I want to fix this PROBLEM

I was just thinking tonight how I feel like having lost my husband feels like a problem that I need fixed. 

You know much like a problem where you forgot to pay your electricity or gas bill and you need to do something before those things get turned off.  Or where you missed putting gasoline in your car and you are almost out, or you forgot about an important meeting that's starts in 10 minutes but the location is 15 minutes away and you aren't dressed for it.   Or, the darn computer keeps giving you a headache because it operates so slow a snail is able to move faster.    Or you had a fight with your best friend and need to make amends. Or you hit someone's car and know you need to tell them but you can't quite get the nerve to do it.  

All these problems are fixable and sometimes unavoidable, but they all bring inside a person a similar feeling.  I keep feeling lately that there's a solution to this situation I'm in, that somehow I can rewind time and things will be just fine again, or that somehow I'm stuck in a horrific dream and can't quite wake up from it, or sometimes I feel like I missing that one thing I can do to FIX this problem.   

We didn't have any problems, well, at least not when he slipped away.   I'm rather fortunate that things are where they are.  He was preparing for THIS and didn't realize it and neither did I, until IT happened.  

I know that this isn't a fixable problem, at least not in the immediate future.  I'm adjusting to life as a sole parent on Earth and trying to do what a team of two did together, doing it solo now.   I'm finding a groove slowly, it's not easy, not fun (well maybe once in a while), but there are things that were so much better when he was here.  

I've lost pretty much any desire to cook (and I loved to do that before - my poor kids),  I've lost any desire to really "clean" anything or declutter or anything like that.  I've gained more of a desire to need to be with other people, it's weird I'm a people person, so I'm trying to make sure I'm mom when I need to be, but still trying to create who I am now without the man I've been with for the last 16+ years.  

Tears are still coming unannounced.  But really the timing is slightly predictable - during the night, on Sundays, when I'm reading things of spiritual natures, or when I just have silence and start to think about what has changed.  Trying to keep moving forward, but sometimes I don't know which way is really forward because I feel like I've been spinning out of control for the last 11 weeks almost and even longer if you count the month he was sick before he passed away.  I'm trying to find some firm footings somewhere to know where to go and what to do and right now I've got nothing except to find another home.  

It will be bitter sweet, no matter when it is but I know that the only good sleep I've had was when we had our furnace go out and we stayed in Santaquin with my father in law at his home.  The kids loved that and so did I.  

There isn't such thing as normal.  I used to think that there was, but really I keep thinking that everyone that I see could be gone later that same day or the next or in a week.  Life is seriously precious and really is giving me an indication that it's meant to be lived and not feared, but still there is some anxiety when I think that so and so could be next, or heck even myself.  (Of course, I hope not for a very long time). 

And that brings me to the phrase "If we endure it well". I've been learning what that really means the last two months and have gathered that it doesn't simply mean to sit around and not do anything but to really ENJOY and be HAPPY while I'm enduring.  I equate enduring to living.  Granted there is a time for pause while a grieving person is trying to get their feet on solid ground again and head out from the fog that encapsulates it during this time.   But when the dust settles and feet are firmly planted once again, it's time to get to work. 

Again if I haven't said it already I don't wish this on my worst enemy.  Losing someone really brings to light those things that are of worth and worth our time and those things that don't really matter.  I'm not really "living" right now I'm kind of just floating along and in a daze at that.  That's why I'm writing my thoughts down so that I'll remember them later, when I really need to fall back on it.  

Tonight I want to SCREAM!!!

I didn't choose losing my husband at such a young age!  At least not to my current knowledge but I'm under the impression that I signed up for this.   I think I've always sensed this was going to be my lot in life.  

I think he sensed it too.  It was always jokingly, but I think he sensed it.  It's one of those things that when you take the time to look back over impressions and conversations that you see a pattern start to emerge.  Of course, in the midst of every day life you aren't looking for it, and many times it gets overlooked.  Now I don't say this to start making you try to see what might be lying in store in your future, because I'm not.  I'm just saying that for me, I think we both knew this was coming.  We didn't know it in the sense that we really planned for what to do if it did happen, but I think we both just knew.  

