16 months and counting ....

As a widow for the last 16 months now, I've learned a lot, I've made mistakes, I've had great triumphs and many blessings, I have even laughed a lot! The one thing that still affects me though, is the overwhelming sense of feeling isolated and alone. I'm normally very outgoing, and chatty, and a big goober, but lately I'm feeling insecure, inadequate and overwhelmed. I think this is true with a lot of people in my case - and trying to carry the load of two parents for six children hasn't been that easy. I forget things, like starting a load of laundry late Saturday night so my son has clean clothes for church on Sunday morning, only to realize that I don't have any detergent anywhere in my house. So it required a late night run to Walmart to buy detergent.

Dinners happen whenever I feel the urge to actually cook. And then I get cool mom points if the kids actually eat it. I forget to call the school when my child has been sick, and then if I forget too many times I get the letter from the school that sheds major light onto my future ... yes, then I jump into this needs to be taken care of mode and everything else can wait. Or I'm not on my game to check that the teen car has gas in it when they leave, because I don't drive that car, and then have to go and "Rescue" the kids before it's a real rescue. Losing a debit card, because I was lazy and put it in my pocket instead of my purse/wallet and it fell out somewhere in the HOGLE ZOO - yeah not one of my better moments, but I won't tell you that it wasn't my first time losing the card, but it was my first time losing it at the zoo.

I've gone on a few trips with my kids and we've survived. I'm not sure how, and not sure why but we did, and those have been some of the best memories yet. I'm glad, because my kids need good memories to replace some not so great ones.

I get tired A LOT! I get BORED sometimes, and I only have so much energy to do things with and for the kids before I need to be recharged.

I have moments where I cry! The major ugly crying! ANd I have no reason why except that I'm feeling the pains of no one to talk to or be with at that moment. And the crazy thing is, it will always hit way late at night and I can't do anything about it anyway. So I have a good cry and then wake up the next day and push forward.

I'm trying to create dreams and plans for my life, but sometimes I think the easiest way is to just "ROLL" with it. I find more happiness in just being in the moment rather than looking too far ahead at what should/could/ will happen.

I've had dark moments, moments that I don't know what I was feeling, moments where I was extremely happy, and moments where I feel intense love from my father in heaven.

This journey isn't yours, but it is mine. I'm trying to handle it with dignity and strength, but sometimes, you lose sight of what's really important because lets face it, we're still human and mortal and have imperfect thoughts, and actions however, big or little they may be. What is important is that we strive to continually make course corrections no matter how little to get it going in the right direction so we end up where we want to be. It's so easy to get distracted, but as soon as we realize it, we are free to get back on task and make progress again.

Along the way we'll have people that point fingers at us, or we have people leave our lives, and as sad as that can be sometimes, there are better things ahead. It's all about faith! And for me it's a huge test right now. And I'm doing the best I can. What I need are people who encourage me, people who support me - no matter how dumb my ideas are, people who will laugh with me and not just at me, I need people who will uplift me and make me want to keep continuing, people who will cry with me when that is needed, people who offer an evening away for a sanity break, I need people who will say HI, and smile when you see me out and about. I need people who will love me for who I am and not judge me based on what I'm not doing right in your eyes. I need people who will step up and help out with my kids and make them feel loved and appreciated to. I need people who

I have found love again, and though it hasn't been easy to start over, it's been so worth it. Because we are two imperfect people trying to build a new relationship, and it takes time, energy and effort to make something last. It feels good to have someone who loves me, and just his sheer presence makes me HAPPIER, and I feel so awesome and good when we're together. It's a journey and I'm finding ways to enjoy it as I go along. And reasons to laugh - like keeping a red-box movie or two for about three weeks and then having to pay that crazy fine. See - I'm not perfect, I'm not beating myself up, but I do have a great red charger I can hop in and drive if I get feeling to overwhelmed and frustrated!

So those who want to know how I'm really doing? I'm doing okay! I have great days, and terrible days and everything in between. I try to find humor in everyday and laugh. My kids are doing okay! Same applies to them. I do think that losing their dad at a young age has propelled them into being very responsible people a lot sooner. They are still pesky goobers that make a lot of noise and never like what I make for dinner, and leave trash every where but I love them and they are all that I'm trying to survive for. So I don't have a plague, I'm not disturbed (well mostly I'm not), but I am just like you but with a very tender and sometime sad heart. I'm not scary to approach, and I have no problem talking about my story. Ask my kids how they are doing, because they have been suffering from this too.

I have a few goals, I have some ideas, and I'm trying bit by bit to make a life happen for myself that I can look back on and know I didn't waste any opportunity. Now I won't indulge in eating exotic foods, but it would be nice to travel someday and hopefully I can make that a reality. But on my own - NO WAY! With any or all kids - NO WAY! At least not until they are grown.

Now that I've wasted the last hour of your life while you waded through my jumbled words carry on and remember you don't know what anyone else is really struggling with, so try not to judge someone based on how they interact with you.

I've made it 9 plus months as a widow

I think it's time for an update on my life as a widow:

So, I am almost 9 and half months out and I've sold my previous two vehicles replaced them with two different ones. Have a Tahoe that I love!

I've registered my kids in new schools closer to where we'll be living hopefully soon. I've signed papers back in February for having a new home built that we would want to move into. I've been dealing with all the ups and downs of the home building process which include delays, seeing visible progress and getting excited when the flooring was laid and I had most of a kitchen put in.

I've kept my kids alive. Showers, and enough sleep, and whether they had decent food to eat were always optional. (Hey I can't do everything!) they had plenty of amazing friends to play with and make memories with.

I decided to purchase a projector for the awesome use of watching movies outdoors. Guess who's house will rock next summer in Santaquin? That's right our house!

I have decided to go back to school and that starts in September. I've also decided to take a LONG trip with my kids to California in October and to attend an all school reunion for TRONA high school. And follow that up with a few days at Disneyland and a trip to the beach! I ordered a rack for the hitch of my tahoe and the big 15 sq ft of space bag that can be used to go with it for use on this specific trip.

I've also taken my kids camping right alongside their Aund and Uncle and cousins. There are things I'm doing that I never thought I could have done all those months ago. Here I am doing them. I'm living them. I'm coming up with my new plans and goals. I'm drawing myself to Christ and to God, and rely on them for daily strength. Sometimes I am not sure how the heck I make it from one day to the next or even minute to minute, but somehow I am. And I know it's because of my faith.

I've taken a spontaneous overnight trip out of state and left my kids overnight by themselves ... I can still be a human and do things. Which is exactly what I want to do. I've met a lot of different people along this journey, and from some I have learned alot and pull tremendous strength from and others,.... they have weeded themselves out of my life. And that's okay to. I know that those who are supposed to be in my life will stick around and those that don't will go away. (I might have to force them to leave, but I'm not scared to say such a thing if needed)

I've had a few "learning experiences" in the dating scene that has awakened my sense of awareness that I know what is necessary and what isn't. It's easy for Satan's influence to take over if you let it. Luckily I've risen from those mistakes and am a better person because of it.

