A fairytale, or not a fairytale -- that is the question.

I just keep thinking how my life with Chris was almost like a fairytale.  And the fairytale has been interrupted for who knows how long.  

If it weren't for the photos and my own memories, it would feel like the last 16 years of my life were just a dream, and now real life begins.  I often remember when something would come into the lives of people that I cared about, it made my heart ache for them in that situation.  And when people would willingly choose to do something that wasn't quite smart, it hurt too.   I would often ask Chris, why I cared about people so much?  Because if I didn't care about them, it wouldn't hurt!   I don't remember exactly how he would respond but basically his message was that that's who I am, I am a person that cares deeply for others, and hurt when they hurt and mourn when they mourn.   And that this is how God wants us to be.  He wants us to care for others, and love them, and serve them, and when they are hurting for whatever reason we should be there with them, to help them carry that burden.  

I'm naturally someone who likes to get out and help others as much as possible, and right now, I'm finding it hard to want to do that, because I don't have the energy, I'm too tired, or I'm just trying to discover who I am now.  It's been over a month since my sweetheart was called back home, and it feels like forever!  (I know, I'll probably keep saying that over and over, but that's how it feels.) 

Trying to rebuild my life without him being right beside me is going to be challenging and hard.  This isn't something I asked for, nor did I want it.  At least not to my knowledge.  It feels like a huge prank gone bad, and really don't like it.  

I realize that there are things I will probably want to go and do, but I have no one to go and do them with, and I don't want to be a third wheel either.  So trying to deal with those emotions has been challenging too.  I don't know what to do half the time, and I'm just trying to get through one day at a time and sometimes like today it's getting through one minute, or hour at a time. 

People keep asking me what I need, and really what am I supposed to say to that?  Oh, my kitchen is falling apart STILL, and I can't seem to make meals EVER, my livingroom is picked up one minute and 10 minutes later it's a MESS.  My toilet is having issues, my bathroom wall is falling apart, I'm falling apart, I'm exhausted, but I have so many things to do but they still aren't getting done.  How about, I almost had a dream home - Can you go ahead and make that magically happen?   I miss having a my man's arms holding me tight, what can you do about that, where I'm not going to feel awkward?   I'm lonely, and want to be around people and I have absolutely nothing to do, but everyone else is busy.  My husband is gone, can you bring him back?     Yes, see it's almost impossible to answer that question, because I will probably try and push it aside as if everything is okay when in fact and in reality everything is not okay.   

I constantly look at him in our family photo from a few years ago and just stare at him.  And I feel that in this case staring isn't bad.  I keep trying to remember what exactly it felt like to have him hold me tight, and it's starting to fade from my mind.  And that makes me sad.  I don't know how to feel about looking at all of his things everywhere.   I like them there, but I don't.  (See what I mean, you can't really define anything)  

My sons are great for giving me hugs, and my nearly 10 year old son is getting so big that his strong arms are starting to feel like a great substitute for his father.   I made him promise me that he would give me a hug WHENEVER I needed one and he said, Of course Mom!   And I told him that I'd give him one whenever he needed one.    

It's almost crazy how life can be redefined in a matter of minutes when the makeup of a family changes.  Whether it's through divorce or death.   I'm not comparing the two just the fact that life gets shaken up.  I'm trying to find what my purpose is now, when for so many years I was focusing on making our marriage stronger (with the exception of when I got a little sidetracked).  Now that I don't have our marriage to work on really -- what do I do now?    

I hate feeling alone, and I don't want to feel like I have to contact others, it would be so much easier if others could just drop in realizing that my place may look like a trash hole, which is embarrassing but sometimes instead of doing some kind of chore maybe I just need someone to come by that I feel really is concerned.  Sometimes it's just a shoulder to cry on that I need.  Someone there to help me feel like I'm not alone, even though I know that I'm not, but really it feels like it when all the tears come when I'm by myself.  

I feel like no one is really going to understand because if you haven't been through this (the loss of a spouse) you aren't really going to know a portion of what it feels like.  My heart still aches every day for the loss I have gone through and am still dealing with and trying to process.  I have an underlying feeling of sadness and loneliness ALL THE TIME.    It's apparently part of the process of grieving, and I still stand by the fact that my spirit is roaring like a lion but my heart and body aren't quite there yet.  

I find writing all my thoughts down right now, are the only way I can "Talk" about what I'm feeling because my other half isn't here with me to really tell it to.  I wish he was, oh how I wish he was!  

