16 months and counting ....

As a widow for the last 16 months now, I've learned a lot, I've made mistakes, I've had great triumphs and many blessings, I have even laughed a lot! The one thing that still affects me though, is the overwhelming sense of feeling isolated and alone. I'm normally very outgoing, and chatty, and a big goober, but lately I'm feeling insecure, inadequate and overwhelmed. I think this is true with a lot of people in my case - and trying to carry the load of two parents for six children hasn't been that easy. I forget things, like starting a load of laundry late Saturday night so my son has clean clothes for church on Sunday morning, only to realize that I don't have any detergent anywhere in my house. So it required a late night run to Walmart to buy detergent.

Dinners happen whenever I feel the urge to actually cook. And then I get cool mom points if the kids actually eat it. I forget to call the school when my child has been sick, and then if I forget too many times I get the letter from the school that sheds major light onto my future ... yes, then I jump into this needs to be taken care of mode and everything else can wait. Or I'm not on my game to check that the teen car has gas in it when they leave, because I don't drive that car, and then have to go and "Rescue" the kids before it's a real rescue. Losing a debit card, because I was lazy and put it in my pocket instead of my purse/wallet and it fell out somewhere in the HOGLE ZOO - yeah not one of my better moments, but I won't tell you that it wasn't my first time losing the card, but it was my first time losing it at the zoo.

I've gone on a few trips with my kids and we've survived. I'm not sure how, and not sure why but we did, and those have been some of the best memories yet. I'm glad, because my kids need good memories to replace some not so great ones.

I get tired A LOT! I get BORED sometimes, and I only have so much energy to do things with and for the kids before I need to be recharged.

I have moments where I cry! The major ugly crying! ANd I have no reason why except that I'm feeling the pains of no one to talk to or be with at that moment. And the crazy thing is, it will always hit way late at night and I can't do anything about it anyway. So I have a good cry and then wake up the next day and push forward.

I'm trying to create dreams and plans for my life, but sometimes I think the easiest way is to just "ROLL" with it. I find more happiness in just being in the moment rather than looking too far ahead at what should/could/ will happen.

I've had dark moments, moments that I don't know what I was feeling, moments where I was extremely happy, and moments where I feel intense love from my father in heaven.

This journey isn't yours, but it is mine. I'm trying to handle it with dignity and strength, but sometimes, you lose sight of what's really important because lets face it, we're still human and mortal and have imperfect thoughts, and actions however, big or little they may be. What is important is that we strive to continually make course corrections no matter how little to get it going in the right direction so we end up where we want to be. It's so easy to get distracted, but as soon as we realize it, we are free to get back on task and make progress again.

Along the way we'll have people that point fingers at us, or we have people leave our lives, and as sad as that can be sometimes, there are better things ahead. It's all about faith! And for me it's a huge test right now. And I'm doing the best I can. What I need are people who encourage me, people who support me - no matter how dumb my ideas are, people who will laugh with me and not just at me, I need people who will uplift me and make me want to keep continuing, people who will cry with me when that is needed, people who offer an evening away for a sanity break, I need people who will say HI, and smile when you see me out and about. I need people who will love me for who I am and not judge me based on what I'm not doing right in your eyes. I need people who will step up and help out with my kids and make them feel loved and appreciated to. I need people who

I have found love again, and though it hasn't been easy to start over, it's been so worth it. Because we are two imperfect people trying to build a new relationship, and it takes time, energy and effort to make something last. It feels good to have someone who loves me, and just his sheer presence makes me HAPPIER, and I feel so awesome and good when we're together. It's a journey and I'm finding ways to enjoy it as I go along. And reasons to laugh - like keeping a red-box movie or two for about three weeks and then having to pay that crazy fine. See - I'm not perfect, I'm not beating myself up, but I do have a great red charger I can hop in and drive if I get feeling to overwhelmed and frustrated!

So those who want to know how I'm really doing? I'm doing okay! I have great days, and terrible days and everything in between. I try to find humor in everyday and laugh. My kids are doing okay! Same applies to them. I do think that losing their dad at a young age has propelled them into being very responsible people a lot sooner. They are still pesky goobers that make a lot of noise and never like what I make for dinner, and leave trash every where but I love them and they are all that I'm trying to survive for. So I don't have a plague, I'm not disturbed (well mostly I'm not), but I am just like you but with a very tender and sometime sad heart. I'm not scary to approach, and I have no problem talking about my story. Ask my kids how they are doing, because they have been suffering from this too.

