Friday's Myths and Facts _1

Today I sit and wonder about a lot of things! 

MYTH:  I've observed some things since I've moved into our new home in Santaquin just four months ago.  In my head I pictured that the house would not have trash laying about because of my children. I thought they would magically clean up after themselves and that all remnants of anything resembling trash would end up in the garbage can.  

FACT: Said kids leave said trash around said house.  
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MYTH: In my head I imagined that my front room which is termed the piano room would remain my CLEAN and TIDY all the time room. We'd reserve it for chilling in the evenings, and when visiting teachers or friends come over that want a fun room to visit in. 

FACT: Said room is the first stop in the door and said kids above leave their things in there all the time.  Right now there are throw blankets all over the room.  It'd take like five - seven minutes to tidy the whole room up but what am I doing first?  That's right entertaining myself and pumping myself up for a day full of more tasks like that.
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MYTH: I thought I'd never fall down my own stairs because I'd always hold onto the rail as I'm going up or coming down. 

FACT:  Just a few weeks ago I ended up with a sore bum because I was being productive and cleaning trash from my room because I had a late night snack and then fell asleep the night before.  I didn't have a free hand because it was more than one late night snack and right at the bottom of the stairs  BUMP, thump and CRASH.  Needless to say I now take more time coming down but going up I climb it like a stinking monkey. I'm using my hands on the stairs ahead of me and crawling up them like I'm an animal.  (My dog Lexie beats me every time)
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MYTH: I thought I'd be parking in my garage that is attached to my house.  I've never had a home with this setup and was really excited for it. 

FACT: Because of my own doing and wanting to clear space on the inside of the home we moved ALL the boxes and STUFF that we moved in to our house into the garage.  I was only parking in the garage for a few days before I banished my own vehicles from using that space as I had intended.  Now it's on my to do list ASAP because of my pretty new car that I want parked in there.  But these days I have the  motivation of a snail and seem to move very slowly. Maybe it's just the January blues, or maybe I just suck, either way I know it needs to be cleared out.  And half of my mind wants to just load it up and throw it ALL AWAY.  I don't even care what it is. I just want it gone.  But the other half of me thinks that maybe I'll find hidden money in mass quantities and should check every box in there!   Wishful dreaming I know but still it's something I struggle with. 
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MYTH: I thought after Chris died a little over 14 months ago that no man in his right mind would ever want to take on my situation, that being a widow with six kids.  But I was hopeful but not too hopeful back then. 

FACT: Actually there is a man that I have in my life and I love him more than anything. He has come along right when I needed him, and he's helping bring balance back to my life. And I hope that I can do the same for him.  My kids all adore him and he likes all of them and thinks that they are amazing kids.  (Sometimes they aren't though).  Sometime to be determined we'll start a life together, but until then I'm cherishing all the moments we have together and coming up with dreams and plans for the new family unit we'll be in the near future. 

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Stay tuned for next Friday's edition.  I had so much fun with this one, and feel a little bit of my stress and frustrations relieved that I think I'll continue this for an unidentifiable amount of time.  Which means this could be the only one, or it might not.  

Happy Easter - almost 5 months out

So here I am almost 5 months out since my life was turned upside down.  A lot has happened.  A lot is still the same as it can be without him here.  

I've had moments where I can't believe people can be so mean.  I've had moments where I've been completely happy.  This isn't a black and white journey anymore.  Actually it never was.  I can be happy and get ambushed by a wave of emotions and I can be utterly feeling like all hope is lost and then someone comes along and makes me feel like that isn't the case.  

I've had a few more firsts that I've experienced without Chris.   On St. Patty's day I fell off my back steps in the process of rolling my ankle.  I cried. My phone went flying and I was more worried about it then myself for a few seconds at least.  But I still took my kids bowling that night and they loved it.  It was a lot of fun.  

I ended up playing in a basketball tournament game later that week too.  And the last few years he was there in my cheering section. He was my one fan.   And this year wasn't that way.  I did have fun though.  

I've been hitting up the local rec center so I can workout 3 - 4 times a week. And I'm loving how I feel once again.  I really don't know why I got off this wagon years ago.  But I'm back and it's here to stay.  

I've also had a few dates in the last month as well.  Two great men, and lots of laughs and fun times.  It feels good to get out and do something with a male adult! Oh my gosh, I sure wish that life wasn't so unfair to people.  So many different challenges and trials that people have to face and I keep wondering which one isn't so bad?  Which one is the easy trial or challenge?   But I've come to realize that they all stink.  Just because I feel like the one I'm in is the ultimate awful one of losing the love of your life, there are others out there that are being tested to their capacity in different ways. 

I was blessed with a kind, loving and compassionate heart and hearing of people that I care about or those that I just meet and the things they have to deal with really make me empathize with them and I wish I could take away all their hurt and pain.  

This weekend is General Conference and this is the first one without him.  It's been really different and the Saturday morning session was really hard.  I know that we're sealed and will be with each other in the next life but it doesn't make the rest of this one any less lonely.  Today is also Easter.  He was the one that took care of prepping for Easter and not having him here really stinks.   Not having anyone here stinks.   But I guess so goes the course of my life.  I'm such a people person and thrive on that and not having another person around to talk with and share my feelings with is hard.   The lack of affection, is hard.  All those things that you might take for granted you really start to miss.  And even the things that I didn't take for granted I miss as well.  

The kids and I are taking a trip this Spring Break and it's going to be the first road trip without him too.  It will be nice to get away though, I need to rejuvenate my mind and my goals and purpose for being here now. Because what I thought it was before he died is no longer what it is now.  

But since it's Easter I am feeling so much more different about the resurrection. And know that because of Jesus Christ's atonement he overcame death.  And that because of him, my family is eternal.  But knowing all of that still doesn't make the here and now a whole lot easier.   I still have the load of two people fall on just my shoulders.  I keep hearing rely on your friends and family.  Well, it's easier said than done.  I don't want to be a burden on anyone else, and if someone really wants to help then I feel like they can just freely offer and I can accept or decline.   I know that life isn't over when someones earthly life is over.  It is hard to want to go on, but I also know it's worse to sit back and chose to live in the past.  My immediate future is looking great and I'm choosing to be happy. But because of others occasionally my happiness level is reduced.  But on the same token if I feel like I need to cry and get the tears out and the frustration and stresses I don't hold back either.  Yesterday was one of those days.  And my car works as a great privacy sound barrier and I can sound as awful as I need to and nobody can hear me. 

I will cheerfully persevere.  It's not going to be easy but if I can find ways to be happy in the moment all of the sudden I can look back and realize that I made a whole week, or month and was happy.   And this last month has been just that.  I've been happy.  There were a few rough moments but just a few and they didn't last very long.   I'm really glad that I do have two new friends that I can talk to if I need it.  And they are fine with it.  It makes me feel like someone else cares and I can get it out of my system and not keep talking to walls here in my own house.  I am realizing the value of GOOD friends again.  I've gone so many years having Chris as my one GOOD friend but I realize that he's not an option now.  And finding others that aren't going to make me feel bad because of my situation are priceless right now. 

