I know it will get easier, it just isn't that time right now.  

So if you hear a scream off in the distance please know that I'm doing my best, but right now it's feeling very overwhelming to me and not something I'm really enjoying either.   I sometimes just need a release, and sometimes multiple releases.  

My first Christmas Eve

Having fun by the tree.

Caleb, my nephew.

Heidi and Courtney

This is the first Christmas Eve that I am without my sweetheart.  We were invited to my sister in law Amy's house to have dinner with her family and visit and be together.  It was great that I didn't have to make dinner!   Really, who's going to turn down dinner when you don't have to make it?   (Usually not me!)  

I've had my older girls helping with wrapping presents this year, and I still have a few to do on my own that I don't want them to know about.  So I'll be up for a while. I'm hoping to get the kids to bed REALLY soon or at least in the back room since they all love to sleep in the same room on Christmas Eve.   Then I can wrap out here in the living room and watch a Christmas movie on Netflix while I'm slaving away all by my lonesome.  

I'm aware of the fact that I'm getting used to him not being here.  Not that I'm forgetting, but when someone isn't coming around anymore I think the mind starts to adjust and it gets easier to live without them.  Not better, just easier.   I still miss him like crazy and want for him to be with me so badly.  But I think I'm accepting the fact that he's gone and he isn't coming in the door any time soon. 

I was really angry this last weekend and mad.  I started lashing out at my kids, but knew that's not how I wanted to be.  I had a hard Saturday night with crying up to an hour and half before it was out of my system, but I picked up the next morning right where I left off.  I was crying all through church, and just felt alone.  I asked one of my dear friends and former home teacher for a priesthood blessing and the two of us along with his wife, and a neighbor of mine, Kawika Allen walked into an old Bishops office that isn't being used anymore and I had that blessing.  And it felt so good afterwards to just tell someone other than my walls about how I'm feeling almost on a daily basis.   It was some great therapy for me and I felt so much better after having done that.  (Did I mention I have a great friends and a great ward/neighborhood here)  

So back to tonight, I am determined to make Christmas joyous and happy for my kids and for myself.  I've always loved Christmas and I don't have any intentions of changing that.  

After having fun, talking, playing and visiting with family we came home via Kaylee driving!  (She's getting so much better I might add) and we watched The Nativity video on lds.org and then we opened the Christmas Eve gift.  Of course, there gift is always PJ's so some of the kids were super excited.  

Eternal Love

It's been nearly five weeks since our lives were changed forever. 

I have been noticing that a lot of my husbands things are actually falling apart.  His flash drives where all our financial stuff is at - luckily I just bought new ones to transfer everything to.  His shirts were needing to be replaced.  He had a pair of shoes that were causing his knees and back to hurt so we bought new shoes about the time he got sick.  My Dad is now the owner of those practically brand new shoes.  I couldn't just let them sit here and not benefit anyone right now.  

His toothbrushes needed to be replaced - so I tossed those within the first few days.

I took over using his big green bath sheet.
I took over his side of the bed because there is a lamp on that side.  
I took over driving his car, after all it does have great gas mileage. 
I took over his chair at the table.
I took over ... who knows what else.  
I took over hanging the outside Christmas lights.
I took over using his Sam's Club card, since my was misplaced the first week after he passed away.

At some point in the future I'll take over his side of the closet too.  

I need to take over doing the finances.  (I'd rather not, but I need to)
I need to take over giving the kids extra snuggles. 
I need to take over getting guidance from Heavenly Father regarding our family now.
I need to take over planning for my future, instead of the one that we had planned together.
I need to take over ... so many more things too. 
I need to take over training our teenage daughter how to drive.

I have taken up picking up the living room each night before bed. (not perfect, but it's getting there)
I have taken up kissing picture frames, or my kindle screen.  (not the same, but in my mind it helps)
I have taken up praying vocally every night in my room.  (no one else in there, so I'm not bothering anyone)
I have taken up crying in the car almost every time I'm alone. 
I have taken up feeling like I'm a burden to others if I need something done.  (luckily I don't need much)
I have taken up feeling very lonely.  (haven't found anything to alleviate that feeling yet and I probably won't for some time.)

I stopped buying his favorite treats, especially if they weren't mine also.  I'm just so glad that the last thing we shared was a bag of dark chocolate m&m's.  They will always hold a special place in my heart. 

Being kissed by the love of my life has stopped
Being told I'm beautiful has stopped. 
Being told multiple times a day that he loves me has stopped.
Being close to him and looking into his eyes has stopped. 
Being the receiver of his great gifts has stopped. 
Being his lover has stopped.  
Being two people in a marriage has stopped only because one of us has moved onto the next step in eternal progression. 
Asking him about our plans for the day/week/weekend has stopped. 
Asking him about what he thinks has stopped.
Asking him about our finances has stopped. 

All those things that I wish I could have had a little more clarification on has stopped. 
Being able to have him recall details that I forgot has stopped.
Having him at the computer or in the car listening to Dave Ramsey has stopped. 
Having him whistle his awesome whistle has stopped.  