I have a few goals, I have some ideas, and I'm trying bit by bit to make a life happen for myself that I can look back on and know I didn't waste any opportunity. Now I won't indulge in eating exotic foods, but it would be nice to travel someday and hopefully I can make that a reality. But on my own - NO WAY! With any or all kids - NO WAY! At least not until they are grown.

Now that I've wasted the last hour of your life while you waded through my jumbled words carry on and remember you don't know what anyone else is really struggling with, so try not to judge someone based on how they interact with you.

I want to fix this PROBLEM

I was just thinking tonight how I feel like having lost my husband feels like a problem that I need fixed. 

You know much like a problem where you forgot to pay your electricity or gas bill and you need to do something before those things get turned off.  Or where you missed putting gasoline in your car and you are almost out, or you forgot about an important meeting that's starts in 10 minutes but the location is 15 minutes away and you aren't dressed for it.   Or, the darn computer keeps giving you a headache because it operates so slow a snail is able to move faster.    Or you had a fight with your best friend and need to make amends. Or you hit someone's car and know you need to tell them but you can't quite get the nerve to do it.  

All these problems are fixable and sometimes unavoidable, but they all bring inside a person a similar feeling.  I keep feeling lately that there's a solution to this situation I'm in, that somehow I can rewind time and things will be just fine again, or that somehow I'm stuck in a horrific dream and can't quite wake up from it, or sometimes I feel like I missing that one thing I can do to FIX this problem.   

We didn't have any problems, well, at least not when he slipped away.   I'm rather fortunate that things are where they are.  He was preparing for THIS and didn't realize it and neither did I, until IT happened.  

I know that this isn't a fixable problem, at least not in the immediate future.  I'm adjusting to life as a sole parent on Earth and trying to do what a team of two did together, doing it solo now.   I'm finding a groove slowly, it's not easy, not fun (well maybe once in a while), but there are things that were so much better when he was here.  

I've lost pretty much any desire to cook (and I loved to do that before - my poor kids),  I've lost any desire to really "clean" anything or declutter or anything like that.  I've gained more of a desire to need to be with other people, it's weird I'm a people person, so I'm trying to make sure I'm mom when I need to be, but still trying to create who I am now without the man I've been with for the last 16+ years.  

Tears are still coming unannounced.  But really the timing is slightly predictable - during the night, on Sundays, when I'm reading things of spiritual natures, or when I just have silence and start to think about what has changed.  Trying to keep moving forward, but sometimes I don't know which way is really forward because I feel like I've been spinning out of control for the last 11 weeks almost and even longer if you count the month he was sick before he passed away.  I'm trying to find some firm footings somewhere to know where to go and what to do and right now I've got nothing except to find another home.  

It will be bitter sweet, no matter when it is but I know that the only good sleep I've had was when we had our furnace go out and we stayed in Santaquin with my father in law at his home.  The kids loved that and so did I.  

There isn't such thing as normal.  I used to think that there was, but really I keep thinking that everyone that I see could be gone later that same day or the next or in a week.  Life is seriously precious and really is giving me an indication that it's meant to be lived and not feared, but still there is some anxiety when I think that so and so could be next, or heck even myself.  (Of course, I hope not for a very long time). 

And that brings me to the phrase "If we endure it well". I've been learning what that really means the last two months and have gathered that it doesn't simply mean to sit around and not do anything but to really ENJOY and be HAPPY while I'm enduring.  I equate enduring to living.  Granted there is a time for pause while a grieving person is trying to get their feet on solid ground again and head out from the fog that encapsulates it during this time.   But when the dust settles and feet are firmly planted once again, it's time to get to work. 

Again if I haven't said it already I don't wish this on my worst enemy.  Losing someone really brings to light those things that are of worth and worth our time and those things that don't really matter.  I'm not really "living" right now I'm kind of just floating along and in a daze at that.  That's why I'm writing my thoughts down so that I'll remember them later, when I really need to fall back on it.  

A fairytale, or not a fairytale -- that is the question.

I just keep thinking how my life with Chris was almost like a fairytale.  And the fairytale has been interrupted for who knows how long.  

If it weren't for the photos and my own memories, it would feel like the last 16 years of my life were just a dream, and now real life begins.  I often remember when something would come into the lives of people that I cared about, it made my heart ache for them in that situation.  And when people would willingly choose to do something that wasn't quite smart, it hurt too.   I would often ask Chris, why I cared about people so much?  Because if I didn't care about them, it wouldn't hurt!   I don't remember exactly how he would respond but basically his message was that that's who I am, I am a person that cares deeply for others, and hurt when they hurt and mourn when they mourn.   And that this is how God wants us to be.  He wants us to care for others, and love them, and serve them, and when they are hurting for whatever reason we should be there with them, to help them carry that burden.  