So many times I feel like I was short changed in this life experience. Because Chris isn't here to experience it with me. But his time was up and he isn't required to be here for the next phase of my life. But I realize that even though he's not here doesn't mean that he doesn't love me any less and that he doesn't love our children any less. This whole dang experience has made me grow in ways that would not have been possible with him still beside me. But I know that I NEED to keep living life and enjoying it. Because if I just sit in misery from here on out because I'm choosing to, then shame on me. And he won't be too happy with me because of it. I often times feel like my life has had the ultimate challenge, but you know what ... I'd gladly take this over my friends challenges. I think mine is worse but in many ways it's a piece of cake ... I have a friend serving time in prison for mistakes and this friend has lost their freedom. I still have my freedom. This friend misses out on their family, and I still have my family. I've read stories from other widows/widowers where financially things are so much worse for them. I am in a really great place financially for the time being. Some people have lost everything they had and have to start over from scratch.... I'm willingly giving up things I have just so I can start fresh. I have friends that have had to live with family because things haven't worked out for them to be independent when they want to be. I've experienced friends who have wanted to have children and have not been blessed with that opportunity, when I know deep down they would be absolutely wonderful parents. And I've had the opportunity to have six. I've been richly blessed. I have known people who are so physically ill they can't do anything and I may have a thyroid disease but I can still do things. I sometimes might pay for it for a few days but I can still do stuff. I have a friend who was paralyzed in high school and has been in a wheelchair and this friend inspires me everyday. They have lost the abiltiy to walk and run and typical things like that but they still move on. I have my mobility still.

Everywhere I look, I feel someone else has it worse than me! Yes, my house may look like 6 category F5 hurricanes may have run through here and FEMA hasn't shown up to clean up. So if you see my house as a wreck -- blame it on them. :)

Simply put I am one woman who loves my Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ and turn to them for my strength. I knew when this first happened that it was more than I could do alone. Yes, you'll see my eyes fill with tears and then run down my face, if your see me drive in my car I sometimes BAWL and let it out (sorry if you experience that sight). I am a solo parent here on Earth trying to raise my 6 beautiful, amazing, wonderful children that can also frustrate me to no end. I can't live with them but don't want to live without them until they finish high school. Trying to figure everything out alone is difficult but I've always been ambitious in getting things figured out and getting them done. Plans don't always go according to how I hope but the end result still happens. And that, my friends, is the biggest lesson I've learned to date. That even though I had a plan and wanted it to go a certain way, Heavenly Father had a different path for my life, but the end result is still the same. So as long as I'm still moving in the general direction as best as I can, I am enough with their help. I don't want to do this, but I can do this.

I've had to settle the waves of grief in all of my children and it breaks my heart that they are going through this too. We're not perfect - far from it, but I'm trying to do my best and just relying on mercy from my heavenly father to make up the difference where I have fallen short.

I've also been able to get back into getting physically fit again, I've come a long way but still not there just yet.

I feel cut off from friends that I had prior to Chris's death. I feel isolated sometimes. And I realized that being alone isn't good for me, I need people. So I make it a point to talk with other humans and get out of my house every day if I can. I want to be an influence for good in my life, just not sure how to go about that yet.

9 months out and several years in front of me. Things aren't going to be easy but I think I'm finally learning that they aren't meant to be. Only through our trials can we stretch and really grow and learn who it is that we're to be and become.

I don't know why this has been my trial, but I want to embrace it because I know it could be worse. And I don't need worse for me right now.

Happy Easter - almost 5 months out

So here I am almost 5 months out since my life was turned upside down.  A lot has happened.  A lot is still the same as it can be without him here.  

I've had moments where I can't believe people can be so mean.  I've had moments where I've been completely happy.  This isn't a black and white journey anymore.  Actually it never was.  I can be happy and get ambushed by a wave of emotions and I can be utterly feeling like all hope is lost and then someone comes along and makes me feel like that isn't the case.  

I've had a few more firsts that I've experienced without Chris.   On St. Patty's day I fell off my back steps in the process of rolling my ankle.  I cried. My phone went flying and I was more worried about it then myself for a few seconds at least.  But I still took my kids bowling that night and they loved it.  It was a lot of fun.  

I ended up playing in a basketball tournament game later that week too.  And the last few years he was there in my cheering section. He was my one fan.   And this year wasn't that way.  I did have fun though.  

I've been hitting up the local rec center so I can workout 3 - 4 times a week. And I'm loving how I feel once again.  I really don't know why I got off this wagon years ago.  But I'm back and it's here to stay.  

I've also had a few dates in the last month as well.  Two great men, and lots of laughs and fun times.  It feels good to get out and do something with a male adult! Oh my gosh, I sure wish that life wasn't so unfair to people.  So many different challenges and trials that people have to face and I keep wondering which one isn't so bad?  Which one is the easy trial or challenge?   But I've come to realize that they all stink.  Just because I feel like the one I'm in is the ultimate awful one of losing the love of your life, there are others out there that are being tested to their capacity in different ways. 

I was blessed with a kind, loving and compassionate heart and hearing of people that I care about or those that I just meet and the things they have to deal with really make me empathize with them and I wish I could take away all their hurt and pain.  

This weekend is General Conference and this is the first one without him.  It's been really different and the Saturday morning session was really hard.  I know that we're sealed and will be with each other in the next life but it doesn't make the rest of this one any less lonely.  Today is also Easter.  He was the one that took care of prepping for Easter and not having him here really stinks.   Not having anyone here stinks.   But I guess so goes the course of my life.  I'm such a people person and thrive on that and not having another person around to talk with and share my feelings with is hard.   The lack of affection, is hard.  All those things that you might take for granted you really start to miss.  And even the things that I didn't take for granted I miss as well.  

The kids and I are taking a trip this Spring Break and it's going to be the first road trip without him too.  It will be nice to get away though, I need to rejuvenate my mind and my goals and purpose for being here now. Because what I thought it was before he died is no longer what it is now.  

But since it's Easter I am feeling so much more different about the resurrection. And know that because of Jesus Christ's atonement he overcame death.  And that because of him, my family is eternal.  But knowing all of that still doesn't make the here and now a whole lot easier.   I still have the load of two people fall on just my shoulders.  I keep hearing rely on your friends and family.  Well, it's easier said than done.  I don't want to be a burden on anyone else, and if someone really wants to help then I feel like they can just freely offer and I can accept or decline.   I know that life isn't over when someones earthly life is over.  It is hard to want to go on, but I also know it's worse to sit back and chose to live in the past.  My immediate future is looking great and I'm choosing to be happy. But because of others occasionally my happiness level is reduced.  But on the same token if I feel like I need to cry and get the tears out and the frustration and stresses I don't hold back either.  Yesterday was one of those days.  And my car works as a great privacy sound barrier and I can sound as awful as I need to and nobody can hear me. 