But our love - our LOVE hasn't stopped.  
Our marriage - is still in place however he isn't physically here anymore.
My Testimony - it is still ALIVE and STRONG. 
My Love for God - hasn't stopped, in fact I think it's gotten stronger too.
My learning of the gospel - is still taking place.  
My Love for the TEMPLE - has increased. 
My Faith - has increased.
The Gospel of Jesus Christ is still TRUE!
I'm still seeking after good things. 
Being a Mother hasn't stopped. 
I can still listen to his voice tell me important things I need to know from an audio CD I have.
I can still read his words via a letter that her wrote to me that says he LOVES ME and wants me to be HAPPY and have a SMILE on my face. 
I am his WORLD!  And he was MINE!
Our Love - is ETERNAL.

See what I mean it's not really an end, but a temporary pause.  It feels like an end because we are mortal beings and its just the way we are programmed, but really it's just a little hiccup in life's journey.  I know that if Jesus Christ came to Earth and suffered ALL things for ALL mankind.  Why do I think that just because I'm doing good and trying to be good I shouldn't have hard times also.  Now, I haven't had a trial free life by any means, but I think the biggest and most challenging trial I've faced to date is that of losing my spouse.   I have to now take on the task that two people had set out to do together.  It's a bit of a daunting task, but I know that Heavenly Father is on my side and will help me through.  It's not going to be a walk in the park, but I know that our needs will be met, and that we'll be truly happy - one day.     I know that I do feel jipped that I didn't get 50 years with him here on earth, or that we didn't even make our 20th anniversary.  But, what's a few years whether it's 2, 10 or 50 years being away from him compared to ETERNITY. 

That boy and I are sealed together!  And that means just since he has passed on, that our marriage will continue in the next life.  I just need to keep myself worthy to make it where he already is.  I love looking at his photos, and remembering the stories behind them.   He was great at making me laugh, and great at telling me what I needed to hear even though I didn't want to hear it.   He was great at loving me unconditionally. He wanted me to be happy and he surely made me happy.   

A fairytale, or not a fairytale -- that is the question.

I just keep thinking how my life with Chris was almost like a fairytale.  And the fairytale has been interrupted for who knows how long.  

If it weren't for the photos and my own memories, it would feel like the last 16 years of my life were just a dream, and now real life begins.  I often remember when something would come into the lives of people that I cared about, it made my heart ache for them in that situation.  And when people would willingly choose to do something that wasn't quite smart, it hurt too.   I would often ask Chris, why I cared about people so much?  Because if I didn't care about them, it wouldn't hurt!   I don't remember exactly how he would respond but basically his message was that that's who I am, I am a person that cares deeply for others, and hurt when they hurt and mourn when they mourn.   And that this is how God wants us to be.  He wants us to care for others, and love them, and serve them, and when they are hurting for whatever reason we should be there with them, to help them carry that burden.  

I'm naturally someone who likes to get out and help others as much as possible, and right now, I'm finding it hard to want to do that, because I don't have the energy, I'm too tired, or I'm just trying to discover who I am now.  It's been over a month since my sweetheart was called back home, and it feels like forever!  (I know, I'll probably keep saying that over and over, but that's how it feels.) 

Trying to rebuild my life without him being right beside me is going to be challenging and hard.  This isn't something I asked for, nor did I want it.  At least not to my knowledge.  It feels like a huge prank gone bad, and really don't like it.  

I realize that there are things I will probably want to go and do, but I have no one to go and do them with, and I don't want to be a third wheel either.  So trying to deal with those emotions has been challenging too.  I don't know what to do half the time, and I'm just trying to get through one day at a time and sometimes like today it's getting through one minute, or hour at a time. 

People keep asking me what I need, and really what am I supposed to say to that?  Oh, my kitchen is falling apart STILL, and I can't seem to make meals EVER, my livingroom is picked up one minute and 10 minutes later it's a MESS.  My toilet is having issues, my bathroom wall is falling apart, I'm falling apart, I'm exhausted, but I have so many things to do but they still aren't getting done.  How about, I almost had a dream home - Can you go ahead and make that magically happen?   I miss having a my man's arms holding me tight, what can you do about that, where I'm not going to feel awkward?   I'm lonely, and want to be around people and I have absolutely nothing to do, but everyone else is busy.  My husband is gone, can you bring him back?     Yes, see it's almost impossible to answer that question, because I will probably try and push it aside as if everything is okay when in fact and in reality everything is not okay.   

I constantly look at him in our family photo from a few years ago and just stare at him.  And I feel that in this case staring isn't bad.  I keep trying to remember what exactly it felt like to have him hold me tight, and it's starting to fade from my mind.  And that makes me sad.  I don't know how to feel about looking at all of his things everywhere.   I like them there, but I don't.  (See what I mean, you can't really define anything)  

My sons are great for giving me hugs, and my nearly 10 year old son is getting so big that his strong arms are starting to feel like a great substitute for his father.   I made him promise me that he would give me a hug WHENEVER I needed one and he said, Of course Mom!   And I told him that I'd give him one whenever he needed one.    