I'm naturally someone who likes to get out and help others as much as possible, and right now, I'm finding it hard to want to do that, because I don't have the energy, I'm too tired, or I'm just trying to discover who I am now.  It's been over a month since my sweetheart was called back home, and it feels like forever!  (I know, I'll probably keep saying that over and over, but that's how it feels.) 

Trying to rebuild my life without him being right beside me is going to be challenging and hard.  This isn't something I asked for, nor did I want it.  At least not to my knowledge.  It feels like a huge prank gone bad, and really don't like it.  

I realize that there are things I will probably want to go and do, but I have no one to go and do them with, and I don't want to be a third wheel either.  So trying to deal with those emotions has been challenging too.  I don't know what to do half the time, and I'm just trying to get through one day at a time and sometimes like today it's getting through one minute, or hour at a time. 

People keep asking me what I need, and really what am I supposed to say to that?  Oh, my kitchen is falling apart STILL, and I can't seem to make meals EVER, my livingroom is picked up one minute and 10 minutes later it's a MESS.  My toilet is having issues, my bathroom wall is falling apart, I'm falling apart, I'm exhausted, but I have so many things to do but they still aren't getting done.  How about, I almost had a dream home - Can you go ahead and make that magically happen?   I miss having a my man's arms holding me tight, what can you do about that, where I'm not going to feel awkward?   I'm lonely, and want to be around people and I have absolutely nothing to do, but everyone else is busy.  My husband is gone, can you bring him back?     Yes, see it's almost impossible to answer that question, because I will probably try and push it aside as if everything is okay when in fact and in reality everything is not okay.   

I constantly look at him in our family photo from a few years ago and just stare at him.  And I feel that in this case staring isn't bad.  I keep trying to remember what exactly it felt like to have him hold me tight, and it's starting to fade from my mind.  And that makes me sad.  I don't know how to feel about looking at all of his things everywhere.   I like them there, but I don't.  (See what I mean, you can't really define anything)  

My sons are great for giving me hugs, and my nearly 10 year old son is getting so big that his strong arms are starting to feel like a great substitute for his father.   I made him promise me that he would give me a hug WHENEVER I needed one and he said, Of course Mom!   And I told him that I'd give him one whenever he needed one.    

It's almost crazy how life can be redefined in a matter of minutes when the makeup of a family changes.  Whether it's through divorce or death.   I'm not comparing the two just the fact that life gets shaken up.  I'm trying to find what my purpose is now, when for so many years I was focusing on making our marriage stronger (with the exception of when I got a little sidetracked).  Now that I don't have our marriage to work on really -- what do I do now?    

I hate feeling alone, and I don't want to feel like I have to contact others, it would be so much easier if others could just drop in realizing that my place may look like a trash hole, which is embarrassing but sometimes instead of doing some kind of chore maybe I just need someone to come by that I feel really is concerned.  Sometimes it's just a shoulder to cry on that I need.  Someone there to help me feel like I'm not alone, even though I know that I'm not, but really it feels like it when all the tears come when I'm by myself.  

I feel like no one is really going to understand because if you haven't been through this (the loss of a spouse) you aren't really going to know a portion of what it feels like.  My heart still aches every day for the loss I have gone through and am still dealing with and trying to process.  I have an underlying feeling of sadness and loneliness ALL THE TIME.    It's apparently part of the process of grieving, and I still stand by the fact that my spirit is roaring like a lion but my heart and body aren't quite there yet.  

I find writing all my thoughts down right now, are the only way I can "Talk" about what I'm feeling because my other half isn't here with me to really tell it to.  I wish he was, oh how I wish he was!  

The beginnings of a very long journey

So I feel like my memory isn't going to be very solid for a very long time.  As it is, my memory of the first few days and weeks since my sweethearts passing are a bit of a blur.  And really it's a good thing.  

I remember pleading with the Lord that very night and the next day in between people coming over that he would erase the image that I last had of my sweet husband.   I cried, and cried because it wasn't a very pretty last image.  I just had a death experience three months earlier and it was so peaceful and spiritual and expected and we all came together and shared memories and the spirit in the home was so abundant.   

