Eternal Love

It's been nearly five weeks since our lives were changed forever. 

I have been noticing that a lot of my husbands things are actually falling apart.  His flash drives where all our financial stuff is at - luckily I just bought new ones to transfer everything to.  His shirts were needing to be replaced.  He had a pair of shoes that were causing his knees and back to hurt so we bought new shoes about the time he got sick.  My Dad is now the owner of those practically brand new shoes.  I couldn't just let them sit here and not benefit anyone right now.  

His toothbrushes needed to be replaced - so I tossed those within the first few days.

I took over using his big green bath sheet.
I took over his side of the bed because there is a lamp on that side.  
I took over driving his car, after all it does have great gas mileage. 
I took over his chair at the table.
I took over ... who knows what else.  
I took over hanging the outside Christmas lights.
I took over using his Sam's Club card, since my was misplaced the first week after he passed away.

At some point in the future I'll take over his side of the closet too.  

I need to take over doing the finances.  (I'd rather not, but I need to)
I need to take over giving the kids extra snuggles. 
I need to take over getting guidance from Heavenly Father regarding our family now.
I need to take over planning for my future, instead of the one that we had planned together.
I need to take over ... so many more things too. 
I need to take over training our teenage daughter how to drive.

I have taken up picking up the living room each night before bed. (not perfect, but it's getting there)
I have taken up kissing picture frames, or my kindle screen.  (not the same, but in my mind it helps)
I have taken up praying vocally every night in my room.  (no one else in there, so I'm not bothering anyone)
I have taken up crying in the car almost every time I'm alone. 
I have taken up feeling like I'm a burden to others if I need something done.  (luckily I don't need much)
I have taken up feeling very lonely.  (haven't found anything to alleviate that feeling yet and I probably won't for some time.)

I stopped buying his favorite treats, especially if they weren't mine also.  I'm just so glad that the last thing we shared was a bag of dark chocolate m&m's.  They will always hold a special place in my heart. 

Being kissed by the love of my life has stopped
Being told I'm beautiful has stopped. 
Being told multiple times a day that he loves me has stopped.
Being close to him and looking into his eyes has stopped. 
Being the receiver of his great gifts has stopped. 
Being his lover has stopped.  
Being two people in a marriage has stopped only because one of us has moved onto the next step in eternal progression. 
Asking him about our plans for the day/week/weekend has stopped. 
Asking him about what he thinks has stopped.
Asking him about our finances has stopped. 

All those things that I wish I could have had a little more clarification on has stopped. 
Being able to have him recall details that I forgot has stopped.
Having him at the computer or in the car listening to Dave Ramsey has stopped. 
Having him whistle his awesome whistle has stopped.  

But our love - our LOVE hasn't stopped.  
Our marriage - is still in place however he isn't physically here anymore.
My Testimony - it is still ALIVE and STRONG. 
My Love for God - hasn't stopped, in fact I think it's gotten stronger too.
My learning of the gospel - is still taking place.  
My Love for the TEMPLE - has increased. 
My Faith - has increased.
The Gospel of Jesus Christ is still TRUE!
I'm still seeking after good things. 
Being a Mother hasn't stopped. 
I can still listen to his voice tell me important things I need to know from an audio CD I have.
I can still read his words via a letter that her wrote to me that says he LOVES ME and wants me to be HAPPY and have a SMILE on my face. 
I am his WORLD!  And he was MINE!
Our Love - is ETERNAL.

See what I mean it's not really an end, but a temporary pause.  It feels like an end because we are mortal beings and its just the way we are programmed, but really it's just a little hiccup in life's journey.  I know that if Jesus Christ came to Earth and suffered ALL things for ALL mankind.  Why do I think that just because I'm doing good and trying to be good I shouldn't have hard times also.  Now, I haven't had a trial free life by any means, but I think the biggest and most challenging trial I've faced to date is that of losing my spouse.   I have to now take on the task that two people had set out to do together.  It's a bit of a daunting task, but I know that Heavenly Father is on my side and will help me through.  It's not going to be a walk in the park, but I know that our needs will be met, and that we'll be truly happy - one day.     I know that I do feel jipped that I didn't get 50 years with him here on earth, or that we didn't even make our 20th anniversary.  But, what's a few years whether it's 2, 10 or 50 years being away from him compared to ETERNITY. 

That boy and I are sealed together!  And that means just since he has passed on, that our marriage will continue in the next life.  I just need to keep myself worthy to make it where he already is.  I love looking at his photos, and remembering the stories behind them.   He was great at making me laugh, and great at telling me what I needed to hear even though I didn't want to hear it.   He was great at loving me unconditionally. He wanted me to be happy and he surely made me happy.   