It's almost crazy how life can be redefined in a matter of minutes when the makeup of a family changes.  Whether it's through divorce or death.   I'm not comparing the two just the fact that life gets shaken up.  I'm trying to find what my purpose is now, when for so many years I was focusing on making our marriage stronger (with the exception of when I got a little sidetracked).  Now that I don't have our marriage to work on really -- what do I do now?    

I hate feeling alone, and I don't want to feel like I have to contact others, it would be so much easier if others could just drop in realizing that my place may look like a trash hole, which is embarrassing but sometimes instead of doing some kind of chore maybe I just need someone to come by that I feel really is concerned.  Sometimes it's just a shoulder to cry on that I need.  Someone there to help me feel like I'm not alone, even though I know that I'm not, but really it feels like it when all the tears come when I'm by myself.  

I feel like no one is really going to understand because if you haven't been through this (the loss of a spouse) you aren't really going to know a portion of what it feels like.  My heart still aches every day for the loss I have gone through and am still dealing with and trying to process.  I have an underlying feeling of sadness and loneliness ALL THE TIME.    It's apparently part of the process of grieving, and I still stand by the fact that my spirit is roaring like a lion but my heart and body aren't quite there yet.  

I find writing all my thoughts down right now, are the only way I can "Talk" about what I'm feeling because my other half isn't here with me to really tell it to.  I wish he was, oh how I wish he was!  

"Dear God, was that really necessary?"

So,  I had a friend that passed away a year ago today.   He was in our ward along with his wife for a short time, and he was assigned to be our home teacher.  He was great with the kids, and they all loved him, we all did.  He was faithful in coming, and his smile was so contagious.   He had a big heart and was kind to everyone that I saw him interact with.   However, they had moved out before he had passed away, and they were expecting their first child.  It was a very touching story, and my heart ached, and I cried, and cried because I felt so sad for her, and what her life was now going to be like.  Little did I realize then what my own life would be like less than one year later. 

Well, I too am now taking the journey his sweet wife has been on for a year now.  I often looked to her for a source of strength while she was going through this, and though how amazing she was.   Well, I just sent her a message and realized it expressed a lot of my personal feelings that I wanted to preserve on my blog as well.  

"Oh Erica, my heart is hurting for you all over again! It's been 1 month today that my husband passed away and it feels like a lifetime or two. I can hardly see myself in a year ... I have similar feelings of guilt at least right at first because I kept thinking I should have taken my husband to the hospital sooner and I should have done this differently. And then I thought his family wouldn't like me anymore and would blame me for this ... and all of that I know isn't true, but as a human those were thoughts that I had coming from my brain.

Most days I feel like blah, and other days I feel like more blah... but I look back on just the few weeks that have passed and realize that I'm not the same I was a month ago. I miss my husband as much as I'm sure you miss yours, and I hate that anyone has to suffer this way too. I find myself crying in the car most of the time or late at night. And the only words I ever seem to get muttered are "I miss you like crazy , (or so much) and I love you, I need you." IN some order those get muttered and that's about it. This ache is deep and hurts like nothing I've ever felt before.

I know that I had a little bit more time with Chris than you were able to have with Josh, but when it's love, it's love and feels like they were taken way too soon.

I'm having a rough time trying to figure out who I'm supposed to be now. For so long it was the "two of us" and what our dreams were, and our plans, and now all of those have come crashing to the ground. So now I have to set out to try and find out who I am without the love of my life right beside me, but really I am clueless on where to even begin to look.

I was washing dishes the other night and was set off in a bout of crying because I realized that he wasn't coming through the kitchen door anytime soon to come up behind me and put his arms around my waist and kiss my neck and talk with me. It's crazy how simple little things or tasks or words will bring a flood of emotion to the surface.

Sorry this got a little wordy, I should just transfer this to my blog now that I'm thinking about it. But I just want you to know that I was thinking about you today, and my act of service was going to visit with Chris' father who lost his wife just three months before Chris passed away. And that brightened his day to have us go down to Santaquin to visit. - Just thought I'd let you know. I know we didn't know each other well before you moved out, but I love you as much as I loved having Josh as our home teacher! If I can help you out with anything or you need someone to talk with that might be able to relate a little better please just call, or stop by .

Hugs to you on a very difficult day. "

I did have a few great days in a row, and then yesterday (Friday December 12) I had a rough day again. The tears just don't seem to end, like ever!  But I'm guessing this will be the ride I'm in for, for the next little while.   I've been relieved regarding our financial situation now that our provider isn't physically able to, but really he still is, because he was such a hard worker and paid into a system that will now pay us back.  I hate that it comes to this, but I'm so grateful to know that this resource is available.   