I will cheerfully persevere.  It's not going to be easy but if I can find ways to be happy in the moment all of the sudden I can look back and realize that I made a whole week, or month and was happy.   And this last month has been just that.  I've been happy.  There were a few rough moments but just a few and they didn't last very long.   I'm really glad that I do have two new friends that I can talk to if I need it.  And they are fine with it.  It makes me feel like someone else cares and I can get it out of my system and not keep talking to walls here in my own house.  I am realizing the value of GOOD friends again.  I've gone so many years having Chris as my one GOOD friend but I realize that he's not an option now.  And finding others that aren't going to make me feel bad because of my situation are priceless right now. 

Happy Easter

I want to fix this PROBLEM

I was just thinking tonight how I feel like having lost my husband feels like a problem that I need fixed. 

You know much like a problem where you forgot to pay your electricity or gas bill and you need to do something before those things get turned off.  Or where you missed putting gasoline in your car and you are almost out, or you forgot about an important meeting that's starts in 10 minutes but the location is 15 minutes away and you aren't dressed for it.   Or, the darn computer keeps giving you a headache because it operates so slow a snail is able to move faster.    Or you had a fight with your best friend and need to make amends. Or you hit someone's car and know you need to tell them but you can't quite get the nerve to do it.  

All these problems are fixable and sometimes unavoidable, but they all bring inside a person a similar feeling.  I keep feeling lately that there's a solution to this situation I'm in, that somehow I can rewind time and things will be just fine again, or that somehow I'm stuck in a horrific dream and can't quite wake up from it, or sometimes I feel like I missing that one thing I can do to FIX this problem.   

We didn't have any problems, well, at least not when he slipped away.   I'm rather fortunate that things are where they are.  He was preparing for THIS and didn't realize it and neither did I, until IT happened.  

I know that this isn't a fixable problem, at least not in the immediate future.  I'm adjusting to life as a sole parent on Earth and trying to do what a team of two did together, doing it solo now.   I'm finding a groove slowly, it's not easy, not fun (well maybe once in a while), but there are things that were so much better when he was here.  

I've lost pretty much any desire to cook (and I loved to do that before - my poor kids),  I've lost any desire to really "clean" anything or declutter or anything like that.  I've gained more of a desire to need to be with other people, it's weird I'm a people person, so I'm trying to make sure I'm mom when I need to be, but still trying to create who I am now without the man I've been with for the last 16+ years.  

Tears are still coming unannounced.  But really the timing is slightly predictable - during the night, on Sundays, when I'm reading things of spiritual natures, or when I just have silence and start to think about what has changed.  Trying to keep moving forward, but sometimes I don't know which way is really forward because I feel like I've been spinning out of control for the last 11 weeks almost and even longer if you count the month he was sick before he passed away.  I'm trying to find some firm footings somewhere to know where to go and what to do and right now I've got nothing except to find another home.  

It will be bitter sweet, no matter when it is but I know that the only good sleep I've had was when we had our furnace go out and we stayed in Santaquin with my father in law at his home.  The kids loved that and so did I.  

There isn't such thing as normal.  I used to think that there was, but really I keep thinking that everyone that I see could be gone later that same day or the next or in a week.  Life is seriously precious and really is giving me an indication that it's meant to be lived and not feared, but still there is some anxiety when I think that so and so could be next, or heck even myself.  (Of course, I hope not for a very long time). 

And that brings me to the phrase "If we endure it well". I've been learning what that really means the last two months and have gathered that it doesn't simply mean to sit around and not do anything but to really ENJOY and be HAPPY while I'm enduring.  I equate enduring to living.  Granted there is a time for pause while a grieving person is trying to get their feet on solid ground again and head out from the fog that encapsulates it during this time.   But when the dust settles and feet are firmly planted once again, it's time to get to work. 

Again if I haven't said it already I don't wish this on my worst enemy.  Losing someone really brings to light those things that are of worth and worth our time and those things that don't really matter.  I'm not really "living" right now I'm kind of just floating along and in a daze at that.  That's why I'm writing my thoughts down so that I'll remember them later, when I really need to fall back on it.  

Tonight I want to SCREAM!!!

I didn't choose losing my husband at such a young age!  At least not to my current knowledge but I'm under the impression that I signed up for this.   I think I've always sensed this was going to be my lot in life.  

I think he sensed it too.  It was always jokingly, but I think he sensed it.  It's one of those things that when you take the time to look back over impressions and conversations that you see a pattern start to emerge.  Of course, in the midst of every day life you aren't looking for it, and many times it gets overlooked.  Now I don't say this to start making you try to see what might be lying in store in your future, because I'm not.  I'm just saying that for me, I think we both knew this was coming.  We didn't know it in the sense that we really planned for what to do if it did happen, but I think we both just knew.  

Often times he would jokingly (at least it came across as jokingly) that he was going to die when he was 45 (or some young age like that, just not 40) I kept telling him to "Shutup, and quit talking like that."   I of course, didn't want to face a situation of that magnitude because quite frankly it scared me.  Why it scared me, I can't quite explain, but it did.   Often times people are scared of the unknown, and the feelings that linger beneath the surface.  But as I sit back and think about the last several years I can't help but feel like I had moments where that thought would flash in my mind and I would push it aside.  I didn't want to pay attention to it.   Do you blame me?  I don't.  

It's been two months since my sweetheart has passed on, and I have cried so much since then than I thought was ever humanly possible.  I might actually start crying before this is over too, that's just how it works.  In these two months, we've celebrated Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years Eve/Day, our son's 10th birthday, and all of the other day to day stuff that happens.  We've painted our living room to give it a face lift.  I'm changing out furniture because I feel like it, not to mention it's old and needed to be replaced a long time ago.  I've had my furnace stop working over New Years Eve and it was out for a few days, so we stayed at my father in laws house.  It was really refreshing to stay somewhere else for a few nights.  I've had bills to pay, we've gone out to eat a few different times.   I'm now experience my first sickness without him here, and my three year old is sick too.  My kids have missed the bus a few times in the last two months, which has required me to drive them, and often sets back the rest of the morning.  (I'm not a natural morning person so this has been rough)  And what makes it more rough is when you have a difficult time getting to sleep at night.  All the memories creep in, all the thoughts of the good times, an the replaying of the weeks and days leading up to his eventual passing away.  