Now, with this experience from just a little over three weeks ago, which was completely different I find myself really struggling especially the last few days.   I remember lots and I mean LOTS of people stopping in to give me hugs, drop off things, clean up the kitchen - which had been a mess for almost a month since he first got sick and all my attention was spent trying to help him.   I had money given to us, and lots and lots of people giving me assurance that things would be okay.    We had people coming in to drop off food items, going shopping for paper goods, (toilet paper, paper towels, plates, bowls, plastic ware etc..)   

I feel overwhelmed to say the least.  I'm not used to being on this side of the service.  My  husband and I have been on the other side of giving to those in need, and it made us feel so good to help out where and how we could.   So I don't know if it's a bit of a pride thing that's hanging me up, but I find it really hard to be the recipient of such generosity and love.   

On the Saturday after Chris's passing, I was looking for a cassette tape that I know he recorded with the kids.  And I couldn't remember where it had disappeared to.  I had a thought as I was looking at his dresser/nightstand and saw his huge pile of neatly folded clothes and under all of that was a shoe box, and I thought "What if???"   So I removed all the clothes to the bed keeping the pile neat and folded, and sure enough after messing with stuff in the box, I found it.   I put it in the cassette recorder that we had and the only source to play a cassette and nothing on the side that was available to play at first.  So I flipped it over and rewound the tape a little and hit play.   

The first thing I hear is his voice and he's singing Chris LeDoux's  "Look at You Girl".   He always sang that to me and EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. I would end up in tears.   He sang fantastically, and whistled well too.  He was always singing these love songs to me and it melted my heart.   So when I heard him singing one of my favorites that he did, I instantly felt like I was getting a really tight hug.  And that's all I needed to know that I can do this.  No, it won't be easy.  No, it won't be fun.  Yes, I will miss him like crazy.  But it was his way of letting me know that he knew I can do this.  

Granted after the passing of a loved one, the first of everything tends to be really difficult.  But, I'm trying to face them head on.   I know I'm going in the right direction because I'm feeling peace and know in my heart that somewhere in the future I'll look back at this time and realize that it really was a major boost in my spiritual and personal growth.  But right now, I'm just in survival mode.  I can see how some might want to take their own life after such an extreme loss, and a traumatic experience.  No, I don't feel like that at all, because I have a responsibility to my children to continue to raise them.   And I know that my Heavenly Father loves me and is very mindful of my family.   I know the gospel of Jesus Christ is true!!  Families can be together forever and that means beyond the end of our mortal lives.   I know that I will see him again!  I can only imagine how sweet that reunion will be, and I look forward to it, but hopefully not for a very long, long time from now.  I want to enjoy my children growing up and experiencing all their firsts.  And eventually grandchildren when that time comes.   Chris and I are a perfect match for each other.  We made complete sense together.   Yes, life without him is going to be challenging, but that's what is going to make me into the person Heavenly Father wants and needs me to become.  And I don't think I would be able to become that person with my best friend, confidant, lover, and perfect husband remaining at my side.  

This isn't something I ever imagined to be in my life plan, and it's more testimony to me that I'm not in charge of my life really.   I can make plans, but have to be adaptable if reality changes.  Well, my reality has changed in a major way and now it's going to take some time to figure out what to do, and what my goals are now.  Since things that we had talked about and were planning are no longer going to happen.  

Everyone probably realized that we were set to close on a new house, and I've still felt pangs of sadness when I think how small this house feels and know that I was so close to being able to move into my dream house.  But I know that right where we are is the right place for us to be right now.   And I'm so thankful that Heavenly Father was actually showing me tender mercies all along to prepare me for this, but I didn't realize it as it was happening that it would be for an event as this.







I don't wish this on anyone, at an age like mine.  It's going to be rough, I'm going to be lonely, I'm going to be dead tired, and need breaks.  And my kids are going to want me to do "ONE" more thing, and everything that Chris and I did together I know I have to do on my own now.  And I'm overwhelmed to say the least.

My word of advice for those of you with your spouse still with you, if you aren't out of debt right now .... make a vigilant effort to get out of debt now!!!  Luckily we were out of debt earlier this year thanks to our effort of working together on our money matters, and we were ready to start helping others out exactly how we're getting helped out now.  No reason to delay it, you never know when one of you won't be there and trying to be responsible for debt after the passing of someone could be really hard to deal with.  So other than our home we don't have any debt.  I've been trained really well and will continue to use the system that Chris put into place.  He made it so simple and easy.   I thought going onto a budgeted amount of money for buying groceries was difficult and it sucked, but you know what -- I see now how that has helped me.   And I'm so glad my husband was perfect at preparing for the future.   