I was talking with my sister in law Shantil today, and I was saying how before his passing, my life was always full of ways to strengthen our marriage.  And all the dreams and plans we had centered around "US".  Now that half of "US" is gone, there isn't a marriage to be strengthened right now, and there isn't an "US" in that sense anymore.   So I'm having a hard time trying to know what direction I go in, what it is that needs to happen.  I surely hope that I'm going to get the personal revelations regarding my family now, since my resident priesthood holder isn't on the premises in an earthly sense anymore.  

This isn't a job meant for one person, and I often want to repeat the lines from "Fiddler on the Roof" when Tevye says this, " Dear God, Was that really necessary?"   

So right now, I've got nothing, except trying to make it through each day.  I know the tears are good, and I need to work through this grief, but man oh man ... I keep wondering who got the short end of the stick?  I feel like he might have it a bit better right now, and I feel it's totally not fair to have to raise our children alone.  I feel I'm not going to do as good of a job teaching them everything they need to learn and know and that scares me a bit.  (Okay who am I kidding, it scares me A LOT!)

Longest three weeks of my life so far ...

You know, I've learned a lot in just the last three + longest weeks of my life. 

Mostly about the atonement. As a younger person I didn't really understand what the atonement was really all about.  I had the idea that it was just for those that had done something wrong and that was it.  But now, NOW I realize it is so much more than that.  And it's the perfect thing in place for me to lighten the burden that I'm now left with.  And the other day before I went to the temple that realization of what it really was hit me, and so before the temple visit I handed that over to the Lord.  I feel at peace and I feel calm, even though things are really chaotic and crazy.  There are several unknowns in my future, but I feel that with Faith I can move forward and know that things will be okay.   This of course, doesn't take away the pain and hurt I feel in losing Chris, but at least it gives me something to look forward to.  

 I'm realizing now, that I was probably at the peak of my personal and spiritual growth with him here, and that for me to complete my learning and growing he had to go ahead of me. I realize how easy he made life for the kids and I.  He was pretty much perfect with a few bouts of obnoxiousness in there.  

Ben (Chris's brother) and Shantil and there family came by last night and were visiting for a while, and before Ben left I asked him for another priesthood blessing, because I have been having a few rough days where the emotions have been so close to the surface.  And the intense loneliness that I was feeling was so much to feel at once.  So in the blessing, I was assured of the Love my Heavenly Father has for me, and that he is still watchful over our family.   And towards the end of the blessing, it was said, "Your husband is still watching over you, and he is thinking of YOU all the time." 

That was something I had been worried with, if he was even thinking of me, and if he had just forgotten me and the kids.  And that just helped alleviate that concern.  He is so dearly missed, and I feel the ache pretty much every day.  And sometimes still can't believe that this is my life now.  It feels weird to try and move forward, and the idea of being truly happy and feeling joy in the future is hard to grasp.  Chris was the best part of my life, and my greatest blessing and now that he's not physically with me anymore I feel a huge whole in my heart and a deep ache in my body. 

Really quick though ... the other night I was having a rough moment and I was bawling and wailing and the kids were all in bed, and I just wasn't feeling so great about this situation at all, and after what seemed like a long time, I had this simple little thought to go and listen to his talk that he gave at his mom's funeral three months ago.   So I went to the computer and put in the audio CD and found the track that was his.  I can't tell you how soothing hearing his voice was to my soul.  I also had his stick of deodorant and kept taking whiffs and I was looking at a photo of him all at the same time and it brought me a lot of peace right then.  I know sounds silly.  But the part that really struck me in listening to the talk, the words he spoke were in regards to his mother, but it was like he was talking to me specifically and telling me answers to questions that I had been asking for the last several days and weeks since his passing.  So he was talking to me, in his voice and answering questions that I was having and it was amazing how calm I felt by the end of his talk.  He was and is a very wise man, and he was so great at comforting me when I really needed it.  And right now, I just wish he was here to bring me that comfort that I so deeply need.    

Anyway, sorry for the rant, I'm just in what I'm calling widow fog and whatever seems to come to mind seems to find it's way out of my mouth or typed onto the screen. 

We have church in a few hours (1pm) so I should probably make sure my kids start the long line of showers and baths to get everyone ready in time.  

And on a happier note, we'll be heading up to Temple Square tomorrow night (Monday) with Ben and Shantil and their kids to check out the lights.   I'm kind of excited for it.  I'm so glad that they had mentioned they were going to do it and offered the invitation for us to join them.   Because taking the kids anywhere and by myself isn't really desired or fun. So I'm glad we have someone else to go with.  

Not sure how today will turn out, since it's the first Fast Sunday since his passing.  I know the spirit will be strong and my heartache will be there too.  I might need to pack along extra tissues today.

A dumb little squeal....and several hours later.

I can't believe it's Friday already, and it's the end of February.

Yesterday, I had an appointment to take my Van in to have a squeal checked out.
The appointment was at 10am and that wasn't a problem to get to. I had my two boys with me, and Thomas was already in his school clothes so we could take him right to school if the van took that long.