Often times he would jokingly (at least it came across as jokingly) that he was going to die when he was 45 (or some young age like that, just not 40) I kept telling him to "Shutup, and quit talking like that."   I of course, didn't want to face a situation of that magnitude because quite frankly it scared me.  Why it scared me, I can't quite explain, but it did.   Often times people are scared of the unknown, and the feelings that linger beneath the surface.  But as I sit back and think about the last several years I can't help but feel like I had moments where that thought would flash in my mind and I would push it aside.  I didn't want to pay attention to it.   Do you blame me?  I don't.  

It's been two months since my sweetheart has passed on, and I have cried so much since then than I thought was ever humanly possible.  I might actually start crying before this is over too, that's just how it works.  In these two months, we've celebrated Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years Eve/Day, our son's 10th birthday, and all of the other day to day stuff that happens.  We've painted our living room to give it a face lift.  I'm changing out furniture because I feel like it, not to mention it's old and needed to be replaced a long time ago.  I've had my furnace stop working over New Years Eve and it was out for a few days, so we stayed at my father in laws house.  It was really refreshing to stay somewhere else for a few nights.  I've had bills to pay, we've gone out to eat a few different times.   I'm now experience my first sickness without him here, and my three year old is sick too.  My kids have missed the bus a few times in the last two months, which has required me to drive them, and often sets back the rest of the morning.  (I'm not a natural morning person so this has been rough)  And what makes it more rough is when you have a difficult time getting to sleep at night.  All the memories creep in, all the thoughts of the good times, an the replaying of the weeks and days leading up to his eventual passing away.  

When he passed away I experienced an intense physical pain.  It wasn't just emotional but I had a physical pain too.  I was now separated from the love of my life, he was my prince charming, he was my man!  And now, he isn't with us physically anymore.  We were one, we were connected in our purpose and in our love for each other.  And now he was just ripped away from me without any warning.  Yes he was sick, but I had hope that he was going to get better.  That was not to be.  

I've learned a lot about myself, and it really isn't awe inspiring or anything but I know that my love for him runs really deep to the core of my being.  And his absence is heartbreaking for sure.  There have been many times and moments where having him here, would make everything not feel so bad but I don't get that now. We were and are a team.  If decisions needed to be made we usually made them together, so now that I've had to make decisions I'm my only sounding board unless I manage to bore someone else with my crazy thoughts.  Which sometimes they can be very off the wall crazy.   He was my stabilizing factor, the person that when things started to go not the way we had planned he'd talk me through it and help me understand and see how things weren't nearly as bad as I perceived them to be at first.

I found that I was relying more on him, then on my Savior Jesus Christ, and my Heavenly Father.  So since then I realized that I needed to change that within myself.  I need to lean on them for strength, peace and comfort.  I've gained a better knowledge of the love that they have for me, and just because they love me and I'm trying to do whats right doesn't mean I'm not going to experience trials and challenges.  And if you ask me - this particular challenge beats them all.   But at the same time, I look at my situation and feel that I'm in a rough spot right now but realize there are others that have it worse then what I'm going through really is.  And I'd rather have this trial then one that another person is struggling with that I think is way more unbearable.   But really, I've also discovered that through these low moments and the darkest of days, I have a source of light to turn to and seek comfort from.   Yes, it might not be tangible like sometimes I long for, but it puts me in a place that brings me closer to my Savior and that much closer to being with my sweetheart again. 

I keep having moments where it just all seems too hard, and too much for me to handle and deal with, which results in a break down of tears and lots of praying to God.  I also have moments where being the sole parent here on Earth is very overwhelming and my kids aren't very cooperative and I just want to SCREAM because it isn't fair!   It's a real feeling, I know, I have it multiple times a week and usually multiple times in a day.   It isn't fair, but it's what my life is now.  I don't wish this on my worst enemy. 

I don't know who I am without him right here beside me.  And that's what this next year is going to be about.  Creating who I am in a world where my sweetheart doesn't live anymore.  I miss him like crazy, and I would like nothing more than to see him once again.  But I know that isn't going to happen, hopefully for a long, long time.  We have six kids that need to be raised and I want to be a grandmother someday. 

I long for companionship, and maybe someday that will happen.  But for now, it's all about me.  Which feels weird too, but I'm reinventing myself, I have to.  If I'm going to survive this.  It's all I can do sometimes to just breath through minute by minute but eventually I know it will get easier, it just isn't that time right now.  