When he passed away I experienced an intense physical pain.  It wasn't just emotional but I had a physical pain too.  I was now separated from the love of my life, he was my prince charming, he was my man!  And now, he isn't with us physically anymore.  We were one, we were connected in our purpose and in our love for each other.  And now he was just ripped away from me without any warning.  Yes he was sick, but I had hope that he was going to get better.  That was not to be.  

I've learned a lot about myself, and it really isn't awe inspiring or anything but I know that my love for him runs really deep to the core of my being.  And his absence is heartbreaking for sure.  There have been many times and moments where having him here, would make everything not feel so bad but I don't get that now. We were and are a team.  If decisions needed to be made we usually made them together, so now that I've had to make decisions I'm my only sounding board unless I manage to bore someone else with my crazy thoughts.  Which sometimes they can be very off the wall crazy.   He was my stabilizing factor, the person that when things started to go not the way we had planned he'd talk me through it and help me understand and see how things weren't nearly as bad as I perceived them to be at first.

I found that I was relying more on him, then on my Savior Jesus Christ, and my Heavenly Father.  So since then I realized that I needed to change that within myself.  I need to lean on them for strength, peace and comfort.  I've gained a better knowledge of the love that they have for me, and just because they love me and I'm trying to do whats right doesn't mean I'm not going to experience trials and challenges.  And if you ask me - this particular challenge beats them all.   But at the same time, I look at my situation and feel that I'm in a rough spot right now but realize there are others that have it worse then what I'm going through really is.  And I'd rather have this trial then one that another person is struggling with that I think is way more unbearable.   But really, I've also discovered that through these low moments and the darkest of days, I have a source of light to turn to and seek comfort from.   Yes, it might not be tangible like sometimes I long for, but it puts me in a place that brings me closer to my Savior and that much closer to being with my sweetheart again. 

I keep having moments where it just all seems too hard, and too much for me to handle and deal with, which results in a break down of tears and lots of praying to God.  I also have moments where being the sole parent here on Earth is very overwhelming and my kids aren't very cooperative and I just want to SCREAM because it isn't fair!   It's a real feeling, I know, I have it multiple times a week and usually multiple times in a day.   It isn't fair, but it's what my life is now.  I don't wish this on my worst enemy. 

I don't know who I am without him right here beside me.  And that's what this next year is going to be about.  Creating who I am in a world where my sweetheart doesn't live anymore.  I miss him like crazy, and I would like nothing more than to see him once again.  But I know that isn't going to happen, hopefully for a long, long time.  We have six kids that need to be raised and I want to be a grandmother someday. 

I long for companionship, and maybe someday that will happen.  But for now, it's all about me.  Which feels weird too, but I'm reinventing myself, I have to.  If I'm going to survive this.  It's all I can do sometimes to just breath through minute by minute but eventually I know it will get easier, it just isn't that time right now.  

So if you hear a scream off in the distance please know that I'm doing my best, but right now it's feeling very overwhelming to me and not something I'm really enjoying either.   I sometimes just need a release, and sometimes multiple releases.  

Longest three weeks of my life so far ...

You know, I've learned a lot in just the last three + longest weeks of my life. 

Mostly about the atonement. As a younger person I didn't really understand what the atonement was really all about.  I had the idea that it was just for those that had done something wrong and that was it.  But now, NOW I realize it is so much more than that.  And it's the perfect thing in place for me to lighten the burden that I'm now left with.  And the other day before I went to the temple that realization of what it really was hit me, and so before the temple visit I handed that over to the Lord.  I feel at peace and I feel calm, even though things are really chaotic and crazy.  There are several unknowns in my future, but I feel that with Faith I can move forward and know that things will be okay.   This of course, doesn't take away the pain and hurt I feel in losing Chris, but at least it gives me something to look forward to.  

 I'm realizing now, that I was probably at the peak of my personal and spiritual growth with him here, and that for me to complete my learning and growing he had to go ahead of me. I realize how easy he made life for the kids and I.  He was pretty much perfect with a few bouts of obnoxiousness in there.  

Ben (Chris's brother) and Shantil and there family came by last night and were visiting for a while, and before Ben left I asked him for another priesthood blessing, because I have been having a few rough days where the emotions have been so close to the surface.  And the intense loneliness that I was feeling was so much to feel at once.  So in the blessing, I was assured of the Love my Heavenly Father has for me, and that he is still watchful over our family.   And towards the end of the blessing, it was said, "Your husband is still watching over you, and he is thinking of YOU all the time." 

That was something I had been worried with, if he was even thinking of me, and if he had just forgotten me and the kids.  And that just helped alleviate that concern.  He is so dearly missed, and I feel the ache pretty much every day.  And sometimes still can't believe that this is my life now.  It feels weird to try and move forward, and the idea of being truly happy and feeling joy in the future is hard to grasp.  Chris was the best part of my life, and my greatest blessing and now that he's not physically with me anymore I feel a huge whole in my heart and a deep ache in my body. 

Really quick though ... the other night I was having a rough moment and I was bawling and wailing and the kids were all in bed, and I just wasn't feeling so great about this situation at all, and after what seemed like a long time, I had this simple little thought to go and listen to his talk that he gave at his mom's funeral three months ago.   So I went to the computer and put in the audio CD and found the track that was his.  I can't tell you how soothing hearing his voice was to my soul.  I also had his stick of deodorant and kept taking whiffs and I was looking at a photo of him all at the same time and it brought me a lot of peace right then.  I know sounds silly.  But the part that really struck me in listening to the talk, the words he spoke were in regards to his mother, but it was like he was talking to me specifically and telling me answers to questions that I had been asking for the last several days and weeks since his passing.  So he was talking to me, in his voice and answering questions that I was having and it was amazing how calm I felt by the end of his talk.  He was and is a very wise man, and he was so great at comforting me when I really needed it.  And right now, I just wish he was here to bring me that comfort that I so deeply need.    

Anyway, sorry for the rant, I'm just in what I'm calling widow fog and whatever seems to come to mind seems to find it's way out of my mouth or typed onto the screen. 

We have church in a few hours (1pm) so I should probably make sure my kids start the long line of showers and baths to get everyone ready in time.  

And on a happier note, we'll be heading up to Temple Square tomorrow night (Monday) with Ben and Shantil and their kids to check out the lights.   I'm kind of excited for it.  I'm so glad that they had mentioned they were going to do it and offered the invitation for us to join them.   Because taking the kids anywhere and by myself isn't really desired or fun. So I'm glad we have someone else to go with.  

Not sure how today will turn out, since it's the first Fast Sunday since his passing.  I know the spirit will be strong and my heartache will be there too.  I might need to pack along extra tissues today.

The beginnings of a very long journey

So I feel like my memory isn't going to be very solid for a very long time.  As it is, my memory of the first few days and weeks since my sweethearts passing are a bit of a blur.  And really it's a good thing.  