Well after arriving at 10am they pulled our car back within a few minutes and by 20 after 10, they came in and let me know what the problem was. (ENTER SHOCKED LOOK) We needed to have the serpentine belt replaced and the pulleys that it sits on, and the tensioners.... and all these parts plus labor were estimated to be around $310.00 to fix. After contacting Chris on the phone to double check if we could go forward and fix this now, he said yes, and the work was under way.

I asked the office guy how long it would probably take, and was told it'd be about an hour and half. No problem. It should be done around noon .. I'll just take the boys over to Carls Jr. across the street and get lunch and let them play.

So off we went to Carl's Jr, to get some lunch. We ate, we played, we got tired and we were there for an hour and half waiting for the call that our van was done. We never got the call, so I told the boys it was time to go and check on the van. So now it's 12:30 and Thomas is now 15 minutes late for Kindergarten, and he's begging to go to school.

I get back to the car shop and find out that they discovered another problem on the same system that needed to be replaced as well. This was going to be an additional $65.00. And with a car that has as many miles as ours and it had never been replaced yet, it was no doubt time for a whole new system.

They didn't have the part right away so they had to order one, and wait for it to be delivered. No telling how long that would have taken. But unfortunately I was waiting in the office when it arrived and it took about a half hour.

But before the part arrived I tried calling my sister in law for a ride but she had all her van seats out and had them replaced by a car load of things she had to take somewhere. So no luck getting all of us in one trip, so I said never-mind, and tried to think of something else I could do. I didn't have anyone's phone numbers on me and didn't have access to a phone book... because lets face it, cell phone numbers aren't listed in there anyway.

The guy had offered to take us, but I declined that option. So the boys and I decided to walk to Amy's house (the sister in law that I called) who lived about a 20 minute walk away. That was after I was told the van would be another hour or more to finish up. So scrap that, I wasn't waiting around anymore. The boys were good sports, and we walked the block where the back of the hospital is, and got to see the helicopter up close. They really liked that.

We were starting to get COLD, so we went into the building and cut our way across to the front side of the block so we didn't have to spend so much time outside. IT really helped. We got nice and warm and then only had to walk outside about as much time as we had already spent walking before we entered the building.

When I got to her house, she was kind enough to let me borrow her van that was loaded down with things other than seats, and drive my son to school. I left Ethan with her while I took Thomas. And Ethan was more then okay with that, seeing how he was getting to play with his cousin Isabella.

Thomas was really nervous about going so late, but luckily he didn't throw a major fit like some of my other kids might have. He was excused on his Tardy, because we had no way to get there before that. Oops. So he was an hour and 15 minutes or so late for school, and he only goes for a few hours a day as it is.

I went back to Amy's house, and stayed there for a while, because what else would I have done....walked back to the car shop and wait? No thank you. So we got to visit for a little while as I waited for the phone call that my car was done.

Then Dan,her brother and my brother in law, showed up to drop something off, and we chatted with him for a few minutes, and before he left my phone started ringing. I was getting hopeful at this point!! And then Dan went out the door to leave while I was on the phone, as the car shop was telling me the car was good to go.

I got off the phone and let Amy know, and said -- I wonder if I can hitch a ride with Dan!! I ran out the door and he was opening his car door, and I asked if he wouldn't mind giving me a ride to where my car was so I wouldn't have to walk again. I left Ethan with Amy, and didn't even get a chance to tell him I was leaving. Oh well.

So now the time is a little after 2pm and I am back at the shop.

Pay for the repairs, get the car and yes.. the noise was completely gone!! Yeah, it worked.

Needless to say I left home a little before 10 am and didn't return home until after I picked up the kids from school a little after 3ish, and was home by 3:30.

A long day. But I can't complain, because I felt well and not sick (because I was sick with a cold a few weeks earlier) and the boys were good sports. However, I was extremely tired by the time I got home, but couldn't go to sleep just yet, I still had one daughter at the school for an after school activity.


PS>>> I am considering myself extremely blessed that I was able to drive my car to the shop rather than having it break down somewhere and having to pay for a tow as well. Because the problems with our car, if we didn't get them repaired, the belt could have snapped off, the pulleys could have popped off, and then the car would just stop moving wherever it was at. That wouldn't have been any good at all. So even though it was a stressful day for me, it could have been worse, and I'm thankful that it wasn't.

The first of many stories of why I won't make Mother of the Year in 2011....

I think today should go down in the books as recognition as to why I will NOT be making mother of the year this year. See I only made it through January before I lost out, this is so not fair!!

So what did I do?? Well, it was great mostly, I ran to the store earlier to pick a few things up needed to help make our dinner of which I was making extra for my sister in law Amy and her family.

I had the chicken started in the crock pot, so it was done by early afternoon. That was fine. I got my kids to school on time this morning, no problem there.

So I made up three pans of chicken enchiladas one of which was going to my sister in laws family. It took a while to assemble all three pans and get it all ready. I covered all three pans with foil. Still going good.

Gathered the few things that I needed to take with me to drop off at Amy's house for their dinner, and then grabbed Ethan and we left. Got to Amy's house, see that my in laws are there, which happen to be her parents. And they answered the door and Grandpa was holding the baby who is sick. And Amy was up taking a nap. That's fine, she was tired and needed some extra sleep.