The beginnings of a very long journey

So I feel like my memory isn't going to be very solid for a very long time.  As it is, my memory of the first few days and weeks since my sweethearts passing are a bit of a blur.  And really it's a good thing.  

I remember pleading with the Lord that very night and the next day in between people coming over that he would erase the image that I last had of my sweet husband.   I cried, and cried because it wasn't a very pretty last image.  I just had a death experience three months earlier and it was so peaceful and spiritual and expected and we all came together and shared memories and the spirit in the home was so abundant.   

Now, with this experience from just a little over three weeks ago, which was completely different I find myself really struggling especially the last few days.   I remember lots and I mean LOTS of people stopping in to give me hugs, drop off things, clean up the kitchen - which had been a mess for almost a month since he first got sick and all my attention was spent trying to help him.   I had money given to us, and lots and lots of people giving me assurance that things would be okay.    We had people coming in to drop off food items, going shopping for paper goods, (toilet paper, paper towels, plates, bowls, plastic ware etc..)   

I feel overwhelmed to say the least.  I'm not used to being on this side of the service.  My  husband and I have been on the other side of giving to those in need, and it made us feel so good to help out where and how we could.   So I don't know if it's a bit of a pride thing that's hanging me up, but I find it really hard to be the recipient of such generosity and love.   

On the Saturday after Chris's passing, I was looking for a cassette tape that I know he recorded with the kids.  And I couldn't remember where it had disappeared to.  I had a thought as I was looking at his dresser/nightstand and saw his huge pile of neatly folded clothes and under all of that was a shoe box, and I thought "What if???"   So I removed all the clothes to the bed keeping the pile neat and folded, and sure enough after messing with stuff in the box, I found it.   I put it in the cassette recorder that we had and the only source to play a cassette and nothing on the side that was available to play at first.  So I flipped it over and rewound the tape a little and hit play.   

The first thing I hear is his voice and he's singing Chris LeDoux's  "Look at You Girl".   He always sang that to me and EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. I would end up in tears.   He sang fantastically, and whistled well too.  He was always singing these love songs to me and it melted my heart.   So when I heard him singing one of my favorites that he did, I instantly felt like I was getting a really tight hug.  And that's all I needed to know that I can do this.  No, it won't be easy.  No, it won't be fun.  Yes, I will miss him like crazy.  But it was his way of letting me know that he knew I can do this.  

Granted after the passing of a loved one, the first of everything tends to be really difficult.  But, I'm trying to face them head on.   I know I'm going in the right direction because I'm feeling peace and know in my heart that somewhere in the future I'll look back at this time and realize that it really was a major boost in my spiritual and personal growth.  But right now, I'm just in survival mode.  I can see how some might want to take their own life after such an extreme loss, and a traumatic experience.  No, I don't feel like that at all, because I have a responsibility to my children to continue to raise them.   And I know that my Heavenly Father loves me and is very mindful of my family.   I know the gospel of Jesus Christ is true!!  Families can be together forever and that means beyond the end of our mortal lives.   I know that I will see him again!  I can only imagine how sweet that reunion will be, and I look forward to it, but hopefully not for a very long, long time from now.  I want to enjoy my children growing up and experiencing all their firsts.  And eventually grandchildren when that time comes.   Chris and I are a perfect match for each other.  We made complete sense together.   Yes, life without him is going to be challenging, but that's what is going to make me into the person Heavenly Father wants and needs me to become.  And I don't think I would be able to become that person with my best friend, confidant, lover, and perfect husband remaining at my side.  

This isn't something I ever imagined to be in my life plan, and it's more testimony to me that I'm not in charge of my life really.   I can make plans, but have to be adaptable if reality changes.  Well, my reality has changed in a major way and now it's going to take some time to figure out what to do, and what my goals are now.  Since things that we had talked about and were planning are no longer going to happen.  

Everyone probably realized that we were set to close on a new house, and I've still felt pangs of sadness when I think how small this house feels and know that I was so close to being able to move into my dream house.  But I know that right where we are is the right place for us to be right now.   And I'm so thankful that Heavenly Father was actually showing me tender mercies all along to prepare me for this, but I didn't realize it as it was happening that it would be for an event as this.







I don't wish this on anyone, at an age like mine.  It's going to be rough, I'm going to be lonely, I'm going to be dead tired, and need breaks.  And my kids are going to want me to do "ONE" more thing, and everything that Chris and I did together I know I have to do on my own now.  And I'm overwhelmed to say the least.

My word of advice for those of you with your spouse still with you, if you aren't out of debt right now .... make a vigilant effort to get out of debt now!!!  Luckily we were out of debt earlier this year thanks to our effort of working together on our money matters, and we were ready to start helping others out exactly how we're getting helped out now.  No reason to delay it, you never know when one of you won't be there and trying to be responsible for debt after the passing of someone could be really hard to deal with.  So other than our home we don't have any debt.  I've been trained really well and will continue to use the system that Chris put into place.  He made it so simple and easy.   I thought going onto a budgeted amount of money for buying groceries was difficult and it sucked, but you know what -- I see now how that has helped me.   And I'm so glad my husband was perfect at preparing for the future.   