"Dear God, was that really necessary?"

So,  I had a friend that passed away a year ago today.   He was in our ward along with his wife for a short time, and he was assigned to be our home teacher.  He was great with the kids, and they all loved him, we all did.  He was faithful in coming, and his smile was so contagious.   He had a big heart and was kind to everyone that I saw him interact with.   However, they had moved out before he had passed away, and they were expecting their first child.  It was a very touching story, and my heart ached, and I cried, and cried because I felt so sad for her, and what her life was now going to be like.  Little did I realize then what my own life would be like less than one year later. 

Well, I too am now taking the journey his sweet wife has been on for a year now.  I often looked to her for a source of strength while she was going through this, and though how amazing she was.   Well, I just sent her a message and realized it expressed a lot of my personal feelings that I wanted to preserve on my blog as well.  

"Oh Erica, my heart is hurting for you all over again! It's been 1 month today that my husband passed away and it feels like a lifetime or two. I can hardly see myself in a year ... I have similar feelings of guilt at least right at first because I kept thinking I should have taken my husband to the hospital sooner and I should have done this differently. And then I thought his family wouldn't like me anymore and would blame me for this ... and all of that I know isn't true, but as a human those were thoughts that I had coming from my brain.

Most days I feel like blah, and other days I feel like more blah... but I look back on just the few weeks that have passed and realize that I'm not the same I was a month ago. I miss my husband as much as I'm sure you miss yours, and I hate that anyone has to suffer this way too. I find myself crying in the car most of the time or late at night. And the only words I ever seem to get muttered are "I miss you like crazy , (or so much) and I love you, I need you." IN some order those get muttered and that's about it. This ache is deep and hurts like nothing I've ever felt before.

I know that I had a little bit more time with Chris than you were able to have with Josh, but when it's love, it's love and feels like they were taken way too soon.

I'm having a rough time trying to figure out who I'm supposed to be now. For so long it was the "two of us" and what our dreams were, and our plans, and now all of those have come crashing to the ground. So now I have to set out to try and find out who I am without the love of my life right beside me, but really I am clueless on where to even begin to look.

I was washing dishes the other night and was set off in a bout of crying because I realized that he wasn't coming through the kitchen door anytime soon to come up behind me and put his arms around my waist and kiss my neck and talk with me. It's crazy how simple little things or tasks or words will bring a flood of emotion to the surface.

Sorry this got a little wordy, I should just transfer this to my blog now that I'm thinking about it. But I just want you to know that I was thinking about you today, and my act of service was going to visit with Chris' father who lost his wife just three months before Chris passed away. And that brightened his day to have us go down to Santaquin to visit. - Just thought I'd let you know. I know we didn't know each other well before you moved out, but I love you as much as I loved having Josh as our home teacher! If I can help you out with anything or you need someone to talk with that might be able to relate a little better please just call, or stop by .

Hugs to you on a very difficult day. "

I did have a few great days in a row, and then yesterday (Friday December 12) I had a rough day again. The tears just don't seem to end, like ever!  But I'm guessing this will be the ride I'm in for, for the next little while.   I've been relieved regarding our financial situation now that our provider isn't physically able to, but really he still is, because he was such a hard worker and paid into a system that will now pay us back.  I hate that it comes to this, but I'm so grateful to know that this resource is available.   

I was talking with my sister in law Shantil today, and I was saying how before his passing, my life was always full of ways to strengthen our marriage.  And all the dreams and plans we had centered around "US".  Now that half of "US" is gone, there isn't a marriage to be strengthened right now, and there isn't an "US" in that sense anymore.   So I'm having a hard time trying to know what direction I go in, what it is that needs to happen.  I surely hope that I'm going to get the personal revelations regarding my family now, since my resident priesthood holder isn't on the premises in an earthly sense anymore.  

This isn't a job meant for one person, and I often want to repeat the lines from "Fiddler on the Roof" when Tevye says this, " Dear God, Was that really necessary?"   

So right now, I've got nothing, except trying to make it through each day.  I know the tears are good, and I need to work through this grief, but man oh man ... I keep wondering who got the short end of the stick?  I feel like he might have it a bit better right now, and I feel it's totally not fair to have to raise our children alone.  I feel I'm not going to do as good of a job teaching them everything they need to learn and know and that scares me a bit.  (Okay who am I kidding, it scares me A LOT!)