I remember pleading with the Lord that very night and the next day in between people coming over that he would erase the image that I last had of my sweet husband.   I cried, and cried because it wasn't a very pretty last image.  I just had a death experience three months earlier and it was so peaceful and spiritual and expected and we all came together and shared memories and the spirit in the home was so abundant.   

Now, with this experience from just a little over three weeks ago, which was completely different I find myself really struggling especially the last few days.   I remember lots and I mean LOTS of people stopping in to give me hugs, drop off things, clean up the kitchen - which had been a mess for almost a month since he first got sick and all my attention was spent trying to help him.   I had money given to us, and lots and lots of people giving me assurance that things would be okay.    We had people coming in to drop off food items, going shopping for paper goods, (toilet paper, paper towels, plates, bowls, plastic ware etc..)   

I feel overwhelmed to say the least.  I'm not used to being on this side of the service.  My  husband and I have been on the other side of giving to those in need, and it made us feel so good to help out where and how we could.   So I don't know if it's a bit of a pride thing that's hanging me up, but I find it really hard to be the recipient of such generosity and love.   

On the Saturday after Chris's passing, I was looking for a cassette tape that I know he recorded with the kids.  And I couldn't remember where it had disappeared to.  I had a thought as I was looking at his dresser/nightstand and saw his huge pile of neatly folded clothes and under all of that was a shoe box, and I thought "What if???"   So I removed all the clothes to the bed keeping the pile neat and folded, and sure enough after messing with stuff in the box, I found it.   I put it in the cassette recorder that we had and the only source to play a cassette and nothing on the side that was available to play at first.  So I flipped it over and rewound the tape a little and hit play.   

The first thing I hear is his voice and he's singing Chris LeDoux's  "Look at You Girl".   He always sang that to me and EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. I would end up in tears.   He sang fantastically, and whistled well too.  He was always singing these love songs to me and it melted my heart.   So when I heard him singing one of my favorites that he did, I instantly felt like I was getting a really tight hug.  And that's all I needed to know that I can do this.  No, it won't be easy.  No, it won't be fun.  Yes, I will miss him like crazy.  But it was his way of letting me know that he knew I can do this.  

Granted after the passing of a loved one, the first of everything tends to be really difficult.  But, I'm trying to face them head on.   I know I'm going in the right direction because I'm feeling peace and know in my heart that somewhere in the future I'll look back at this time and realize that it really was a major boost in my spiritual and personal growth.  But right now, I'm just in survival mode.  I can see how some might want to take their own life after such an extreme loss, and a traumatic experience.  No, I don't feel like that at all, because I have a responsibility to my children to continue to raise them.   And I know that my Heavenly Father loves me and is very mindful of my family.   I know the gospel of Jesus Christ is true!!  Families can be together forever and that means beyond the end of our mortal lives.   I know that I will see him again!  I can only imagine how sweet that reunion will be, and I look forward to it, but hopefully not for a very long, long time from now.  I want to enjoy my children growing up and experiencing all their firsts.  And eventually grandchildren when that time comes.   Chris and I are a perfect match for each other.  We made complete sense together.   Yes, life without him is going to be challenging, but that's what is going to make me into the person Heavenly Father wants and needs me to become.  And I don't think I would be able to become that person with my best friend, confidant, lover, and perfect husband remaining at my side.  

This isn't something I ever imagined to be in my life plan, and it's more testimony to me that I'm not in charge of my life really.   I can make plans, but have to be adaptable if reality changes.  Well, my reality has changed in a major way and now it's going to take some time to figure out what to do, and what my goals are now.  Since things that we had talked about and were planning are no longer going to happen.  

Everyone probably realized that we were set to close on a new house, and I've still felt pangs of sadness when I think how small this house feels and know that I was so close to being able to move into my dream house.  But I know that right where we are is the right place for us to be right now.   And I'm so thankful that Heavenly Father was actually showing me tender mercies all along to prepare me for this, but I didn't realize it as it was happening that it would be for an event as this.







I don't wish this on anyone, at an age like mine.  It's going to be rough, I'm going to be lonely, I'm going to be dead tired, and need breaks.  And my kids are going to want me to do "ONE" more thing, and everything that Chris and I did together I know I have to do on my own now.  And I'm overwhelmed to say the least.

My word of advice for those of you with your spouse still with you, if you aren't out of debt right now .... make a vigilant effort to get out of debt now!!!  Luckily we were out of debt earlier this year thanks to our effort of working together on our money matters, and we were ready to start helping others out exactly how we're getting helped out now.  No reason to delay it, you never know when one of you won't be there and trying to be responsible for debt after the passing of someone could be really hard to deal with.  So other than our home we don't have any debt.  I've been trained really well and will continue to use the system that Chris put into place.  He made it so simple and easy.   I thought going onto a budgeted amount of money for buying groceries was difficult and it sucked, but you know what -- I see now how that has helped me.   And I'm so glad my husband was perfect at preparing for the future.   

Suffering a Great Loss

As many already know, my husband, my children's father,  Chris Randolph passed away unexpectedly Thursday night November 13, 2014.    

A night that forever changed our lives.  My heart was broken from this sudden loss, and I'm deeply saddened because my best friend, my lover, my husband and the father of my children is no longer with us here physically.   

The pain of the night that it happened is a pain I never want to experience again.  It's so real, it's so painful, and is worse than anything you can imagine.  

I've noticed though, that in telling my story about that night it's getting easier to cope with it.  So I want to share it here for anyone that is interested in knowing what happened.  I can't explain why it happened and I'm not going to attempt to either.  

My husband came home from work on October 17th and said he felt like he was coming down with something.   Sure enough by the next morning he wasn't feeling well at all. He had a fever going on, but was still his playful self.   A week went by with what we thought were symptoms of the flu (in hindsight).  After one week of feeling that bad we went to a family practice clinic to have him checked out.  They did x-rays and blood tests and after 1.5 hours in the office came into the room and said, "Yes, you are definitely SICK!"   They had taken a few chest x-rays and had the radiologist look at them and said, it looks a little hazy but it doesn't look like pneumonia.    He was already having difficulty breathing by this point.  We had been doing breathing treatments at home, and nothing seemed to be making it better.   He was still forcing  himself to go to work though. However, he missed the primary program at church that next day and he felt so bad that he had to miss it.  He just seemed to get worse through the next week.  He was showing up at work later and staying later and his coworkers were telling him he should be at home resting, and I think maybe even said he should be in a hospital for how bad he was.   He was so winded with everything he tried to do.  Just taking a shower was so hard.  