So I lay the food on the the counter. And I say bye and leave.

**** Okay, here's where it starts *****

I drive to the school which isn't too far away, but not a straight shot because of a river that I have to drive over. I get to the school and no sign of my kids outside. I think okay. They must be in the gym because that's where they normally meet me at when we have practice. But today I had to take the girls home because they had achievement days. When I discovered that they weren't in the gym waiting for me, I then walk all over the building. No signs of them anywhere. I go to the front desk and have the kids paged to the front. I waited. and waited. Still no kids.

Now this whole time I'm running around I left my sleeping 3 year old in the car in the parking lot. I spent 20 minutes in the school looking for this crazy kids of mine. And then ... the thought hit me!!!

Maybe they are at Amy's house. Since that's where they normally walk to if we don't have practice to go to. So I run to the van jump in, start the car, drive around the blocks to get to her house. Knock on the door and VOILA... my son is answering her door! Relief swept over my body, my kids were all complaining, " What took you so long?" and stuff like, " FINALLY MOM!"

So the time was 3:45 and the girls had achievement days (a program in our church for girls that are 8 - 11 years old) at 4pm. So we had a few minutes to spare. I get home drop of the girls and then Thomas starts complaining because he didn't want to go back to the school for practice. Of which I've missed a lot of today. (Oops-- luckily the other coach was there and taking over)

I run over to my neighbors house and ask if he would hang with the boys for a little while. Ethan was asleep and so we laid him on the bed and covered him up. He went right back to sleep. And Thomas would come over in a few after he changed. So thanks to my neighbor I felt like I had control over the afternoon again.

Definitely not an hour I want to repeat anytime soon. So I must have just missed my kids walking to their aunt's house but I didn't think to look that way, and went the other way instead.

So note to self. ALWAYS CHECK FOR MY KIDS WALKING BEFORE I ASSUME THEY ARE STILL WAITING AT THE SCHOOL.

The kids then had the nerve to tell their dad that I MADE them walk in this COLD weather. Geesh.... I need to go to bed!! But I won't get there for a little longer.

Lessons on Service and a "near Death" experience.

**Okay so not so much a Near Death experience, but definitely a learning experience.

I have to say I think I'm trying to make a better resolve this year to make a note about each day. I find it incredibly hard to keep track of this in a journal as I used to with the traditional pen and paper. But using this blog as my way of keeping a record of the journey's, big and small, that we go on is so much easier.

We had the opportunity tonight to help clean the building we attend church at. My thoughts of this at first, when my husband said he had signed us up, were "are you crazy... the kids aren't going to want to do this, and they'll just whine and blah blah blah...."

But I do have to give him credit, he picked a great night, because not only did we sign up but, at least 3-4 other families were there as well to help clean the building. And my kids were all EXCITED for this opportunity. As we've only done this one other time back in the summer, they were ready to take a turn again.
And someone or some company had come in and shampooed the carpets so that eliminated the need for all the vacuuming to be done. SU-WEET!

So it worked out rather nicely to have this be our family night doing service at the church building.

Bonus: we were back at home in time to get the first phase of kids into bed, but it was meant with much resistance. I on the other hand, and finding myself ready to crash by 8pm myself, and wish I could. Because then I wouldn't find myself
catching that second wind that will cause me to stay awake really late. And then have problems functioning on the marrow.

I'm glad that we can find some opportunities in life to help teach our kids about service. About doing something for nothing in return, except the feeling one gets when you do something good. It's amazing how FUN, they think it is when it doesn't involve doing there own chores in our home. While that will probably be an ongoing teaching moment till they leave our home, I'm glad that I can have small moments like this to teach them other important necessities.


And on a side note: we left Heidi here at home while we were two blocks away because she didn't want to go, and she had homework she needed to finish. So we allowed her to stay, and she asked if she could play our "nintendo" system (the old school version). I said as long as her homework was done. Well we came home and she was BAWLING like a baby, because the TV had fallen of the entertainment system when she was trying to turn the TV slightly to plug in the cards in the back of the TV, only the TV somehow got moved to far, and she was inexperienced in doing this, and the TV was screen down on the floor.

I was worried about her, but she ended up being fine, and I think all the crying was because she almost broke the TV. I think, that she thought, she really did brake the TV. But it all still works, so it looks as if we'll still be a while longer before we acquire a nice flat screen that can be mounted onto a wall.

But at least she wasn't hurt. But the look in her eyes and the tears rolling down her cheeks really made me sad for her. So, lesson learned on my part, that either she doesn't stay by herself anymore, or I plug in the machine before I leave. And we need to teach her how to call her Dad's cell phone.

What a Monday.
So tell me what did you do for your Family Night??