Happy Easter

4 months out ...

So as my life has been going on for the last four months I've had some great things happen, and still happening.  

We have committed to buying and building a house in Santaquin. Hopefully it will be finished by July/August before school starts back up.  It's going to be nice to be somewhere to get a fresh, new start and continue to live life, being happy and helpful to others around me and my family.   We are excited about the bigger house and the new location.   Things are so much slower paced down there, and it still keeps me close to family and friends as needs arise and I need help.  

We're planning a trip to St. George over spring break which will be right after General Conference and Easter.  I need to get away and go somewhere for a change of scenery.  And this will accomplish that.  The kids and I will have a blast I'm sure.  Now to find where I put the printout for the reservations we made.  haha.   

In October we'll be heading to Disneyland!   I'm so excited about that.  Hopefully I don't regret doing this especially being myself with six kiddos.   I must already be insane to attempt something so crazy like this.  But it will give the kids some happy memories and great times with their cousins just a month shy of the 1 year mark.

I hope to take them camping a few times over the summer, but in the midst of packing up this house, I'm not sure how easy it will be.  We've got girls camp in June,  Day camp for Thomas, Youth Trek in July... it's going to be interesting to see how I can make things work out. 

And the most exciting part in my life is that I met someone!  Well I actually meet lots of people, but this person, he is special.   I've had a great time getting to know him, and meeting him in person since we met online.  We've hit it off really well and I haven't laughed so hard in a long, long time.   He helps me feel alive and excited about life again.  It's nice to have someone to care about, and who cares about me.  The kids have met him, and the boys are really excited.  (Probably because he's a pilot, and the boys like his truck)

It's amazing how I never thought I'd be in this spot only 4 months out.  I've made a choice not to be so sad about everything anymore.  I'm done with that part. I want to live life and be happy and that means moving forward.  Sometimes I can't go quite as fast as I'd like because of the kids.  But when I'm planning and doing things I'm so much happier.  So now I'm trying to dig out of the "I don't care" attitude that I had for the first three months and now I'm climbing up and forward once again.   

I know that there will be times when I'll be overcome with emotion in the upcoming days, weeks or months and even throughout the years, but I know that I'm done living in the past thinking of things I've lost or won't be able to do, or for the simple fact that Chris isn't here anymore.   I know he doesn't want me to be sad. He wasn't a sad person and he made me laugh a lot, and (made me frustrated a lot too).   But he doesn't want me to be alone and he doesn't want me to be sad, So I'm choosing to not be sad anymore. And it's almost a miracle that I met such an amazing man so soon.  It's going to be interesting to watch and see where this goes.   It's refreshing and fun to have a special person in my life again.  And this man's hugs are the best!  I really enjoy the time that we get to spend together, and we might have to get creative in the future as to how we can spend time together But if this is meant to be things will just "work" out in a sense.  That's how it's always been for me, and I can only hope that it continues with this situation to.   

I haven't been this happy in such a long time.  I haven't laughed so hard and had a smile plastered to my face in a really long time.  It's fun to have this kind of excitement in my life.  He's a really great guy, and has had his own challenges, but who doesn't.   I'm excited and look forward to getting to know him better.  Maybe it's true that they say great things are still to come.   

I saw a quote the other day that I really liked
" If life can remove someone that you never dreamed of losing,
It can replace them with someone you never dreamt of having."  

I feel completely comfortable with him, and I feel peace about this whole thing.  So for now, I'm going with it.  I find myself deeply smitten with him, and enjoy being with him and talking with him.   It's all good right now.   Crossing my fingers it can stay this way. 

I want to fix this PROBLEM

I was just thinking tonight how I feel like having lost my husband feels like a problem that I need fixed. 

You know much like a problem where you forgot to pay your electricity or gas bill and you need to do something before those things get turned off.  Or where you missed putting gasoline in your car and you are almost out, or you forgot about an important meeting that's starts in 10 minutes but the location is 15 minutes away and you aren't dressed for it.   Or, the darn computer keeps giving you a headache because it operates so slow a snail is able to move faster.    Or you had a fight with your best friend and need to make amends. Or you hit someone's car and know you need to tell them but you can't quite get the nerve to do it.  

All these problems are fixable and sometimes unavoidable, but they all bring inside a person a similar feeling.  I keep feeling lately that there's a solution to this situation I'm in, that somehow I can rewind time and things will be just fine again, or that somehow I'm stuck in a horrific dream and can't quite wake up from it, or sometimes I feel like I missing that one thing I can do to FIX this problem.   

We didn't have any problems, well, at least not when he slipped away.   I'm rather fortunate that things are where they are.  He was preparing for THIS and didn't realize it and neither did I, until IT happened.  

I know that this isn't a fixable problem, at least not in the immediate future.  I'm adjusting to life as a sole parent on Earth and trying to do what a team of two did together, doing it solo now.   I'm finding a groove slowly, it's not easy, not fun (well maybe once in a while), but there are things that were so much better when he was here.  

I've lost pretty much any desire to cook (and I loved to do that before - my poor kids),  I've lost any desire to really "clean" anything or declutter or anything like that.  I've gained more of a desire to need to be with other people, it's weird I'm a people person, so I'm trying to make sure I'm mom when I need to be, but still trying to create who I am now without the man I've been with for the last 16+ years.  

Tears are still coming unannounced.  But really the timing is slightly predictable - during the night, on Sundays, when I'm reading things of spiritual natures, or when I just have silence and start to think about what has changed.  Trying to keep moving forward, but sometimes I don't know which way is really forward because I feel like I've been spinning out of control for the last 11 weeks almost and even longer if you count the month he was sick before he passed away.  I'm trying to find some firm footings somewhere to know where to go and what to do and right now I've got nothing except to find another home.  

It will be bitter sweet, no matter when it is but I know that the only good sleep I've had was when we had our furnace go out and we stayed in Santaquin with my father in law at his home.  The kids loved that and so did I.  

There isn't such thing as normal.  I used to think that there was, but really I keep thinking that everyone that I see could be gone later that same day or the next or in a week.  Life is seriously precious and really is giving me an indication that it's meant to be lived and not feared, but still there is some anxiety when I think that so and so could be next, or heck even myself.  (Of course, I hope not for a very long time). 

And that brings me to the phrase "If we endure it well". I've been learning what that really means the last two months and have gathered that it doesn't simply mean to sit around and not do anything but to really ENJOY and be HAPPY while I'm enduring.  I equate enduring to living.  Granted there is a time for pause while a grieving person is trying to get their feet on solid ground again and head out from the fog that encapsulates it during this time.   But when the dust settles and feet are firmly planted once again, it's time to get to work. 