Reflecting on lives lost

Sometimes things happen that might completely change your life.   Sometimes for the worse, but hopefully for the best.   Sometimes we don't expect these desired changes to ever take place.   And then one day you get an overwhelming feeling that NOW, now it is time to proceed to the next step.   

Well, we might be approaching one of those moments.  And really it's kind of exciting and scary all at the same time.   Not sure when I really want to announce what that is exactly.   But just know that good things are coming to our family.  We truly are blessed in almost every facet of our lives and we like to extend those blessings to those around us. 
______________________________________________________________
Recently we lost our dear sweet mother, Mary Randolph - Chris's mother.   On August 14, 2014 she passed away into the world of spirits.   She was kind, thoughtful, loving and a joy to be around.   She loved her family and clear up till the end she would light up when a grandchild would come into her sight.  We had a very great experience for about two weeks.   I could feel the spirit extremely well the days prior to her passing, and there were moments of laughter as we reminisced and told stories, and there were also moments of great sadness knowing what was about to happen.  Even as I type this the emotions are coming to the surface again. 

It was such a different experience to go through the death of a loved one and not be so far away geographically to know what was really happening.  It was sweet, it was tender, it was very spiritual.  It's always hard to think of living on without someone so loved and important to her family.   It's almost hard to comprehend that life really does go on for everyone else.  

Sometimes as I make the drive down to Santaquin, where my in-laws live, I feel like I'm going to show up there and she'll come walking out from her bedroom.  (and I would just jump for joy to see her even do that - as she couldn't walk really at all the last several months of her life).  She is missed everyday!  Little Esther will come up to me and say, "Grandma's in heaven."   She barely turned three after Mary's passing.  I am amazed at how much she knows at such a young age.   

It was definitely a rough time for our little family, because we lost her on one day, and the next day we heard that the first Bishop that we had after we bought our home here in Provo was killed while on the job.  It was a major shock to the ward, stake and neighborhood.   He was a great man, and as Christ like as they come. We were unable to attend any of his services because everything was at the exact same time as Mary's.  It was such an emotional time, but I'm so glad that the family was able to ALL be close and have those last few days with her as she was crossing over.   


Then just a week ago, a month after the funerals for the other two people, we found out that a young father age 30 unexpectedly died from a pulmonary embolism.  His cute wife just gave birth to their second child 8 weeks before.   I'm amazed at her faith through this.  I had the chance to talk with her two days after he passed away and she is a strong woman.  I want to be like her.  Life is so precious and fragile, and there really is no time to harbor ill feelings towards those you care about, or are part of your family.  

Sad.

Probably not the post you want to read about... but this is what I'm thinking about. 

Sad. Why? 

A friends son was shot in the head and she found him on her front door step several hours after he had been laying there. 

And after being in surgery, found out that he probably wouldn't survive. 

He passed away yesterday (May 17th).  And they have donated his organs. 

I can't even imagine how I would be dealing with this, and wish to let her know that I love her, and pray that she might feel some comfort right now.  What a hard time. 

And to think this happened only a few blocks from my house.  And I was in that very spot just hours before the this took place. 

I can't believe what goes through anyone's mind to be such a coward and not show their face or own up to what has happened.  I hope that the person responsible is caught and dealt with justly. 

I am glad to know that I can help this family out in the coming days as funeral arrangements are made and that maybe by doing this service, she might know of my love for her. 

Even though this son was 32, I am still thinking of holding on tight to my own children.  Because we really never know how long any one really does have here on Earth. 

What I've been up to lately...

I've just been dealing with sick kids on and off for the last 4 weeks!! YES, it stinks. But now I think we're over the keeping kids home because of sickness phase. They were all at school yesterday for the WHOLE DAY and to me that is a huge milestone after having one or more home just about every day for the last three weeks.

Lately I've been pretty tired, because I haven't been sleeping well at night. And yesterday was a day to get a nice MORNING NAP in. My boys just watched movies, or played on pbskids.org or they ended up in the room just playing with their toys. They didn't make a mess, they weren't loud ...to the point of not letting me get to sleep. It was perfect!! I couldn't ask for two better boys!!

And I wasn't feeling well last evening, and Chris sent me to the bedroom early so that I could rest and not have to do the regular duties in the evening. And let me tell you... it was NICE!! Thanks honey!!

The last of the regular season basketball games is set for tonight at our school. I'm getting quite excited to see an end in sight now. I've had fun, but I'm slightly burned out on basketball. So it'll be nice in a few weeks to have my afternoons back. And I'm sure the kids will like that too! That I'm home and not gone till dinner time every afternoon.

