I didn't choose losing my husband at such a young age! At least not to my current knowledge but I'm under the impression that I signed up for this. I think I've always sensed this was going to be my lot in life.
I think he sensed it too. It was always jokingly, but I think he sensed it. It's one of those things that when you take the time to look back over impressions and conversations that you see a pattern start to emerge. Of course, in the midst of every day life you aren't looking for it, and many times it gets overlooked. Now I don't say this to start making you try to see what might be lying in store in your future, because I'm not. I'm just saying that for me, I think we both knew this was coming. We didn't know it in the sense that we really planned for what to do if it did happen, but I think we both just knew.
Often times he would jokingly (at least it came across as jokingly) that he was going to die when he was 45 (or some young age like that, just not 40) I kept telling him to "Shutup, and quit talking like that." I of course, didn't want to face a situation of that magnitude because quite frankly it scared me. Why it scared me, I can't quite explain, but it did. Often times people are scared of the unknown, and the feelings that linger beneath the surface. But as I sit back and think about the last several years I can't help but feel like I had moments where that thought would flash in my mind and I would push it aside. I didn't want to pay attention to it. Do you blame me? I don't.
It's been two months since my sweetheart has passed on, and I have cried so much since then than I thought was ever humanly possible. I might actually start crying before this is over too, that's just how it works. In these two months, we've celebrated Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years Eve/Day, our son's 10th birthday, and all of the other day to day stuff that happens. We've painted our living room to give it a face lift. I'm changing out furniture because I feel like it, not to mention it's old and needed to be replaced a long time ago. I've had my furnace stop working over New Years Eve and it was out for a few days, so we stayed at my father in laws house. It was really refreshing to stay somewhere else for a few nights. I've had bills to pay, we've gone out to eat a few different times. I'm now experience my first sickness without him here, and my three year old is sick too. My kids have missed the bus a few times in the last two months, which has required me to drive them, and often sets back the rest of the morning. (I'm not a natural morning person so this has been rough) And what makes it more rough is when you have a difficult time getting to sleep at night. All the memories creep in, all the thoughts of the good times, an the replaying of the weeks and days leading up to his eventual passing away.
When he passed away I experienced an intense physical pain. It wasn't just emotional but I had a physical pain too. I was now separated from the love of my life, he was my prince charming, he was my man! And now, he isn't with us physically anymore. We were one, we were connected in our purpose and in our love for each other. And now he was just ripped away from me without any warning. Yes he was sick, but I had hope that he was going to get better. That was not to be.
I've learned a lot about myself, and it really isn't awe inspiring or anything but I know that my love for him runs really deep to the core of my being. And his absence is heartbreaking for sure. There have been many times and moments where having him here, would make everything not feel so bad but I don't get that now. We were and are a team. If decisions needed to be made we usually made them together, so now that I've had to make decisions I'm my only sounding board unless I manage to bore someone else with my crazy thoughts. Which sometimes they can be very off the wall crazy. He was my stabilizing factor, the person that when things started to go not the way we had planned he'd talk me through it and help me understand and see how things weren't nearly as bad as I perceived them to be at first.
I found that I was relying more on him, then on my Savior Jesus Christ, and my Heavenly Father. So since then I realized that I needed to change that within myself. I need to lean on them for strength, peace and comfort. I've gained a better knowledge of the love that they have for me, and just because they love me and I'm trying to do whats right doesn't mean I'm not going to experience trials and challenges. And if you ask me - this particular challenge beats them all. But at the same time, I look at my situation and feel that I'm in a rough spot right now but realize there are others that have it worse then what I'm going through really is. And I'd rather have this trial then one that another person is struggling with that I think is way more unbearable. But really, I've also discovered that through these low moments and the darkest of days, I have a source of light to turn to and seek comfort from. Yes, it might not be tangible like sometimes I long for, but it puts me in a place that brings me closer to my Savior and that much closer to being with my sweetheart again.
I keep having moments where it just all seems too hard, and too much for me to handle and deal with, which results in a break down of tears and lots of praying to God. I also have moments where being the sole parent here on Earth is very overwhelming and my kids aren't very cooperative and I just want to SCREAM because it isn't fair! It's a real feeling, I know, I have it multiple times a week and usually multiple times in a day. It isn't fair, but it's what my life is now. I don't wish this on my worst enemy.
I don't know who I am without him right here beside me. And that's what this next year is going to be about. Creating who I am in a world where my sweetheart doesn't live anymore. I miss him like crazy, and I would like nothing more than to see him once again. But I know that isn't going to happen, hopefully for a long, long time. We have six kids that need to be raised and I want to be a grandmother someday.
I long for companionship, and maybe someday that will happen. But for now, it's all about me. Which feels weird too, but I'm reinventing myself, I have to. If I'm going to survive this. It's all I can do sometimes to just breath through minute by minute but eventually I know it will get easier, it just isn't that time right now.
So if you hear a scream off in the distance please know that I'm doing my best, but right now it's feeling very overwhelming to me and not something I'm really enjoying either. I sometimes just need a release, and sometimes multiple releases.