I love Ethan.... (the others too)

So lately Ethan has been going to nursery (his class he goes to at church on Sundays it's for those kids who are 18 months - 3 years old).  It's been great, he doesn't cry or scream or throw a fit anymore when it's time to go.  He loves it! And I love that he loves it!!  They have someone come in and do singing time with these adorable little kids, and just recently they had a picture with a face.  You hold it one way it's a sad face, and the other is happy.

Well there is also a song that goes with this particular picture.  It's so cute to hear him sing it, and refer to this song as "my song".  And that he can't sing it unless he is holding his picture.  Here are the words:

If you chance to meet a frown, 
do not let it stay.  
Quickly turn it upside down and smile that frown away. 


No one likes a frowning face, 
change it for a smile. 
Make the world a better place by smiling all the while.

It is such a simple little song with a cute little tune, but is packed with probably the greatest lesson for most human beings to learn.  And now I find myself reminded of this song from when I was in Primary (the class for the kids ages 4 - 11,   in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints ).  When I'm finding myself getting upset and frustrated those words are popping into my head ALL the time now.  And it's getting easier to ignore  LISTEN to them and change my attitude.  You know they always say you learn things from your kids and lately that is exactly what's been happening in my house.  Thank You Ethan for teaching REMINDING me of something I learned a long time ago.

I also can't get over how cute he sounds with his cute little boy voice, and the amazing smile that is plastered on his face when he sings this happy little song.

Here's a link to the song if you want to take a listen.

Here I go again... bawling like a baby...

Okay, now that I'm completely bawling like a baby, I need to just put some thoughts down, before the moment passes.

Why? Well, I just started following a blog the other day that I was made aware of through another friend. A sad sad, tale they have been living the last few days, has ended tragically.

I don't know these people, but my heart is aching and grieving with them right now. Why?? Because they are suffering the loss of their little 18 month old baby girl. It's amazing how the time we have here on earth can be completely changed by one little event. It's amazing how a little girl has been able to touch so many lives in such a short amount of time.

The parents have (or at least to me) seemed to set such a great example of faith and love that I can only wish to attain in this lifetime.  And one of relying on the Lord, and thanking and looking to him in such hard times.  They are definitely grounded in the Gospel of Jesus Christ!!  They know who they are... and sometimes I'm still wondering ... sad, but true. 
I can't imagine the pain and heartache it is to lose a child, let alone at such a young age. It seriously makes me want to stop sweating the small stuff, and just really get down to the nuts and bolts of life.

You know making sure the important things that keep everything else running smoothly and relationships staying vibrant and healthy are in place.

A serious reminder to take time to appreciate my children and make sure that they know I love them. To let my friends know that I care, and love them. To make sure family members know how I really feel.

To make sure that I'm seriously living my life the best I can so that when I am out of time, that I am looked upon as a good person. So that when others remember me... they think of positiveness and love. Something I'm not always so great at.

Remember to cherish your family!! You don't want to live with regrets.

http://patrickandashley.blogspot.com/

Life is Precious...

Pulled from the archives: Originally posted May 2nd, 2009 just three days before Grandpa passed away.

(I've updated this with new updates on his condition added in purple)

My thoughts today are with my Grandpa Hill.

Family Reunion in Idaho June of 2002.

My Grandpa with all of his children that were still living. June 2002

L-R Grandpa, Aunt Kathy, My Dad, Uncle Randy, Aunt Rose, and in the back Uncle Don.



As much of the family that was there: June 2002


This was taken at my brother David's wedding June of 2005

He's in the hospital and my cousin Angie has this as her status. Saturday May 2nd, 2009

"Grandpa still critical.. He has a very low blood pressure. Last night when I was there it was around 66/36 and high toxicity level. His kidneys and liver are failing.They got the bleeding in his esophagus to stop. He got 10 units of blood yesterday. Please pray hard. Family: If you want to get a message to grandpa send it to me and I will print it and take it and read it to grandpa. All grandpa's kids are now here"

ADDED LATER: And here is an email

I just got this from my Aunt Rose:
"Dad was rushed to the hospital at 3am friday morning coughing up lots and lots of blood, he had spewed out half of his body's blood and the replaced it with 6 units of blood. When they found the problem and fixed it (a vein in his esophgus had ruptured. Dr. has told us it is related to his diabetes and damage that it has done to his liver. They had given him a 30 percent chance of surviving this episode. Late last night they informed us that his kidneys and liver are not working and have shut down, If they dont start to function soon the acids that accumulate when these things are not working will build up in is stomach and will reach a point where it is irreversible and nothing they can do to help him. We are now in a wait and see if they start working. So please pray for my dad that God does what is best for him. Love Rose "

Update from Angie's facebook 7:41pm May 2nd, 2009 "Well just got update and they are going to try and do a round of dialysis to see if they can get the toxicity level down on my grandpa. If it works they will line up a second round. If not, then grandpa will be on his way to the lord. Thank you everybody for your thoughts and prayers. They are still very much needed. Will keep you updated as I can on here."