So I haven't disappeared I just have been busy dealing with kids not feeling well, and I was sick for a week as well. And while Heidi was home sick she lost two of her teeth that were lose. So now she's up to 3 that she has lost.

Crazy deal is her adult tooth was already growing in where one of the baby teeth was at. It was wiggly for A LONG WHILE, but she just never worked on it to get it out. SO I had to pull that one out for her like I did on the first one. With the second tooth she lost in the last week, she was messing with her tooth and she got all surprised because it just came out!! I'm glad she had a painless experience with that one.

We just recently bought an external hard drive, and now I'm excited to clear up space on my computer's hard drive so I can get going on creating scrapbook pages again, and get going on creating the yearbook too! I know.. call me crazy!! I'm used to it.

This is what I've been up to the last little bit, boring, but a record for me to remember.

I spent some time at the POLICE DEPARTMENT

Okay so the other night I went to the local police department so I could get fingerprinted. Why? Well, I volunteer as a basketball coach for the girls in 7th and 8th grades. I really should have done this back when I was doing volleyball, but no one thought about it, and so consequentially I didn't know that I should either.

Well, I've known about this for a few weeks, but couldn't fit it in before Thanksgiving so I went down this last Monday night. Oh my gosh!

It was so crazy. There was this incredibly small cubicle of a waiting room, where seriously no "smells" escaped going noticed by anyone. And if speaking loudly there wasn't any chance on having a private conversation. 

There were about 6 or 7 chairs set up and all were taken by the time I walked in just a minute or two past the start time. So I checked in by signing the paper and paid the fee (by the way the school paid for this). I then waited while standing for some time.

I overheard several conversations some of which were completely a waste of my time. But what did it really matter because I had to wait already. But some of the stuff I heard went something like this...

Person A: Yeah, I have to get this done or I have to go to jail. But, I'm fine with doing the jail time, I just don't want to be gone during Christmas. So if they wait till January I'm okay with it.

A little later, Person A was called to the service window, and was asked to show her papers. She was there because of a court order.

Person A : I don't have that paper with me. I left it at home, because I couldn't find it. But I have to do this or my PO (parole officer) is sending me to jail. And I have A LOT of court papers at home and don't know where THIS one is. (Seriously what kind of history does this lady have?? Yikes)

Person B comes up to the window and says, can't you just copy the back of this, it's the same judge.

And a worker behind the desk speaks up and says, NO, that's called FRAUD.  And then person A speaks up, " Yeah I don't need anymore of those charges, I've got plenty."   And after this was said, and everyone could hear it, you could hear some stifled laughs. 

A little while later a man walked in and was very "homely" looking and smelled BAD!! Such as just smoked something that was nasty in smell, which was inducing the gag reflex in me, because it smelled so bad.  And remember this waiting area was like a 12 x 3 foot area.  It was rather rank at this time.  So I stepped out into the open foyer and got some fresh air.  But I wasn't the only one, and started conversing with this other couple that had gone out for fresh air as well.  We decided they should hold different nights and or days for those who are doing this for a job and those that are court ordered. Or rather, have a "non-smoking" and "smoking" locations.   Just saying. 


After a while longer I went back in, and by now, a few people have already been called back and some chairs were freed up, so I took one.  Should have brought a book with me, but I didn't think it would take so long to go though this process. Oh well, guess I know for next time.


Another couple of people came in, and I couldn't quite tell how the this lady knew or was related to the young man that she came in with, who was there to get fingerprinted.  Sometimes it seemed as if she was his mom, but I quickly ruled that out as she kept asking how his mom was?   hmmm.... maybe she was a step mom?? No, probably not.  An Aunt?? Maybe.   I don't know I never figured it out.  But this kid, was probably 19 or 20 and seem to have problems owing money somewhere, and had to appear in court for a traffic violation of some sort.  Not exactly sure. But this kid acted like he KNEW everything.  Yeah, you know the kind. Talk as if they are experts on everything and everyone.  He is a basketball player, but not currently on a team. He's hoping to play for Dixie next year.  And he was asked about certain girls that he knew and told what he thought.  And blah blah blah.... I was getting slightly annoyed with this kid and his way of thinking.  Along with the other people that just didn't seem to "have it together". Or lacked some major common sense. 

So next time I find myself in this situation... A) bring a book.  B) Bring the ipod C) Bring pen and paper and take notes on the "funny dumb" things these people say, and then create a book from it. Simply for the entertainment purposes of other people.   And no worries names will be changed to protect the innocent... oh wait.... guess I don't need to worry about that. 