I think he sensed it too. It was always jokingly, but I think he sensed it. It's one of those things that when you take the time to look back over impressions and conversations that you see a pattern start to emerge. Of course, in the midst of every day life you aren't looking for it, and many times it gets overlooked. Now I don't say this to start making you try to see what might be lying in store in your future, because I'm not. I'm just saying that for me, I think we both knew this was coming. We didn't know it in the sense that we really planned for what to do if it did happen, but I think we both just knew.
Often times he would jokingly (at least it came across as jokingly) that he was going to die when he was 45 (or some young age like that, just not 40) I kept telling him to "Shutup, and quit talking like that." I of course, didn't want to face a situation of that magnitude because quite frankly it scared me. Why it scared me, I can't quite explain, but it did. Often times people are scared of the unknown, and the feelings that linger beneath the surface. But as I sit back and think about the last several years I can't help but feel like I had moments where that thought would flash in my mind and I would push it aside. I didn't want to pay attention to it. Do you blame me? I don't.
It's been two months since my sweetheart has passed on, and I have cried so much since then than I thought was ever humanly possible. I might actually start crying before this is over too, that's just how it works. In these two months, we've celebrated Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years Eve/Day, our son's 10th birthday, and all of the other day to day stuff that happens. We've painted our living room to give it a face lift. I'm changing out furniture because I feel like it, not to mention it's old and needed to be replaced a long time ago. I've had my furnace stop working over New Years Eve and it was out for a few days, so we stayed at my father in laws house. It was really refreshing to stay somewhere else for a few nights. I've had bills to pay, we've gone out to eat a few different times. I'm now experience my first sickness without him here, and my three year old is sick too. My kids have missed the bus a few times in the last two months, which has required me to drive them, and often sets back the rest of the morning. (I'm not a natural morning person so this has been rough) And what makes it more rough is when you have a difficult time getting to sleep at night. All the memories creep in, all the thoughts of the good times, an the replaying of the weeks and days leading up to his eventual passing away.
When he passed away I experienced an intense physical pain. It wasn't just emotional but I had a physical pain too. I was now separated from the love of my life, he was my prince charming, he was my man! And now, he isn't with us physically anymore. We were one, we were connected in our purpose and in our love for each other. And now he was just ripped away from me without any warning. Yes he was sick, but I had hope that he was going to get better. That was not to be.
I've learned a lot about myself, and it really isn't awe inspiring or anything but I know that my love for him runs really deep to the core of my being. And his absence is heartbreaking for sure. There have been many times and moments where having him here, would make everything not feel so bad but I don't get that now. We were and are a team. If decisions needed to be made we usually made them together, so now that I've had to make decisions I'm my only sounding board unless I manage to bore someone else with my crazy thoughts. Which sometimes they can be very off the wall crazy. He was my stabilizing factor, the person that when things started to go not the way we had planned he'd talk me through it and help me understand and see how things weren't nearly as bad as I perceived them to be at first.
I found that I was relying more on him, then on my Savior Jesus Christ, and my Heavenly Father. So since then I realized that I needed to change that within myself. I need to lean on them for strength, peace and comfort. I've gained a better knowledge of the love that they have for me, and just because they love me and I'm trying to do whats right doesn't mean I'm not going to experience trials and challenges. And if you ask me - this particular challenge beats them all. But at the same time, I look at my situation and feel that I'm in a rough spot right now but realize there are others that have it worse then what I'm going through really is. And I'd rather have this trial then one that another person is struggling with that I think is way more unbearable. But really, I've also discovered that through these low moments and the darkest of days, I have a source of light to turn to and seek comfort from. Yes, it might not be tangible like sometimes I long for, but it puts me in a place that brings me closer to my Savior and that much closer to being with my sweetheart again.
I keep having moments where it just all seems too hard, and too much for me to handle and deal with, which results in a break down of tears and lots of praying to God. I also have moments where being the sole parent here on Earth is very overwhelming and my kids aren't very cooperative and I just want to SCREAM because it isn't fair! It's a real feeling, I know, I have it multiple times a week and usually multiple times in a day. It isn't fair, but it's what my life is now. I don't wish this on my worst enemy.
I don't know who I am without him right here beside me. And that's what this next year is going to be about. Creating who I am in a world where my sweetheart doesn't live anymore. I miss him like crazy, and I would like nothing more than to see him once again. But I know that isn't going to happen, hopefully for a long, long time. We have six kids that need to be raised and I want to be a grandmother someday.
I long for companionship, and maybe someday that will happen. But for now, it's all about me. Which feels weird too, but I'm reinventing myself, I have to. If I'm going to survive this. It's all I can do sometimes to just breath through minute by minute but eventually I know it will get easier, it just isn't that time right now.
So if you hear a scream off in the distance please know that I'm doing my best, but right now it's feeling very overwhelming to me and not something I'm really enjoying either. I sometimes just need a release, and sometimes multiple releases.