So if you hear a scream off in the distance please know that I'm doing my best, but right now it's feeling very overwhelming to me and not something I'm really enjoying either.   I sometimes just need a release, and sometimes multiple releases.  

A fairytale, or not a fairytale -- that is the question.

I just keep thinking how my life with Chris was almost like a fairytale.  And the fairytale has been interrupted for who knows how long.  

If it weren't for the photos and my own memories, it would feel like the last 16 years of my life were just a dream, and now real life begins.  I often remember when something would come into the lives of people that I cared about, it made my heart ache for them in that situation.  And when people would willingly choose to do something that wasn't quite smart, it hurt too.   I would often ask Chris, why I cared about people so much?  Because if I didn't care about them, it wouldn't hurt!   I don't remember exactly how he would respond but basically his message was that that's who I am, I am a person that cares deeply for others, and hurt when they hurt and mourn when they mourn.   And that this is how God wants us to be.  He wants us to care for others, and love them, and serve them, and when they are hurting for whatever reason we should be there with them, to help them carry that burden.  

I'm naturally someone who likes to get out and help others as much as possible, and right now, I'm finding it hard to want to do that, because I don't have the energy, I'm too tired, or I'm just trying to discover who I am now.  It's been over a month since my sweetheart was called back home, and it feels like forever!  (I know, I'll probably keep saying that over and over, but that's how it feels.) 

Trying to rebuild my life without him being right beside me is going to be challenging and hard.  This isn't something I asked for, nor did I want it.  At least not to my knowledge.  It feels like a huge prank gone bad, and really don't like it.  

I realize that there are things I will probably want to go and do, but I have no one to go and do them with, and I don't want to be a third wheel either.  So trying to deal with those emotions has been challenging too.  I don't know what to do half the time, and I'm just trying to get through one day at a time and sometimes like today it's getting through one minute, or hour at a time. 

People keep asking me what I need, and really what am I supposed to say to that?  Oh, my kitchen is falling apart STILL, and I can't seem to make meals EVER, my livingroom is picked up one minute and 10 minutes later it's a MESS.  My toilet is having issues, my bathroom wall is falling apart, I'm falling apart, I'm exhausted, but I have so many things to do but they still aren't getting done.  How about, I almost had a dream home - Can you go ahead and make that magically happen?   I miss having a my man's arms holding me tight, what can you do about that, where I'm not going to feel awkward?   I'm lonely, and want to be around people and I have absolutely nothing to do, but everyone else is busy.  My husband is gone, can you bring him back?     Yes, see it's almost impossible to answer that question, because I will probably try and push it aside as if everything is okay when in fact and in reality everything is not okay.   

I constantly look at him in our family photo from a few years ago and just stare at him.  And I feel that in this case staring isn't bad.  I keep trying to remember what exactly it felt like to have him hold me tight, and it's starting to fade from my mind.  And that makes me sad.  I don't know how to feel about looking at all of his things everywhere.   I like them there, but I don't.  (See what I mean, you can't really define anything)  

My sons are great for giving me hugs, and my nearly 10 year old son is getting so big that his strong arms are starting to feel like a great substitute for his father.   I made him promise me that he would give me a hug WHENEVER I needed one and he said, Of course Mom!   And I told him that I'd give him one whenever he needed one.    

It's almost crazy how life can be redefined in a matter of minutes when the makeup of a family changes.  Whether it's through divorce or death.   I'm not comparing the two just the fact that life gets shaken up.  I'm trying to find what my purpose is now, when for so many years I was focusing on making our marriage stronger (with the exception of when I got a little sidetracked).  Now that I don't have our marriage to work on really -- what do I do now?    

I hate feeling alone, and I don't want to feel like I have to contact others, it would be so much easier if others could just drop in realizing that my place may look like a trash hole, which is embarrassing but sometimes instead of doing some kind of chore maybe I just need someone to come by that I feel really is concerned.  Sometimes it's just a shoulder to cry on that I need.  Someone there to help me feel like I'm not alone, even though I know that I'm not, but really it feels like it when all the tears come when I'm by myself.  