But seriously, I have a knack for people watching and observing.  So don't think I'm stalking you if you see me quiet in a room and not really talking.  Because I can guarantee you that observing you won't last beyond this one visit,  unless we happen to run into each other again.  And then just know I'm taking notes on just what you are saying that I find quite funny.  And if you are lucky, if it is funny, you might get a laugh out of me. And then you'll know I was watching you.  Bwahahaha...

And next time I am in this situation .... I think I need a candle just to smell so I can rid my nostrils and memory of such foul odors as a nasty "cigarette' smell, or someone's B.O. who just got released from Jail. 

Oh my... sometimes I wish I could find out why and how a person's thinking takes place.

**please note, I don't say this stuff to make it seem like I am PERFECT.  Because I'm not, at least I'm not all the time.  

A brief history of high school.

SORRY IT'S a long one!!! 

NO PICTURES THIS TIME.

I came across a friend's blog today that triggered some of my own thoughts on high school.

It seems forever ago now, that I attended high school, but really it wasn't all that long ago.

You have to understand a few things here, I lived in Trona, California --- yeah go look that up see what you find. It is a podunk little desert town. With a "plant" as the main source of employment. They mine stuff from a dry lake bed, and la de da da.

The high school was SMALL. At least it's small compared to the high schools my kids will end up going to in a few more years.

I got teased in elementary because my parents kept having kids, and since I had a large family I got really teased. I just ignored it as best as I could.

I was the only member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints my age that was active in the church. There were others that participated here and there with coming to activities and doing other things like that. That isn't the point here, well a little bit it is, but I was fortunate enough to get involved with high school sports. It actually started with 7th and 8th grade. I was hooked!!

By 9th grade I was moved up to Varsity level and bypassed the JV level. I did have some great 'friendships' that started because of sports, and after the sports the friendships kind of died off. I had FUN playing on the teams I was a part of. Yeah, I wasn't perfect, and I wasn't the best, but I gave my all and worked really hard. I played Volleyball (7-12); Basketball (7-12); Softball (9-11); Cheer-leading 10-11 ( I know who would have thought me to be the cheerleader type)

Now, you could say I belonged to the "jock" group at school, but really I belonged to more than just that. I was also academically gifted and had practically straight A's. When I graduated I was #2 in my class. (Well actually I tied with another student) So I could have been classified as a NERD as well. And mostly I got along with those you would consider nerds. So I belonged to the "jocks", the "mormons", "nerd", "poor" (maybe no-one else really thought that but I did)

I was so surprised to find out every now and then that RUMORS, Nasty rumors were started about me. Like I was engaged in "sexual" activities over the weekend and such. Those rumors hurt and they hurt bad!!! I cried several times after hearing such things.

It really was quite sad to find people felt so bad about themselves they had to get creative and make something up to "RUIN" someone else.

I enjoyed most of my classes, but not necessarily everyone that was in them. There were "cheaters" and "liars" in some of my classes, but somehow they always got away with it. Don't ask me how, because I don't know. This made me feel pretty upset because I was always honest, never cheated, and worked hard for my grades. Whereas these others (not mentioning names) would just gab the copy of the test answers conveniently left out and write down what they wanted to know, and pass it around the whole class. I was devastated. I never touched the paper, for fear of being guilty just touching it. Plus I never wanted to condone such behavior and allow someone else to copy too.

I always got made fun of and told I was the "teacher's pet". Because I was a good two shoe!! Well, that was fine with me. I knew I was doing what was right.

I went through a phase in my sophomore year where I practiced "swearing". Call this my rebellious phase if you will. I thought I needed to talk like that in order to "FIT" in with the other girls on the team. It lasted a few months, and I felt horrible talking like that. So to those of you that heard me talk like that I APOLOGIZE for using such language. It wasn't right on my part, and to this day I still don't talk using those words. (Mostly)

If it wasn't for the high school sports and weekly attendance at the football games I think I would have died!! I didn't go and party on the weekends, because there was drinking and other such activities going on that I didn't want to participate in. I did feel left out now and again, but I'd never go back and just give in to the peer pressure.

I also didn't have the best home life either. We were a large family, not much money but enough for our needs. We lived in a small house, and I never had name brand clothes. In fact I finally owned my first pair of jeans in 7th grade and those were given to me. Crazy, I know.