Again if I haven't said it already I don't wish this on my worst enemy.  Losing someone really brings to light those things that are of worth and worth our time and those things that don't really matter.  I'm not really "living" right now I'm kind of just floating along and in a daze at that.  That's why I'm writing my thoughts down so that I'll remember them later, when I really need to fall back on it.  

And you might have thought we were crazy

So, when Chris and I met we were at school up at Ricks College (then, now it's called BYU Idaho) up in Rexburg, Idaho.   He had been home from his mission for just a few months, not sure exactly how many - it might have been closer to a year actually.   But, we were in the same student ward - which meant we were in the same church congregation.  

We were in this same ward since August when the school year and semester had started in 1997.  But we didn't really get to know each other until a few months later, like January 1998.  We were placed in the same Family Home Evening group and got to see each other every Monday, and quickly we started talking more and more. We would see each other on campus and stop and chat, I may have even missed a class or two just so I could talk with him.   When we met it was in the middle of winter in Rexburg and it was so cold.  So a lot of the time we would sit in his car and talk for hours just getting to know each other.  

A lot of the day to day details are now fuzzy, but one night for FHE he picked me up and threw me over his shoulder and then placed me in a snow bank and held me down for a room mate of mine to white wash my face (rubbing snow all over).  Crazy times.   We went out to Milhollow for frozen yogurt and had a few of my roomies with us, and we talked and visited and held hands under the table like we were trying to hide something like little kids.   It makes me laugh now!   My roomies that came left before we did, and we took our time and were holding hands on the way back.  And we stood out in front of my house that I lived in, under a tree and I thought to myself, that I wasn't kissing another boy unless it was the boy I was going to marry ( I had a kissed a handful or two while at college -- oops)  but we were standing there close to curfew time, facing each other, gazing in to each others eyes - and then we kissed.   Right after that - the lady that managed the place popped her head out and asked if I needed a late pass.  Oh my gosh!  I was almost embarrassed.   After that we said good night, and then life was never the same.  

We were pretty much inseparable after that.  That first kiss was March 16, 1998 - and within a few more weeks of that, we knew we were supposed to get married.  It was quick.  From the time we had our first kiss till we were married, it was 100 days.   Crazy fast yes.  People thought we were nuts.  And we may have been.   But when it's right, it's right.  In April of that year, I graduated with my associates in generals from Ricks College and my parents came up for that. Plus I turned 20 the same day I graduated, so we the four of us went out for lunch or dinner and spent some time together.  This was the first time my parents had met him in person, and they were leery of me and what I was thinking.  Apparently Chris had asked my dad if he could marry me and apparently my Dad couldn't say Yes, fast enough.  The story goes, that my Dad paid Chris to marry me so that he didn't have to take care of me financially anymore.  Haha...  That didn't really happen, it's just the joke.   

I went through the temple for my endowment in May about a month after my birthday and about a month before our wedding date.  In June we were married in the Mt. Timpanogos temple for Time and all Eternity.  And that was the best day of my life!  We felt the need not to wait to have children, so almost immediately we were expecting our first child.   And she was born 10 months after we were married.  We have had several of our kids a bit faster than most people, and though we planned for pretty much all of our children the timing in which they came was a little quicker than what we had planned.  Knowing now, what has happened, I'm glad we didn't hesitate!  As it is, we only got a little over 16 years together here on Earth.  Not nearly enough, and having to adjust my life without him in it every day has been hard, and I'm sure it will continue to be hard.  

So for those who thought we were crazy getting married so young, and only knowing each other for such a short time,  what happened two months ago is exactly why things happened so fast.  I'm so grateful for the time we had together, for the love of a man who was righteous and honored his priesthood.  For a man who was great with his children, and loved spending every minute he could with them.  Who would surprise me with flowers on days when I really needed it.  All these things I'm going to miss in the future, but luckily I have all these things as part of my past and my life with him.  

I never imagined loosing him so soon, and especially not while we still have young children.  I am praying that I can rise to this challenge now that is before me and honor him by doing the things that we had talked about, and the things that were important to us in teaching our kids.  I feel overwhelmed most days because I have a huge load to carry now.  And some days it feels unbearable.  But I know I have something to work harder for now, because I want to see my sweetheart again!  So you might have thought we were crazy - but you know what, I think we were just following God's plan for us.   

Tonight I want to SCREAM!!!

I didn't choose losing my husband at such a young age!  At least not to my current knowledge but I'm under the impression that I signed up for this.   I think I've always sensed this was going to be my lot in life.  

I think he sensed it too.  It was always jokingly, but I think he sensed it.  It's one of those things that when you take the time to look back over impressions and conversations that you see a pattern start to emerge.  Of course, in the midst of every day life you aren't looking for it, and many times it gets overlooked.  Now I don't say this to start making you try to see what might be lying in store in your future, because I'm not.  I'm just saying that for me, I think we both knew this was coming.  We didn't know it in the sense that we really planned for what to do if it did happen, but I think we both just knew.  

Often times he would jokingly (at least it came across as jokingly) that he was going to die when he was 45 (or some young age like that, just not 40) I kept telling him to "Shutup, and quit talking like that."   I of course, didn't want to face a situation of that magnitude because quite frankly it scared me.  Why it scared me, I can't quite explain, but it did.   Often times people are scared of the unknown, and the feelings that linger beneath the surface.  But as I sit back and think about the last several years I can't help but feel like I had moments where that thought would flash in my mind and I would push it aside.  I didn't want to pay attention to it.   Do you blame me?  I don't.  

It's been two months since my sweetheart has passed on, and I have cried so much since then than I thought was ever humanly possible.  I might actually start crying before this is over too, that's just how it works.  In these two months, we've celebrated Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years Eve/Day, our son's 10th birthday, and all of the other day to day stuff that happens.  We've painted our living room to give it a face lift.  I'm changing out furniture because I feel like it, not to mention it's old and needed to be replaced a long time ago.  I've had my furnace stop working over New Years Eve and it was out for a few days, so we stayed at my father in laws house.  It was really refreshing to stay somewhere else for a few nights.  I've had bills to pay, we've gone out to eat a few different times.   I'm now experience my first sickness without him here, and my three year old is sick too.  My kids have missed the bus a few times in the last two months, which has required me to drive them, and often sets back the rest of the morning.  (I'm not a natural morning person so this has been rough)  And what makes it more rough is when you have a difficult time getting to sleep at night.  All the memories creep in, all the thoughts of the good times, an the replaying of the weeks and days leading up to his eventual passing away.  

When he passed away I experienced an intense physical pain.  It wasn't just emotional but I had a physical pain too.  I was now separated from the love of my life, he was my prince charming, he was my man!  And now, he isn't with us physically anymore.  We were one, we were connected in our purpose and in our love for each other.  And now he was just ripped away from me without any warning.  Yes he was sick, but I had hope that he was going to get better.  That was not to be.  