He missed going with our family to an indoor trampoline park a few days before Halloween, and even though it was lots of fun I wished he was there with us too!  We were in the process of buying a new house as well.  Things were seriously crazy!    I was gathering up those papers as I needed them, and had him sign as he needed to.  We were excited for that next adventure in our lives.  The setting was ideal and we were dreaming of all the stuff we could do with it.  On November 1st - later in the day around 9pm or so he was groaning on the bed and it was really as close to crying out in pain as he could get without actually crying.  Must be a man thing ...?? Not sure.     So, I instantly knew we should take him in, but he swore it was a pulled muscle from all the coughing he had been doing.  He said we could go in but lets wait till morning because he was tired and wanted to get some sleep - he was convinced it was a pulled muscle.  I got a little bit annoyed with him and left the room saying that if he didn't want to take my advice that was fine, but I was going to go back to the projects I was working on in the other room.   (Seriously there isn't much I could do to help this situation when he doesn't want the help.)

About two hours later he got up to use the bathroom and called for me and said that I was right.  We should get him in now.   His breathing was labored, it was painful and he felt the need that we should take him in to the ER.   So I told my older girls what was happening.  

We drove to Timpanogos Hospital in Orem, Utah - which is where our insurance is good at.  I pulled up to the ER entrance and ran inside and asked if there was a wheelchair, luckily there was one sitting right there in the hall so I grabbed it and ran back to the van where Chris was still sitting.  We got him in the wheelchair and got him inside the whole while he's holding his right ribcage.  We scanned in his drivers license and the lady behind the desk was printing stuff off and we finally got buzzed through the doors after a few seconds.  We were guided to a room beyond the triage area. They hooked him up to oxygen right away.  And started poking and prodding him with all sorts of needles and such.   They took him for an x-ray and sure enough he had pneumonia in both lungs and it was pretty severe.   The ER doctor told us that he was having us admitted and there started the 9 day stay at Timpanogos Regional Hospital.  He was on oxygen the whole time, he was doing breathing treatments around the clock, he was on morphine the first few days and he was not able to talk very well because his throat was pretty raw from all the coughing the last two weeks.  His appetite was not good.  This was a Saturday night.  Sunday - my hometeacher and his wife brought our family dinner after church that day. After I had a chance to eat I went up and visited with Chris.  A few other members from our ward went to visit him as well.  The visits were great but it was draining him of energy.   His Dad came later that same Sunday and they sat and watched a football game together.  He was there way after I had to leave and get home to my kids.  I hated to say goodnight to him.   I came back the next morning after the kids were at school and had my three year old with me.  We were there for about 5 hours and in that time I had to help him with his shower.  And I mean everything that needs to be done, I did for him.  I kept thinking to myself, if this isn't love, I don't know what is. 

 We spent time together over the next several days, most of it in silence but that was okay.  We just loved being with each other.  We are a team and we love doing things together. That Monday I brought the kids to see their Dad, and it was a circus for sure.   Needless to say I didn't stay very long that visit. The rest of the week had me going in the morning time and then come home for a few hours make sure the kids had food for dinner and then I'd go back in the evening for a few more hours.  Which I would help him brush his teeth, and occasionally we would watch a movie together.  That time was so precious to me now. (In sickness and in health - I was with him all the way)  I really hated leaving at night because I was afraid something would happen to him and I wouldn't be there to help him.  After a few days he didn't need the morphine as often and eventually stopped it altogether middle of the week. About that time his appetite was coming back.   Throughout the week several of his siblings came to visit him, some a few different times. 

I had to fight feeling guilty because I was spending so much time at the hospital while my amazing children were holding down the fort at home.   The kids were amazing through this.  I kept telling Chris how great the kids were being, and as such said, "Go ahead and start netflix for the kids.  Just be sure and tell them that I'm not going soft in the head but it's because they are being so great through this."  So on Friday I set that up for them (us) so that they(we) could be entertained here at home and I wouldn't feel as guilty being gone with my husband at the hospital.  I was forgetting to eat at home, so I would only remember as I was already heading up - so I stopped somewhere pretty  much every day and picked something up to eat back in his room.   We did jamba juice one night and just enjoyed being together.   Oh how I wish I could have that again.   I was getting really antsy for him to be back at home, with the rest of us where he belonged.  But his breathing was still having issues.    Saturday night we were informed that they would do a CT scan the next day to make sure they didn't see anything new or different and that as long as it was okay we could go home on Monday, November 10th.   They performed the CT scan on Sunday morning and nothing new was revealed.  So the doctor felt like it was okay to head home, however, he was hesitant in letting him come home.  Well, it sure took a while to get the okay to leave and come home. The kids enjoyed him being home, and he even had a stay outside in the fresh air bundled up sitting on a chair in the sun.  Esther had finally interacted with her Dad on her own accord, because in the hospital she didn't want anything to do with him.  

We got set up with oxygen here at home, and had a concentrator plugged in.  And I grew a serious appreciation for nurses especially those that cover the night shift.   He basically stayed in the recliner that we have in our living room and I'd still help him with all the things I was already doing while he was in the hospital.   Tuesday was a rough day since he didn't sleep well Monday night, so he had a hard time feeling like he could catch his breath all day. Tuesday night he slept better, and Wednesday was an AWESOME day.  We were finally hopeful that he was on the road to recovery. 

He was smiling most of the day felt really good, he was playing games with Esther, later that night we were watching Quantam Leap on Netflix, and sharing a big bag of dark chocolate m&m's.   And Esther especially loved that daddy was sharing with her!  Things were good, peaceful.  He stayed in the livingroom and I went to my bed to sleep.  Nervous as heck like the previous two nights at home and all the nights while he was in the hospital.  

We woke up the next morning, and from the start he was having a hard time catching his breath.   We headed down to Payson for a Dr. appointment as a followup from the hospital visit.   It was a cold day.  Chris was so winded by the time we got him into the building from the car, and he looked terrible - like he should have been in the hospital.  After a few tests, x-rays and breathing treatments in the office he was looking so much better.   Still extremely winded and difficult to feel like he was getting enough air.   According to the x-rays there he still had the pneumonia clear throughout both lungs and all over in the lungs.   We headed home, and it was now snowing.  And I remember telling him, "Gosh, this is when I wish you were well enough to be driving"  (I hate driving in tricky weather conditions).  

Upon getting home, we had a little bit of time before I had to go get my kids from school.  I remember sitting on my couch after the kids were home and thinking, "Oh man, I've got to go get something figured out for dinner, but I'm so exhausted)    No sooner had I finished saying that, one of our dear neighbors was knocking on the door with an armful of stuff to eat for dinner.  I started to cry when I realized that they were inspired to bring some food over.  Dinner was now taken care of.