Update from Angie's facebook about 9:50 am May 4th, 2009 " This mornings Grandpa's update is that his kidney's and liver still haven't kicked in. I don't know much more than that. They are limiting his visitors so that he can get some rest. My cousin Chris's wife is at the same hospital. Her appendix bursted and she had to have surgery. Looks like she is doing good. I will go see her later today. Will keep you updated when I can. "

Update from Angie's facebook 10:59 am May 3rd, 2009 " Ok, so far so good with grandpa. His body took to the dialysis good. He was able to maintain his blood pressure. His toxicity levels are down to almost a normal level. However, his liver and kidney's haven't kicked in yet. Still need to get his heart rate lower. His blood pressure is looking better now. Will keep you posted when I get back from the hospital later... Thanks for your thoughts and prayers everyone!

Latest Update from Angie on Facebook 11:09 pm May 4th, 2009 "Wish I could come to you with good news but none to tell of. Grandpa is going to start a 24 hours round of dialysis as a last ditch effort. If it don't work then I think it is safe to say I think they will take him off life support. I hit my moment to break tonight. Grandpa wasn't really there.

(Added after original post: ) Date: Mon, 4 May 2009 15:41:15 -0700
Dad (marty) is about the same at this point. They will start a second round of dialysis tonight sometime. his heart rate is down to 115 it was up as high as 155. his blood pressure is now up to 120/80. it was 64/40. his acid levels came down from the first round of dialysis, but are now rising again. He now has a normal temperature. His is very critical and chances for survival are low. We have a small hope that the dialysis will help his kidneys and liver start working again. When things change i will send out an update. Will all of you please spread the update to all whose e-mail i dont have. Maybe Dean you can post on family site for us. Please pray for him.
Love Rosie

So after reading this, and hearing updates occasionally from my mother, things aren't looking good and I feel like it's just a waiting game until he passes on. I'm praying that he isn't suffering very much and that as he passes it's not painful. But I stop to think about what a sweet reunion might take place if he does. You see my grandmother (his wife) has been dead for nearly 21 years. Even though my grandfather was remarried, he really loved my grandma A LOT. He was sealed to hear in the Salt Lake Temple and have their children sealed to them as well. But he basically stopped going to church, and was inactive even before my grandma died. But I'm hoping that through the Atonement all things might be made right... but I don't know, because I don't know how things like this work. What I do know, is that there is a God, our Heavenly Father who loves us and wants us to be happy. I say Happy, but that doesn't mean that we won't face trials, and challenges. After all we do have our agency to chose, what we'll do, but if we can pray and be able to know the will of our Father, and do what he wants we can all find happiness. I don't want to sound grimm, but I decided to write my Grandpa a letter, long as it might be, but just in case he does die, I wanted to let him know the following:

Hey Grandpa, May 2, 2009

I’m so glad that I’ve had the chance to grow up most of my life and have you be a part of it. You always made my day brighter when I would see you. And ever since I’ve been married, the chances that I’ve gotten to see you are even more cherished. I remember the attempts at trying to take pictures and the kids wouldn’t cooperate, and they were struggling and screaming and trying to get “out of there”. But there you and Maria sat with large smiles on your faces, and looks in your eyes with nothing but love for us.

I haven’t had the opportunity to get to see you as often as I hoped, but at least you were there for the important times. At my reception when I was married, and all the goofy –ness that you always seem to carry with you everywhere. And I got to see
you last November when Victoria was married. The funny thing being that I
didn’t even recognize you, I thought you were your brother, because you
looked a lot skinnier than I remembered.

My sister's wedding November 2008, Ridgecrest, California.

My husband, Chris, was the one that had to point you out and say that you were my Grandpa. Duh, you were sitting with Maria, so you’d think that I’d have put one and one together and knew that. So I’m glad I have that fun memory. I also remember when my husband’s brother got married back in Sept 2001, and we got to see you then. You were missing a few of your front teeth, and I commented on it. And you said, that Maria socked you a good one and just knocked them right out. You always could tell a great story with lots of embellishments. I always enjoy getting hugs from you; it always helped me to feel loved. Thanks for everything you’ve always done for me.

Know that we are praying for you, and that your in God’s hands and we (my family) will go on and remember the great example you are. You have taught me through my father about working hard, and being a respectable person, and that there are times for play when work is done. You have a great capacity for love, and everyone enjoys being around you.

I’m sorry to hear that things aren’t going so well for you and can only hope that you aren’t suffering a lot of pain. I just really want to let you know that I know that God lives, and loves all of us, and even you.

And in case things don’t miraculously go in a different direction, I’ll feel better knowing that I let you know how much I LOVE YOU, and how much you mean to me. My kids have all had the chance of meeting you, and that is awesome that they still have a great great grandpa alive that they were able to meet.

I’m praying for you, and know that you’re in God’s hands and whatever the outcome, know that I’ve always loved you and will talk about you to my kids all their lives so that they know what a great person you are. Sorry for the length, but I’m taking Angie up on her offer and don’t want to take the opportunity for granted.

I love you Grandpa!!! ------

Love always your granddaughter Wendy

My Reception June 1998.