I've learned a lot about myself, and it really isn't awe inspiring or anything but I know that my love for him runs really deep to the core of my being.  And his absence is heartbreaking for sure.  There have been many times and moments where having him here, would make everything not feel so bad but I don't get that now. We were and are a team.  If decisions needed to be made we usually made them together, so now that I've had to make decisions I'm my only sounding board unless I manage to bore someone else with my crazy thoughts.  Which sometimes they can be very off the wall crazy.   He was my stabilizing factor, the person that when things started to go not the way we had planned he'd talk me through it and help me understand and see how things weren't nearly as bad as I perceived them to be at first.

I found that I was relying more on him, then on my Savior Jesus Christ, and my Heavenly Father.  So since then I realized that I needed to change that within myself.  I need to lean on them for strength, peace and comfort.  I've gained a better knowledge of the love that they have for me, and just because they love me and I'm trying to do whats right doesn't mean I'm not going to experience trials and challenges.  And if you ask me - this particular challenge beats them all.   But at the same time, I look at my situation and feel that I'm in a rough spot right now but realize there are others that have it worse then what I'm going through really is.  And I'd rather have this trial then one that another person is struggling with that I think is way more unbearable.   But really, I've also discovered that through these low moments and the darkest of days, I have a source of light to turn to and seek comfort from.   Yes, it might not be tangible like sometimes I long for, but it puts me in a place that brings me closer to my Savior and that much closer to being with my sweetheart again. 

I keep having moments where it just all seems too hard, and too much for me to handle and deal with, which results in a break down of tears and lots of praying to God.  I also have moments where being the sole parent here on Earth is very overwhelming and my kids aren't very cooperative and I just want to SCREAM because it isn't fair!   It's a real feeling, I know, I have it multiple times a week and usually multiple times in a day.   It isn't fair, but it's what my life is now.  I don't wish this on my worst enemy. 

I don't know who I am without him right here beside me.  And that's what this next year is going to be about.  Creating who I am in a world where my sweetheart doesn't live anymore.  I miss him like crazy, and I would like nothing more than to see him once again.  But I know that isn't going to happen, hopefully for a long, long time.  We have six kids that need to be raised and I want to be a grandmother someday. 

I long for companionship, and maybe someday that will happen.  But for now, it's all about me.  Which feels weird too, but I'm reinventing myself, I have to.  If I'm going to survive this.  It's all I can do sometimes to just breath through minute by minute but eventually I know it will get easier, it just isn't that time right now.  

So if you hear a scream off in the distance please know that I'm doing my best, but right now it's feeling very overwhelming to me and not something I'm really enjoying either.   I sometimes just need a release, and sometimes multiple releases.  

Eternal Love

It's been nearly five weeks since our lives were changed forever. 

I have been noticing that a lot of my husbands things are actually falling apart.  His flash drives where all our financial stuff is at - luckily I just bought new ones to transfer everything to.  His shirts were needing to be replaced.  He had a pair of shoes that were causing his knees and back to hurt so we bought new shoes about the time he got sick.  My Dad is now the owner of those practically brand new shoes.  I couldn't just let them sit here and not benefit anyone right now.  

His toothbrushes needed to be replaced - so I tossed those within the first few days.

I took over using his big green bath sheet.
I took over his side of the bed because there is a lamp on that side.  
I took over driving his car, after all it does have great gas mileage. 
I took over his chair at the table.
I took over ... who knows what else.  
I took over hanging the outside Christmas lights.
I took over using his Sam's Club card, since my was misplaced the first week after he passed away.

At some point in the future I'll take over his side of the closet too.  

I need to take over doing the finances.  (I'd rather not, but I need to)
I need to take over giving the kids extra snuggles. 
I need to take over getting guidance from Heavenly Father regarding our family now.
I need to take over planning for my future, instead of the one that we had planned together.
I need to take over ... so many more things too. 
I need to take over training our teenage daughter how to drive.

I have taken up picking up the living room each night before bed. (not perfect, but it's getting there)
I have taken up kissing picture frames, or my kindle screen.  (not the same, but in my mind it helps)
I have taken up praying vocally every night in my room.  (no one else in there, so I'm not bothering anyone)
I have taken up crying in the car almost every time I'm alone. 
I have taken up feeling like I'm a burden to others if I need something done.  (luckily I don't need much)
I have taken up feeling very lonely.  (haven't found anything to alleviate that feeling yet and I probably won't for some time.)

I stopped buying his favorite treats, especially if they weren't mine also.  I'm just so glad that the last thing we shared was a bag of dark chocolate m&m's.  They will always hold a special place in my heart. 

Being kissed by the love of my life has stopped
Being told I'm beautiful has stopped. 
Being told multiple times a day that he loves me has stopped.
Being close to him and looking into his eyes has stopped. 
Being the receiver of his great gifts has stopped. 
Being his lover has stopped.  
Being two people in a marriage has stopped only because one of us has moved onto the next step in eternal progression. 
Asking him about our plans for the day/week/weekend has stopped. 
Asking him about what he thinks has stopped.
Asking him about our finances has stopped. 

All those things that I wish I could have had a little more clarification on has stopped. 
Being able to have him recall details that I forgot has stopped.
Having him at the computer or in the car listening to Dave Ramsey has stopped. 
Having him whistle his awesome whistle has stopped.  

But our love - our LOVE hasn't stopped.  
Our marriage - is still in place however he isn't physically here anymore.
My Testimony - it is still ALIVE and STRONG. 
My Love for God - hasn't stopped, in fact I think it's gotten stronger too.
My learning of the gospel - is still taking place.  
My Love for the TEMPLE - has increased. 
My Faith - has increased.
The Gospel of Jesus Christ is still TRUE!
I'm still seeking after good things. 
Being a Mother hasn't stopped. 
I can still listen to his voice tell me important things I need to know from an audio CD I have.
I can still read his words via a letter that her wrote to me that says he LOVES ME and wants me to be HAPPY and have a SMILE on my face. 
I am his WORLD!  And he was MINE!
Our Love - is ETERNAL.

See what I mean it's not really an end, but a temporary pause.  It feels like an end because we are mortal beings and its just the way we are programmed, but really it's just a little hiccup in life's journey.  I know that if Jesus Christ came to Earth and suffered ALL things for ALL mankind.  Why do I think that just because I'm doing good and trying to be good I shouldn't have hard times also.  Now, I haven't had a trial free life by any means, but I think the biggest and most challenging trial I've faced to date is that of losing my spouse.   I have to now take on the task that two people had set out to do together.  It's a bit of a daunting task, but I know that Heavenly Father is on my side and will help me through.  It's not going to be a walk in the park, but I know that our needs will be met, and that we'll be truly happy - one day.     I know that I do feel jipped that I didn't get 50 years with him here on earth, or that we didn't even make our 20th anniversary.  But, what's a few years whether it's 2, 10 or 50 years being away from him compared to ETERNITY. 