I feel like no one is really going to understand because if you haven't been through this (the loss of a spouse) you aren't really going to know a portion of what it feels like.  My heart still aches every day for the loss I have gone through and am still dealing with and trying to process.  I have an underlying feeling of sadness and loneliness ALL THE TIME.    It's apparently part of the process of grieving, and I still stand by the fact that my spirit is roaring like a lion but my heart and body aren't quite there yet.  

I find writing all my thoughts down right now, are the only way I can "Talk" about what I'm feeling because my other half isn't here with me to really tell it to.  I wish he was, oh how I wish he was!  

Longest three weeks of my life so far ...

You know, I've learned a lot in just the last three + longest weeks of my life. 

Mostly about the atonement. As a younger person I didn't really understand what the atonement was really all about.  I had the idea that it was just for those that had done something wrong and that was it.  But now, NOW I realize it is so much more than that.  And it's the perfect thing in place for me to lighten the burden that I'm now left with.  And the other day before I went to the temple that realization of what it really was hit me, and so before the temple visit I handed that over to the Lord.  I feel at peace and I feel calm, even though things are really chaotic and crazy.  There are several unknowns in my future, but I feel that with Faith I can move forward and know that things will be okay.   This of course, doesn't take away the pain and hurt I feel in losing Chris, but at least it gives me something to look forward to.  

 I'm realizing now, that I was probably at the peak of my personal and spiritual growth with him here, and that for me to complete my learning and growing he had to go ahead of me. I realize how easy he made life for the kids and I.  He was pretty much perfect with a few bouts of obnoxiousness in there.  

Ben (Chris's brother) and Shantil and there family came by last night and were visiting for a while, and before Ben left I asked him for another priesthood blessing, because I have been having a few rough days where the emotions have been so close to the surface.  And the intense loneliness that I was feeling was so much to feel at once.  So in the blessing, I was assured of the Love my Heavenly Father has for me, and that he is still watchful over our family.   And towards the end of the blessing, it was said, "Your husband is still watching over you, and he is thinking of YOU all the time." 

That was something I had been worried with, if he was even thinking of me, and if he had just forgotten me and the kids.  And that just helped alleviate that concern.  He is so dearly missed, and I feel the ache pretty much every day.  And sometimes still can't believe that this is my life now.  It feels weird to try and move forward, and the idea of being truly happy and feeling joy in the future is hard to grasp.  Chris was the best part of my life, and my greatest blessing and now that he's not physically with me anymore I feel a huge whole in my heart and a deep ache in my body. 

Really quick though ... the other night I was having a rough moment and I was bawling and wailing and the kids were all in bed, and I just wasn't feeling so great about this situation at all, and after what seemed like a long time, I had this simple little thought to go and listen to his talk that he gave at his mom's funeral three months ago.   So I went to the computer and put in the audio CD and found the track that was his.  I can't tell you how soothing hearing his voice was to my soul.  I also had his stick of deodorant and kept taking whiffs and I was looking at a photo of him all at the same time and it brought me a lot of peace right then.  I know sounds silly.  But the part that really struck me in listening to the talk, the words he spoke were in regards to his mother, but it was like he was talking to me specifically and telling me answers to questions that I had been asking for the last several days and weeks since his passing.  So he was talking to me, in his voice and answering questions that I was having and it was amazing how calm I felt by the end of his talk.  He was and is a very wise man, and he was so great at comforting me when I really needed it.  And right now, I just wish he was here to bring me that comfort that I so deeply need.    

Anyway, sorry for the rant, I'm just in what I'm calling widow fog and whatever seems to come to mind seems to find it's way out of my mouth or typed onto the screen. 

We have church in a few hours (1pm) so I should probably make sure my kids start the long line of showers and baths to get everyone ready in time.  

And on a happier note, we'll be heading up to Temple Square tomorrow night (Monday) with Ben and Shantil and their kids to check out the lights.   I'm kind of excited for it.  I'm so glad that they had mentioned they were going to do it and offered the invitation for us to join them.   Because taking the kids anywhere and by myself isn't really desired or fun. So I'm glad we have someone else to go with.  

Not sure how today will turn out, since it's the first Fast Sunday since his passing.  I know the spirit will be strong and my heartache will be there too.  I might need to pack along extra tissues today.