My testimony and a little announcement.

Well the cat is out of the bag now!! I've been dying not being able to let it out so publicly.  But these are the way in which we let our parents know.   Now there won't be any holding me back talking about this pregnancy on here from now until the baby comes.  The due date I was given according to an early ultrasound was Sept 14th, but I don't think that's really accurate.  I'm thinking the due date is more like the 6th of Sept.  So I guess I'll just have to wait and see what the next few months bring.  I have had morning sickness or rather the "pregnancy sickness" pretty bad the last 6 weeks, but I think it's finally staring to taper off.  I've been extremely fatigued as well.  But what else can I do, I already have 5 other kids I am already a mother too.... good thing they are a bit older and can help take care of themselves on the days I feel really nasty.  And the poor kids eat a lot of cold cereal for dinner when I'm trying to be really lazy and not put forth much energy.  Oh well, hopefully I'll start getting more energy back, because I have a lot of WORK/STUFF to do before baby comes.  And some major purging of junk to make room for this new little one.  I'll post the story of how we found out another day, but just know things are relatively okay for now.

It's a little lesson in accepting the Lord's plan for us along with his timing, and not just thinking our plan is all that matters.  I'm grateful that I belong to The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, and that I know families can be together forever through the priesthood authority that was restored to earth through the prophet Joseph Smith.  As frustrated and as stressed as I may get sometimes or days, my family really is my greatest blessing and joy.  I'm excited that I can be with them after this life as long as I live the way my Heavenly Father wishes me to live, by obeying the commandments and reading my scriptures, by praying and serving those around me.  I believe the Book of Mormon is a correct and true book. For the spirit that I feel while I'm reading the passages within it can not be duplicated any other way. 

I know there is a true prophet called of God on the Earth today, and I support him and his counselors and my other church leaders in their callings and in their service. 


This is part of my testimony and I leave this with you in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.

Bitter/Sweet Milestones ....

Okay this mama was about to cry today! 

WHY?

Well my little boy who is turning 4 in April started in Primary today.

And for me that is a HUGE bittersweet milestone for me.

It means he's getting older and can do more things, but it also means he's not my little baby anymore. He still likes to snuggle with me, which I'll gladly take a time out from my schedule to spend with him snuggling.

I had to seriously hold back the tears today, because that's how I roll. 

I get emotional, and I love my kids and knowing that he's 

the last one makes everything else that much harder to go

through with him. I'm trying not to cry right now while I'm making this note.

I thought he was going to have a rough transition from nursery, where they 

get to play with toys, and have a snack, to going to Sunbeams, where they don't get

to play with toys, and they don't get a snack. 

During Sacrament meeting I saw him acting up and getting all grumpy like, as he was before 

church.  He claimed he didn't want to go to Primary because there wasn't any toys in Sunbeams. 

Luckily as it was time for Primary to start, he went without any problems.  Afterwards, I asked him how 

he liked it, and he said, " It was good, but they don't have snack! And I like having a snack!"

Looks like we'll have an okay time, I just wish the same good fortune to the other **families that have

a child going into Primary for the first time.  ** You know who you are.  

Now we're off to see what other adventures we 

face for the next year / phase of our life. 

Heidi's Baptism ...

This is what we started our weekend off with....

I asked Heidi just as soon as she came out of the baptismal font how she felt and she replied, "Good" with a cute little smile!!

We followed up with visiting family and friends, and a HUGE BBQ at our house later that day.  We had so many people over it was GREAT.   Let's see we had the following....

• My childhood family (My Dad and Mom, My sister Nicole her husband Rob and their three kids, my niece Sierra) 
• My Family  (All 7 of us) 
• Amy and Richard and their family  (7 altogether here too) 
• Mary and Scott and their 2 kids 
• Ruth and Nick and their daughter
• Jared and Becky and their 4 kids
• Dan and Angela 
• Chris's Mom and Dad 
• Richard's Mom and Dad 
• John and Luma and their 2 boys 
• My neighbor Adam

Did you catch how many that was??? That's right.. .neither did I, but let me go back and add it all up...
8+7+7+4+3+6+2+2+2+4+1=    46 in my backyard or in my house watching the BYU football game that was on that night.  We had great food and good fun.  It went way too quick though.  Sometimes it almost seems like a dream, because my parents were only up for such a short time, and I really didn't get to see much of them at all. 

But we preceded this night with a trip to Seven Peaks and loved the time we got to spend there.  Great times all around.