That boy and I are sealed together!  And that means just since he has passed on, that our marriage will continue in the next life.  I just need to keep myself worthy to make it where he already is.  I love looking at his photos, and remembering the stories behind them.   He was great at making me laugh, and great at telling me what I needed to hear even though I didn't want to hear it.   He was great at loving me unconditionally. He wanted me to be happy and he surely made me happy.   

Longest three weeks of my life so far ...

You know, I've learned a lot in just the last three + longest weeks of my life. 

Mostly about the atonement. As a younger person I didn't really understand what the atonement was really all about.  I had the idea that it was just for those that had done something wrong and that was it.  But now, NOW I realize it is so much more than that.  And it's the perfect thing in place for me to lighten the burden that I'm now left with.  And the other day before I went to the temple that realization of what it really was hit me, and so before the temple visit I handed that over to the Lord.  I feel at peace and I feel calm, even though things are really chaotic and crazy.  There are several unknowns in my future, but I feel that with Faith I can move forward and know that things will be okay.   This of course, doesn't take away the pain and hurt I feel in losing Chris, but at least it gives me something to look forward to.  

 I'm realizing now, that I was probably at the peak of my personal and spiritual growth with him here, and that for me to complete my learning and growing he had to go ahead of me. I realize how easy he made life for the kids and I.  He was pretty much perfect with a few bouts of obnoxiousness in there.  

Ben (Chris's brother) and Shantil and there family came by last night and were visiting for a while, and before Ben left I asked him for another priesthood blessing, because I have been having a few rough days where the emotions have been so close to the surface.  And the intense loneliness that I was feeling was so much to feel at once.  So in the blessing, I was assured of the Love my Heavenly Father has for me, and that he is still watchful over our family.   And towards the end of the blessing, it was said, "Your husband is still watching over you, and he is thinking of YOU all the time." 

That was something I had been worried with, if he was even thinking of me, and if he had just forgotten me and the kids.  And that just helped alleviate that concern.  He is so dearly missed, and I feel the ache pretty much every day.  And sometimes still can't believe that this is my life now.  It feels weird to try and move forward, and the idea of being truly happy and feeling joy in the future is hard to grasp.  Chris was the best part of my life, and my greatest blessing and now that he's not physically with me anymore I feel a huge whole in my heart and a deep ache in my body. 

Really quick though ... the other night I was having a rough moment and I was bawling and wailing and the kids were all in bed, and I just wasn't feeling so great about this situation at all, and after what seemed like a long time, I had this simple little thought to go and listen to his talk that he gave at his mom's funeral three months ago.   So I went to the computer and put in the audio CD and found the track that was his.  I can't tell you how soothing hearing his voice was to my soul.  I also had his stick of deodorant and kept taking whiffs and I was looking at a photo of him all at the same time and it brought me a lot of peace right then.  I know sounds silly.  But the part that really struck me in listening to the talk, the words he spoke were in regards to his mother, but it was like he was talking to me specifically and telling me answers to questions that I had been asking for the last several days and weeks since his passing.  So he was talking to me, in his voice and answering questions that I was having and it was amazing how calm I felt by the end of his talk.  He was and is a very wise man, and he was so great at comforting me when I really needed it.  And right now, I just wish he was here to bring me that comfort that I so deeply need.    

Anyway, sorry for the rant, I'm just in what I'm calling widow fog and whatever seems to come to mind seems to find it's way out of my mouth or typed onto the screen. 

We have church in a few hours (1pm) so I should probably make sure my kids start the long line of showers and baths to get everyone ready in time.  

And on a happier note, we'll be heading up to Temple Square tomorrow night (Monday) with Ben and Shantil and their kids to check out the lights.   I'm kind of excited for it.  I'm so glad that they had mentioned they were going to do it and offered the invitation for us to join them.   Because taking the kids anywhere and by myself isn't really desired or fun. So I'm glad we have someone else to go with.  

Not sure how today will turn out, since it's the first Fast Sunday since his passing.  I know the spirit will be strong and my heartache will be there too.  I might need to pack along extra tissues today.

The beginnings of a very long journey

So I feel like my memory isn't going to be very solid for a very long time.  As it is, my memory of the first few days and weeks since my sweethearts passing are a bit of a blur.  And really it's a good thing.  

I remember pleading with the Lord that very night and the next day in between people coming over that he would erase the image that I last had of my sweet husband.   I cried, and cried because it wasn't a very pretty last image.  I just had a death experience three months earlier and it was so peaceful and spiritual and expected and we all came together and shared memories and the spirit in the home was so abundant.   

Now, with this experience from just a little over three weeks ago, which was completely different I find myself really struggling especially the last few days.   I remember lots and I mean LOTS of people stopping in to give me hugs, drop off things, clean up the kitchen - which had been a mess for almost a month since he first got sick and all my attention was spent trying to help him.   I had money given to us, and lots and lots of people giving me assurance that things would be okay.    We had people coming in to drop off food items, going shopping for paper goods, (toilet paper, paper towels, plates, bowls, plastic ware etc..)   

I feel overwhelmed to say the least.  I'm not used to being on this side of the service.  My  husband and I have been on the other side of giving to those in need, and it made us feel so good to help out where and how we could.   So I don't know if it's a bit of a pride thing that's hanging me up, but I find it really hard to be the recipient of such generosity and love.   

On the Saturday after Chris's passing, I was looking for a cassette tape that I know he recorded with the kids.  And I couldn't remember where it had disappeared to.  I had a thought as I was looking at his dresser/nightstand and saw his huge pile of neatly folded clothes and under all of that was a shoe box, and I thought "What if???"   So I removed all the clothes to the bed keeping the pile neat and folded, and sure enough after messing with stuff in the box, I found it.   I put it in the cassette recorder that we had and the only source to play a cassette and nothing on the side that was available to play at first.  So I flipped it over and rewound the tape a little and hit play.   

The first thing I hear is his voice and he's singing Chris LeDoux's  "Look at You Girl".   He always sang that to me and EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. I would end up in tears.   He sang fantastically, and whistled well too.  He was always singing these love songs to me and it melted my heart.   So when I heard him singing one of my favorites that he did, I instantly felt like I was getting a really tight hug.  And that's all I needed to know that I can do this.  No, it won't be easy.  No, it won't be fun.  Yes, I will miss him like crazy.  But it was his way of letting me know that he knew I can do this.  

Granted after the passing of a loved one, the first of everything tends to be really difficult.  But, I'm trying to face them head on.   I know I'm going in the right direction because I'm feeling peace and know in my heart that somewhere in the future I'll look back at this time and realize that it really was a major boost in my spiritual and personal growth.  But right now, I'm just in survival mode.  I can see how some might want to take their own life after such an extreme loss, and a traumatic experience.  No, I don't feel like that at all, because I have a responsibility to my children to continue to raise them.   And I know that my Heavenly Father loves me and is very mindful of my family.   I know the gospel of Jesus Christ is true!!  Families can be together forever and that means beyond the end of our mortal lives.   I know that I will see him again!  I can only imagine how sweet that reunion will be, and I look forward to it, but hopefully not for a very long, long time from now.  I want to enjoy my children growing up and experiencing all their firsts.  And eventually grandchildren when that time comes.   Chris and I are a perfect match for each other.  We made complete sense together.   Yes, life without him is going to be challenging, but that's what is going to make me into the person Heavenly Father wants and needs me to become.  And I don't think I would be able to become that person with my best friend, confidant, lover, and perfect husband remaining at my side.  