I did have my "first" kiss while in high school. I had a boyfriend or two...but all of which I would probably never want to repeat. I wasn't ever on any of the "royalty" courts because I wasn't popular and never felt like I was that pretty either. But a lot of my friends did, and I was happy for them. Actually I'm kind of glad it wasn't ever me.

I am glad however that I made a lot of friends in the neighboring town that were members of the same church but attended in a different building. I had some great friends there!! And still keep in touch now. It's great.

I had a few jobs through high school, which would limit how many sports I could play in my Senior year. But I learned lessons then that totally helped me become who I am now.

Would I ever want to go back and do it again?? Probably not. Although the sports part was fun, and the good grades helped, the people there were just on a different life path then myself. We probably don't have much in common anymore, other than maybe having kids and talking about that. Otherwise, I don't know what we'd talk about.

Now college... well that is a WHOLE different and BETTER story. More on that later.

It's fun now, to check in on those I knew back then and see where life has taken them. But honestly, I do wish them well, and don't want to treat them the way I was treated, but really life is so much better for me now, with the wonderful people in my life that I don't want to go back and relive high school.

A word on Time.

Have you ever had those days.
You know the ones. YEah those.

Where you wish you could slow down,
have a little more time.

Well, that happened to me today.
BUT, the difference, I really did
get time to "STOP" really. I did.

So, you would have thought I'd have
gotten a lot done today with my EXTRA
time. Only I didn't. I don't think I did
a darn thing today. Kind of a lazy day.

That isn't to say that I don't have LOTS
I could have done. But I didn't.

When time caught up with me, and I thought it was
only 11:40am... it was really 1: 20pm. OOPS...

Chris caught that the time stopped, and you'd think
that I ...Yes, I, would have noticed something,
after I looked at the clock at least three times in about
a 45 minute period that the clock never moved.

Oh my gosh... I lost a lot of my day when I thought I
still had a lot of it left!!!

Note to self...school is starting soon, check all clocks
for accuracy, and replace batteries.

My trip in hind view...

I know it's been a few days since I've posted, and that would be because we're on our "vacation" this year in good ole TRONA, CA. Okay, not that it's that great here, but this is where I grew up and just happens to be the dwelling place of my parents and most of my siblings. It's almost been a bit of a family reunion, except that one sister isn't here and is in Utah instead.

We've been here since June 5th, and the temps are excruciatingly HOT!! Something I did not like very much when I was younger but somehow survived it long enough to move away from.

Here's a synopsis of the trip so far.

• Thomas takes this trip to learn to "Be a MAN", meaning stopping on the side of the road to stand and pee behind a bush. 
• But only after he started to wet his pants in the car.  And this happening not too long after we started traveling. 
• Got to attend a baby blessing for my niece, and the kids went swimming the same day. (Come on, it's vacation 100 plus temps... it was HOT,  it was at the home of the person hosting the get together, and it was so inviting. So the kids were in the water not ME!!) 
• I had my first LARGE group photo shoot on Monday the 7th.  Prayed for clouds, I got them. But I also got WIND, which I didn't pray for. 
• While I was at the photo shoot 30minutes away. Kaylee was at Grandma and Grandpa's house with her dad and everyone else, and managed to take a chunk out of her foot with an exercise bike.  YUCK is all I'm going to say.
• Tuesday... I walked 2.7 miles, cleaned out my van, vacuumed it and then drove the 30 minutes to Ridgecrest, to have my sisters nurse friend take a look at Kaylee's injury. It was cleaned, and suture stripes were applied, and it was rewrapped with an ace bandage.  Great no beach swimming for her.
• Wednesday -- 4 car caravan, turned a 3 and half hour trip into 5 hours, and joined a fifth car in Oxnard, Ca at Hometown Buffet for lunch paid for by my parents.  (That's a lot of people)
• After dinner we turned into a 5 car caravan for a 30 minute drive up to Carpenteria State Beach Park for some fun in the sun.  People getting wet, and falling down, tide moving in, and things getting wet.  It was LOTS of fun!!
• Thursday... we're all tired, and having a nice lazy day.  And I'm feeling the itch to go back home to Utah.   It's pretty up there!! 
• Friday... will be our last day here... what to do?? 
• Saturday ... our drive home with a few planned stops in Vegas, and Mesquite (Are you ready for that Cluttered Brain??)

I can go into more details that make these short synopsis more funny and will probably answer a lot of questions. But those stories will come, after I return home.  (Thank goodness my parents have internet at least or I'd be going crazy!!)
And Pictures will have to wait till I'm home as well. It's not working on this computer.