My sister in law had come over to do piano lessons with my kids since it was that day of the week.   She brought two of her four kids with her, and we had a houseful of happy fun noise going on.  Chris didn't mind it at all.   Around 6 or 6:30 I proceeded to warm him up some of the food that was brought over which is some of the best stuff around.   And he had about 5 or 6 bites from his bowl before he needed to go use the bathroom.    So we pushed the table away from the recliner, and he got up and walked in there and sat down on the toilet and he was breathing so hard and so heavy (like he normally would when walking into that room, which wasn't very far away) and he asked me to rub his back and shoulders as this has usually helped to calm his breathing down previously and after 10 minutes of me doing that it wasn't getting any better.   Esther our three year old who is potty training and nearly there came running in, I have to go potty!   We only have one bathroom and I started to panic not knowing what I could do so that she wouldn't have an accident but ... the first thought that came, run her next door.  So I ran her over and luckily the neighbor was home and let us use their bathroom.  And as I was leaving, her husband was coming in from being at work or something like that.   I ran back home, and put Esther down, and ran to Chris and saw him laying on the floor between the sink area and the toilet/tub area.    I almost got a little freaked out right then, till I realized he was conscience and I ran up and knelt by him and rubbed his head and asked him if he fell.  He said, that he didn't fall but that he felt light headed, so he laid down.    I ran to get the oxcimeter we bought just a few days ago, that helps monitor the oxygen level, and pulse rate.   The first time I put it on, it read low 70's for his oxygen level and mid 40's for his pulse rate.  Now I started to freak out.   I told him we needed to get him to the hospital.

Because he is a big guy there was no way I could do this on my own.  I ran back next door trying to remain as calm as possible and recruit Kawika.  He came over, and I sent a daughter to the other neighbor to get him.  Chris was down on the floor for at least 30 minutes and could not get up on his own.  We helped get him up to the chair that I put in there and he suggested to swap it out with the black desk chair that has wheels.  Brilliant on his part - like he always is.   So we got him to the black chair, and in this process realized he was covered in sweat - just from laying on the floor.  I knew something wasn't quite right.   

We got him in the car with the help of another friend that was walking by right at that moment and I had pulled the van up onto the lawn so that we didn't have to go to far to get Chris in the car.   Once in, I left and just took off.    (I had already arranged a ride for my 10th grade daughter to get up to the high school since she was part of Pirates of Penzance).     On the way to the hospital before we got on the freeway he was still telling me how to drive.   I could hear him breathing since it was pretty darn audible.  And I was nervous as heck driving him up to Timpanogos hospital where we had just been released three days earlier.   By the time I was at the intersection right in front of the hospital, halfway through the turn, it got eerily quiet and after I finished the turn I looked over and it was pretty.  My sweetheart had stopped breathing on me.  I was crying and pleading that he stay here, and as I pulled into the parking lot he was falling over into me since we hadn't buckled him in.  So I put up a hand to hold him up and his face was so lifeless.  Right then, I knew things were never going to be the same.   I was honking my horn as I was pulling up, and screaming for help.  Luckily two people were walking out just as I pulled up and I fumbled to remember how to get my window down and once I did, I screamed that he wasn't breathing!!   They ran inside and within seconds here came a team of people running out and the first doctor opened up the car to check the situation, and I'm completely hysterically crying he assured me that I did everything I should have.  He wasn't breathing but he had a pulse.  It was a weak pulse, but it was a pulse.    They had a hard time trying to get him from the car to the gurney, and off they went running into the hospital.    I came running, and crying right behind them. 

 The people at the desks were so kind and helpful asking me who they could call for me.  And the first person that came to mind was my sweet sister in law Amy.   I knew her number and they called her.    I hadn't remembered to bring either of our phones so I didn't know anyone else's number.  However, I did remember to bring my kindle fire with me, and left it in the van.  I gave my keys to one of the ladies and told her she could move it out of the way too.   So I pulled up LDS Tools to get my bishops number and from there, I can't quite remember anything else except reaching my parents was pretty hard.  And we managed to call his Dad.      These amazing people were doing there best to make me comfortable and calmed down as much as I could be under those circumstances.   The Dr. was very honest and upfront with me, and said it really was serious and didn't look good.   Remember, I already knew it wasn't going to be the same.   Through a crack in the ER room they pulled him into I could see them doing the chest compressions and that set me off about the reality of the situation, someone noticed my view from there and adjusted the curtain so that I couldn't see.   

Eventually Amy showed up and she had no idea what was going on, other than it was about Chris.   So she was with me, and they had us head back to a private room away from the craziness, and we just cried.  The Dr. came in again and said that they were doing everything they could and had this been a nursing home patient they would have stopped already.   They worked on him for 15 - 20 minutes before they came in and called it.   My bishop was in the room and of course, Amy.   So I wasn't alone, but felt so alone.  

I had some of my good friends from my neighborhood end up at the hospital along with Chris's Dad.   And the whole thing was just surreal.  The doctor told me that when I was ready I could go in and see him.  It took a little bit of time.  I just kept thinking this isn't happening.  My husband didn't just pass away.   

After some time and priesthood blessing from Chris's father, and my bishop I felt like it was time to go see my sweetheart.  They warned me that he had a tube coming out of his mouth.  That he was basically naked, but that a blanket was covering him up.  And they had cleaned the room up.   It was definitely hard to go into the ER room where he was at, but it helped me understand how real this situation really is.  I kissed his forehead, and searched for his hand under the blanket.  His skin was so cold, but he did look peaceful.  His illness was now over.   

But that's when my journey was just beginning.   It's not one I would suggest.  But really the spiritual side of everything I was roaring like a lion, but my heart and body weren't there yet.   They probably won't be for a while, and that's okay.  From what I hear it takes time some longer than others, but it takes time. 

So upon getting ready to leave I had a friend drive my van home with me sitting right where he had just been.  Luckily my role in the van this time wasn't the same so it wasn't too hard for me, but it did take a few days before I got up the courage to face that difficult challenge.    

This story will continue in another post. 

A dumb little squeal....and several hours later.

I can't believe it's Friday already, and it's the end of February.

Yesterday, I had an appointment to take my Van in to have a squeal checked out.
The appointment was at 10am and that wasn't a problem to get to. I had my two boys with me, and Thomas was already in his school clothes so we could take him right to school if the van took that long.

Well after arriving at 10am they pulled our car back within a few minutes and by 20 after 10, they came in and let me know what the problem was. (ENTER SHOCKED LOOK) We needed to have the serpentine belt replaced and the pulleys that it sits on, and the tensioners.... and all these parts plus labor were estimated to be around $310.00 to fix. After contacting Chris on the phone to double check if we could go forward and fix this now, he said yes, and the work was under way.

I asked the office guy how long it would probably take, and was told it'd be about an hour and half. No problem. It should be done around noon .. I'll just take the boys over to Carls Jr. across the street and get lunch and let them play.

So off we went to Carl's Jr, to get some lunch. We ate, we played, we got tired and we were there for an hour and half waiting for the call that our van was done. We never got the call, so I told the boys it was time to go and check on the van. So now it's 12:30 and Thomas is now 15 minutes late for Kindergarten, and he's begging to go to school.