This isn't something I ever imagined to be in my life plan, and it's more testimony to me that I'm not in charge of my life really.   I can make plans, but have to be adaptable if reality changes.  Well, my reality has changed in a major way and now it's going to take some time to figure out what to do, and what my goals are now.  Since things that we had talked about and were planning are no longer going to happen.  

Everyone probably realized that we were set to close on a new house, and I've still felt pangs of sadness when I think how small this house feels and know that I was so close to being able to move into my dream house.  But I know that right where we are is the right place for us to be right now.   And I'm so thankful that Heavenly Father was actually showing me tender mercies all along to prepare me for this, but I didn't realize it as it was happening that it would be for an event as this.







I don't wish this on anyone, at an age like mine.  It's going to be rough, I'm going to be lonely, I'm going to be dead tired, and need breaks.  And my kids are going to want me to do "ONE" more thing, and everything that Chris and I did together I know I have to do on my own now.  And I'm overwhelmed to say the least.

My word of advice for those of you with your spouse still with you, if you aren't out of debt right now .... make a vigilant effort to get out of debt now!!!  Luckily we were out of debt earlier this year thanks to our effort of working together on our money matters, and we were ready to start helping others out exactly how we're getting helped out now.  No reason to delay it, you never know when one of you won't be there and trying to be responsible for debt after the passing of someone could be really hard to deal with.  So other than our home we don't have any debt.  I've been trained really well and will continue to use the system that Chris put into place.  He made it so simple and easy.   I thought going onto a budgeted amount of money for buying groceries was difficult and it sucked, but you know what -- I see now how that has helped me.   And I'm so glad my husband was perfect at preparing for the future.   

Knocking on the window

So as I was asleep in my bed earlier, I was awakened by a knocking at the window.  It wasn't very loud but it was the same rhythm that we started years ago when we were first married. And it kept repeating.    

We lived in an apartment that was completely indoors without any exterior openings.  Probably not the most ideal apartment but it was what we could afford and it worked for the time being.  He had school and he worked at Subway.  I was very much pregnant at this time and just sat around our apartment because most of the time I was so sick.   So as he left our apartment every time, he would knock on the wall as he walked back down the hall opposite where our apartment door was.  He knocked three times, which meant "I love you".      And sometimes he would knock on it as he was coming down the hall to come home.  It made my heart jump when I heard it and I was always anxious for his return.  

So while laying in the bed asleep I kept hearing this knocking sound on our window.  I didn't actually look out to see what might have been causing it, but in my mind I was brought back to that time, and as soon as I made a connection that it was him telling me He loved me, the knocking sound stopped.   

He's still around and he's still here, but I'd much rather have him here and tangible.   Boy am I ever anxious for our reunion, but hopefully I get to experience more life with my kids before it's my turn.  It's not going to be easy, but hopefully with time I can enjoy life once again. 

Suffering a Great Loss

As many already know, my husband, my children's father,  Chris Randolph passed away unexpectedly Thursday night November 13, 2014.    

A night that forever changed our lives.  My heart was broken from this sudden loss, and I'm deeply saddened because my best friend, my lover, my husband and the father of my children is no longer with us here physically.   

The pain of the night that it happened is a pain I never want to experience again.  It's so real, it's so painful, and is worse than anything you can imagine.  

I've noticed though, that in telling my story about that night it's getting easier to cope with it.  So I want to share it here for anyone that is interested in knowing what happened.  I can't explain why it happened and I'm not going to attempt to either.  

My husband came home from work on October 17th and said he felt like he was coming down with something.   Sure enough by the next morning he wasn't feeling well at all. He had a fever going on, but was still his playful self.   A week went by with what we thought were symptoms of the flu (in hindsight).  After one week of feeling that bad we went to a family practice clinic to have him checked out.  They did x-rays and blood tests and after 1.5 hours in the office came into the room and said, "Yes, you are definitely SICK!"   They had taken a few chest x-rays and had the radiologist look at them and said, it looks a little hazy but it doesn't look like pneumonia.    He was already having difficulty breathing by this point.  We had been doing breathing treatments at home, and nothing seemed to be making it better.   He was still forcing  himself to go to work though. However, he missed the primary program at church that next day and he felt so bad that he had to miss it.  He just seemed to get worse through the next week.  He was showing up at work later and staying later and his coworkers were telling him he should be at home resting, and I think maybe even said he should be in a hospital for how bad he was.   He was so winded with everything he tried to do.  Just taking a shower was so hard.  

He missed going with our family to an indoor trampoline park a few days before Halloween, and even though it was lots of fun I wished he was there with us too!  We were in the process of buying a new house as well.  Things were seriously crazy!    I was gathering up those papers as I needed them, and had him sign as he needed to.  We were excited for that next adventure in our lives.  The setting was ideal and we were dreaming of all the stuff we could do with it.  On November 1st - later in the day around 9pm or so he was groaning on the bed and it was really as close to crying out in pain as he could get without actually crying.  Must be a man thing ...?? Not sure.     So, I instantly knew we should take him in, but he swore it was a pulled muscle from all the coughing he had been doing.  He said we could go in but lets wait till morning because he was tired and wanted to get some sleep - he was convinced it was a pulled muscle.  I got a little bit annoyed with him and left the room saying that if he didn't want to take my advice that was fine, but I was going to go back to the projects I was working on in the other room.   (Seriously there isn't much I could do to help this situation when he doesn't want the help.)

About two hours later he got up to use the bathroom and called for me and said that I was right.  We should get him in now.   His breathing was labored, it was painful and he felt the need that we should take him in to the ER.   So I told my older girls what was happening.  

We drove to Timpanogos Hospital in Orem, Utah - which is where our insurance is good at.  I pulled up to the ER entrance and ran inside and asked if there was a wheelchair, luckily there was one sitting right there in the hall so I grabbed it and ran back to the van where Chris was still sitting.  We got him in the wheelchair and got him inside the whole while he's holding his right ribcage.  We scanned in his drivers license and the lady behind the desk was printing stuff off and we finally got buzzed through the doors after a few seconds.  We were guided to a room beyond the triage area. They hooked him up to oxygen right away.  And started poking and prodding him with all sorts of needles and such.   They took him for an x-ray and sure enough he had pneumonia in both lungs and it was pretty severe.   The ER doctor told us that he was having us admitted and there started the 9 day stay at Timpanogos Regional Hospital.  He was on oxygen the whole time, he was doing breathing treatments around the clock, he was on morphine the first few days and he was not able to talk very well because his throat was pretty raw from all the coughing the last two weeks.  His appetite was not good.  This was a Saturday night.  Sunday - my hometeacher and his wife brought our family dinner after church that day. After I had a chance to eat I went up and visited with Chris.  A few other members from our ward went to visit him as well.  The visits were great but it was draining him of energy.   His Dad came later that same Sunday and they sat and watched a football game together.  He was there way after I had to leave and get home to my kids.  I hated to say goodnight to him.   I came back the next morning after the kids were at school and had my three year old with me.  We were there for about 5 hours and in that time I had to help him with his shower.  And I mean everything that needs to be done, I did for him.  I kept thinking to myself, if this isn't love, I don't know what is. 

 We spent time together over the next several days, most of it in silence but that was okay.  We just loved being with each other.  We are a team and we love doing things together. That Monday I brought the kids to see their Dad, and it was a circus for sure.   Needless to say I didn't stay very long that visit. The rest of the week had me going in the morning time and then come home for a few hours make sure the kids had food for dinner and then I'd go back in the evening for a few more hours.  Which I would help him brush his teeth, and occasionally we would watch a movie together.  That time was so precious to me now. (In sickness and in health - I was with him all the way)  I really hated leaving at night because I was afraid something would happen to him and I wouldn't be there to help him.  After a few days he didn't need the morphine as often and eventually stopped it altogether middle of the week. About that time his appetite was coming back.   Throughout the week several of his siblings came to visit him, some a few different times. 

I had to fight feeling guilty because I was spending so much time at the hospital while my amazing children were holding down the fort at home.   The kids were amazing through this.  I kept telling Chris how great the kids were being, and as such said, "Go ahead and start netflix for the kids.  Just be sure and tell them that I'm not going soft in the head but it's because they are being so great through this."  So on Friday I set that up for them (us) so that they(we) could be entertained here at home and I wouldn't feel as guilty being gone with my husband at the hospital.  I was forgetting to eat at home, so I would only remember as I was already heading up - so I stopped somewhere pretty  much every day and picked something up to eat back in his room.   We did jamba juice one night and just enjoyed being together.   Oh how I wish I could have that again.   I was getting really antsy for him to be back at home, with the rest of us where he belonged.  But his breathing was still having issues.    Saturday night we were informed that they would do a CT scan the next day to make sure they didn't see anything new or different and that as long as it was okay we could go home on Monday, November 10th.   They performed the CT scan on Sunday morning and nothing new was revealed.  So the doctor felt like it was okay to head home, however, he was hesitant in letting him come home.  Well, it sure took a while to get the okay to leave and come home. The kids enjoyed him being home, and he even had a stay outside in the fresh air bundled up sitting on a chair in the sun.  Esther had finally interacted with her Dad on her own accord, because in the hospital she didn't want anything to do with him.  

We got set up with oxygen here at home, and had a concentrator plugged in.  And I grew a serious appreciation for nurses especially those that cover the night shift.   He basically stayed in the recliner that we have in our living room and I'd still help him with all the things I was already doing while he was in the hospital.   Tuesday was a rough day since he didn't sleep well Monday night, so he had a hard time feeling like he could catch his breath all day. Tuesday night he slept better, and Wednesday was an AWESOME day.  We were finally hopeful that he was on the road to recovery. 

He was smiling most of the day felt really good, he was playing games with Esther, later that night we were watching Quantam Leap on Netflix, and sharing a big bag of dark chocolate m&m's.   And Esther especially loved that daddy was sharing with her!  Things were good, peaceful.  He stayed in the livingroom and I went to my bed to sleep.  Nervous as heck like the previous two nights at home and all the nights while he was in the hospital.  

We woke up the next morning, and from the start he was having a hard time catching his breath.   We headed down to Payson for a Dr. appointment as a followup from the hospital visit.   It was a cold day.  Chris was so winded by the time we got him into the building from the car, and he looked terrible - like he should have been in the hospital.  After a few tests, x-rays and breathing treatments in the office he was looking so much better.   Still extremely winded and difficult to feel like he was getting enough air.   According to the x-rays there he still had the pneumonia clear throughout both lungs and all over in the lungs.   We headed home, and it was now snowing.  And I remember telling him, "Gosh, this is when I wish you were well enough to be driving"  (I hate driving in tricky weather conditions).  

Upon getting home, we had a little bit of time before I had to go get my kids from school.  I remember sitting on my couch after the kids were home and thinking, "Oh man, I've got to go get something figured out for dinner, but I'm so exhausted)    No sooner had I finished saying that, one of our dear neighbors was knocking on the door with an armful of stuff to eat for dinner.  I started to cry when I realized that they were inspired to bring some food over.  Dinner was now taken care of.

My sister in law had come over to do piano lessons with my kids since it was that day of the week.   She brought two of her four kids with her, and we had a houseful of happy fun noise going on.  Chris didn't mind it at all.   Around 6 or 6:30 I proceeded to warm him up some of the food that was brought over which is some of the best stuff around.   And he had about 5 or 6 bites from his bowl before he needed to go use the bathroom.    So we pushed the table away from the recliner, and he got up and walked in there and sat down on the toilet and he was breathing so hard and so heavy (like he normally would when walking into that room, which wasn't very far away) and he asked me to rub his back and shoulders as this has usually helped to calm his breathing down previously and after 10 minutes of me doing that it wasn't getting any better.   Esther our three year old who is potty training and nearly there came running in, I have to go potty!   We only have one bathroom and I started to panic not knowing what I could do so that she wouldn't have an accident but ... the first thought that came, run her next door.  So I ran her over and luckily the neighbor was home and let us use their bathroom.  And as I was leaving, her husband was coming in from being at work or something like that.   I ran back home, and put Esther down, and ran to Chris and saw him laying on the floor between the sink area and the toilet/tub area.    I almost got a little freaked out right then, till I realized he was conscience and I ran up and knelt by him and rubbed his head and asked him if he fell.  He said, that he didn't fall but that he felt light headed, so he laid down.    I ran to get the oxcimeter we bought just a few days ago, that helps monitor the oxygen level, and pulse rate.   The first time I put it on, it read low 70's for his oxygen level and mid 40's for his pulse rate.  Now I started to freak out.   I told him we needed to get him to the hospital.

Because he is a big guy there was no way I could do this on my own.  I ran back next door trying to remain as calm as possible and recruit Kawika.  He came over, and I sent a daughter to the other neighbor to get him.  Chris was down on the floor for at least 30 minutes and could not get up on his own.  We helped get him up to the chair that I put in there and he suggested to swap it out with the black desk chair that has wheels.  Brilliant on his part - like he always is.   So we got him to the black chair, and in this process realized he was covered in sweat - just from laying on the floor.  I knew something wasn't quite right.   

We got him in the car with the help of another friend that was walking by right at that moment and I had pulled the van up onto the lawn so that we didn't have to go to far to get Chris in the car.   Once in, I left and just took off.    (I had already arranged a ride for my 10th grade daughter to get up to the high school since she was part of Pirates of Penzance).     On the way to the hospital before we got on the freeway he was still telling me how to drive.   I could hear him breathing since it was pretty darn audible.  And I was nervous as heck driving him up to Timpanogos hospital where we had just been released three days earlier.   By the time I was at the intersection right in front of the hospital, halfway through the turn, it got eerily quiet and after I finished the turn I looked over and it was pretty.  My sweetheart had stopped breathing on me.  I was crying and pleading that he stay here, and as I pulled into the parking lot he was falling over into me since we hadn't buckled him in.  So I put up a hand to hold him up and his face was so lifeless.  Right then, I knew things were never going to be the same.   I was honking my horn as I was pulling up, and screaming for help.  Luckily two people were walking out just as I pulled up and I fumbled to remember how to get my window down and once I did, I screamed that he wasn't breathing!!   They ran inside and within seconds here came a team of people running out and the first doctor opened up the car to check the situation, and I'm completely hysterically crying he assured me that I did everything I should have.  He wasn't breathing but he had a pulse.  It was a weak pulse, but it was a pulse.    They had a hard time trying to get him from the car to the gurney, and off they went running into the hospital.    I came running, and crying right behind them. 

 The people at the desks were so kind and helpful asking me who they could call for me.  And the first person that came to mind was my sweet sister in law Amy.   I knew her number and they called her.    I hadn't remembered to bring either of our phones so I didn't know anyone else's number.  However, I did remember to bring my kindle fire with me, and left it in the van.  I gave my keys to one of the ladies and told her she could move it out of the way too.   So I pulled up LDS Tools to get my bishops number and from there, I can't quite remember anything else except reaching my parents was pretty hard.  And we managed to call his Dad.      These amazing people were doing there best to make me comfortable and calmed down as much as I could be under those circumstances.   The Dr. was very honest and upfront with me, and said it really was serious and didn't look good.   Remember, I already knew it wasn't going to be the same.   Through a crack in the ER room they pulled him into I could see them doing the chest compressions and that set me off about the reality of the situation, someone noticed my view from there and adjusted the curtain so that I couldn't see.   

Eventually Amy showed up and she had no idea what was going on, other than it was about Chris.   So she was with me, and they had us head back to a private room away from the craziness, and we just cried.  The Dr. came in again and said that they were doing everything they could and had this been a nursing home patient they would have stopped already.   They worked on him for 15 - 20 minutes before they came in and called it.   My bishop was in the room and of course, Amy.   So I wasn't alone, but felt so alone.  

I had some of my good friends from my neighborhood end up at the hospital along with Chris's Dad.   And the whole thing was just surreal.  The doctor told me that when I was ready I could go in and see him.  It took a little bit of time.  I just kept thinking this isn't happening.  My husband didn't just pass away.   

After some time and priesthood blessing from Chris's father, and my bishop I felt like it was time to go see my sweetheart.  They warned me that he had a tube coming out of his mouth.  That he was basically naked, but that a blanket was covering him up.  And they had cleaned the room up.   It was definitely hard to go into the ER room where he was at, but it helped me understand how real this situation really is.  I kissed his forehead, and searched for his hand under the blanket.  His skin was so cold, but he did look peaceful.  His illness was now over.   

But that's when my journey was just beginning.   It's not one I would suggest.  But really the spiritual side of everything I was roaring like a lion, but my heart and body weren't there yet.   They probably won't be for a while, and that's okay.  From what I hear it takes time some longer than others, but it takes time. 

So upon getting ready to leave I had a friend drive my van home with me sitting right where he had just been.  Luckily my role in the van this time wasn't the same so it wasn't too hard for me, but it did take a few days before I got up the courage to face that difficult challenge.    

This story will continue in another post. 

Sad.

Probably not the post you want to read about... but this is what I'm thinking about. 

Sad. Why? 

A friends son was shot in the head and she found him on her front door step several hours after he had been laying there. 

And after being in surgery, found out that he probably wouldn't survive. 

He passed away yesterday (May 17th).  And they have donated his organs. 

I can't even imagine how I would be dealing with this, and wish to let her know that I love her, and pray that she might feel some comfort right now.  What a hard time. 

And to think this happened only a few blocks from my house.  And I was in that very spot just hours before the this took place. 

I can't believe what goes through anyone's mind to be such a coward and not show their face or own up to what has happened.  I hope that the person responsible is caught and dealt with justly. 

I am glad to know that I can help this family out in the coming days as funeral arrangements are made and that maybe by doing this service, she might know of my love for her. 

Even though this son was 32, I am still thinking of holding on tight to my own children.  Because we really never know how long any one really does have here on Earth. 

A little update.

So much has been going on lately... but I have a few minutes so I want to update the blog.

Ethan started preschool with a neighborhood friend. He screamed and cried the first 10 minutes the first week, and then today when I took him he said, " Mom, I'm not gonna cry". And guess what... he walked right in and never cried! It was a completely different story today then it was last time.

This last weekend Chris and I were fortunate enough to do a double date with an old roommate of mine and her husband. We met at Souper Salad up in ..wherever that place is, and had a nice time catching up. ( I love Souper salad by the way and there isn't one down here in Utah County where I live)

Afterward, we headed back to their place, and watched the new Karate Kid with Jackie Chan - It was a cute movie ... but man I can't believe they would have a kid with an on screen kiss who's like 12!! Oh my gosh... it was crazy.

But we had lots of fun, and were definitely in need of it.

I've been busy like crazy trying to get people willing to let me take pictures of them just so I can get some "practice" time in. But I've managed to get four families of varying sizes to agree to let me put them through that kind of torture! But it's okay I'm expecting a new lens and want time to practice using it.

I'm still working on the yearbook this year... and then I'm FINISHED with it. No more ever again. Too many people like to complain, and then we get too many people trying to get us pictures that "STINK" and don't look very good, so it isn't helpful at all.

This year, we're venturing away from doing the Lifetouch way of doing yearbooks, and preparing them on our own using Photoshop and such programs. Really, I don't think it'll be that hard, except when others try to tell you how to do it, when they themselves don't have any experience doing such a thing. Besides, if I have to get volunteer hours in at the school every year, I'd much rather spend it, doing something I enjoy ...such as coaching sports !! I've agreed to do this again next year, so that hopefully the team will actually have a schedule and be a part of the league. Oh well, about another week and half left with this, and then Volleyball will be over. So I need to make sure that a picture gets taken of the team before much longer.

Can we say Team picture Tuesday or Wednesday??? Yeah, one of those might work.

But the more I'm involved with the school, the more I feel like I'm doing something good!!

Anyway... here's a sample of the High School Senior that I did a few weeks ago... I'm looking for a few more so if you live near Utah County in Utah.. and know someone who wants a relatively cheap session... just the cost of prints, give me a call or send me an email.

I'm having lots of fun!!  Developing my talents.