I get back to the car shop and find out that they discovered another problem on the same system that needed to be replaced as well. This was going to be an additional $65.00. And with a car that has as many miles as ours and it had never been replaced yet, it was no doubt time for a whole new system.

They didn't have the part right away so they had to order one, and wait for it to be delivered. No telling how long that would have taken. But unfortunately I was waiting in the office when it arrived and it took about a half hour.

But before the part arrived I tried calling my sister in law for a ride but she had all her van seats out and had them replaced by a car load of things she had to take somewhere. So no luck getting all of us in one trip, so I said never-mind, and tried to think of something else I could do. I didn't have anyone's phone numbers on me and didn't have access to a phone book... because lets face it, cell phone numbers aren't listed in there anyway.

The guy had offered to take us, but I declined that option. So the boys and I decided to walk to Amy's house (the sister in law that I called) who lived about a 20 minute walk away. That was after I was told the van would be another hour or more to finish up. So scrap that, I wasn't waiting around anymore. The boys were good sports, and we walked the block where the back of the hospital is, and got to see the helicopter up close. They really liked that.

We were starting to get COLD, so we went into the building and cut our way across to the front side of the block so we didn't have to spend so much time outside. IT really helped. We got nice and warm and then only had to walk outside about as much time as we had already spent walking before we entered the building.

When I got to her house, she was kind enough to let me borrow her van that was loaded down with things other than seats, and drive my son to school. I left Ethan with her while I took Thomas. And Ethan was more then okay with that, seeing how he was getting to play with his cousin Isabella.

Thomas was really nervous about going so late, but luckily he didn't throw a major fit like some of my other kids might have. He was excused on his Tardy, because we had no way to get there before that. Oops. So he was an hour and 15 minutes or so late for school, and he only goes for a few hours a day as it is.

I went back to Amy's house, and stayed there for a while, because what else would I have done....walked back to the car shop and wait? No thank you. So we got to visit for a little while as I waited for the phone call that my car was done.

Then Dan,her brother and my brother in law, showed up to drop something off, and we chatted with him for a few minutes, and before he left my phone started ringing. I was getting hopeful at this point!! And then Dan went out the door to leave while I was on the phone, as the car shop was telling me the car was good to go.

I got off the phone and let Amy know, and said -- I wonder if I can hitch a ride with Dan!! I ran out the door and he was opening his car door, and I asked if he wouldn't mind giving me a ride to where my car was so I wouldn't have to walk again. I left Ethan with Amy, and didn't even get a chance to tell him I was leaving. Oh well.

So now the time is a little after 2pm and I am back at the shop.

Pay for the repairs, get the car and yes.. the noise was completely gone!! Yeah, it worked.

Needless to say I left home a little before 10 am and didn't return home until after I picked up the kids from school a little after 3ish, and was home by 3:30.

A long day. But I can't complain, because I felt well and not sick (because I was sick with a cold a few weeks earlier) and the boys were good sports. However, I was extremely tired by the time I got home, but couldn't go to sleep just yet, I still had one daughter at the school for an after school activity.


PS>>> I am considering myself extremely blessed that I was able to drive my car to the shop rather than having it break down somewhere and having to pay for a tow as well. Because the problems with our car, if we didn't get them repaired, the belt could have snapped off, the pulleys could have popped off, and then the car would just stop moving wherever it was at. That wouldn't have been any good at all. So even though it was a stressful day for me, it could have been worse, and I'm thankful that it wasn't.

The girls New Bedroom ....

Once again, I've been busy painting in a bedroom. 

Once again, it's not mine. 

Once again I've completed a goal I set for myself.

Once again, the house is a wreck everywhere else.

Once again, dishes are piled up high, 

once again clothes are ALL over the house. 

Once again, school is going to start, and all this is okay ...because I was able to take this:

Which has only gotten this bad since I cleaned back in May.  My kids have way too much stuff!!!  Time to declutter and dejunk. 

So here I've managed after a  LONG, EXCRUCIATING week of clearing out the MESS and equally dispersing of it throughout the rest of my house, yard and garage, and a few trash cans, to finally clear out the room and get it EMPTY!!  Yeah for me.   (With some minor, and occasional help from the kidlets that reside in this humble abode).   The walls were NASTY ... marked up with just about everything one could imagine, and even popper exploded on the wall.  The last time this room was painted and had clean walls was right before I had Heidi 8 years ago.  All this happened in 8 years time... YUCK.

Of course, you can see their lousy place of a closet. And all the work materials sitting up there on top. 

We moved the beds all outside so that we could paint the room.  And paint the beds. So outside they sat for about 3 days. We got so lucky that it didn't rain while they were out there either.  Although on the last day we had several storm clouds above and kept hearing the thunder so we were hurrying to finish up the paint jobs on the bed frames so that we could get them inside before any potential harm from rain.  Luckily it never rained on us though. 

So after a long week... we moved the girls back into their bedroom....   We switched up the positioning of the beds. Actually they were just like this but flip flopped.  I wanted something a little different.

 

A great find of a dresser off from KSL.  I love it!!! So now all the girls share this dresser.  Should help contro the amount of clothing each one of them can have and hold onto.

We didn't have a real border or trim around the sliding glass door so I had to "MAKE" one.  I think I did a GREAT job if I do say so myself.  And I do say so!!  The only problem left is trying to find a good window treatment solution.  Vertical blinds are not it!!  We've tried curtains and rods... and they just get ripped out of the wall.  So now I'm going to try just using some velcro attached to the wall, with the other part on the "fabric/curtain" that I decide to use.

Here's the closet area.... With a MAD pile of books that we had to rush inside for fear of rain ruining them. We're waiting to get the book case painted and then I can organize their books again on the book case that sits inside this closet area.  

I seriously feel we've outgrown this house.... someday we'll find a new place to live that will be big enough to make me feel not so cramped. 

One of Kaylee's Misadventures....

VIEW THIS AT YOUR OWN RISK.

CONTAINS IMAGES OF A CUT ON A FOOT AND HAS A LOT OF RAW LOOKING SKIN.  DO NOT CONTINUE IF YOU GET EASILY GROSSED OUT. 

DON'T BLAME ME

 HAVE A GREAT DAY.

Well as you might remember we made a trip to California back in June.  We left on a Saturday, and by the following Monday Kaylee injured herself.   Luckily I wasn't around to see all of this play out, but

I've had to deal with a lot of the aftermath since then.   So don't look on, if you get squimish looking at cuts and raw looking skin...  Just scroll all the way down and see what it looks like now.  (Just a scar and all healed) 

These pictures were all taken almost two weeks after the accident happened. 

Soaking her feet in a sink so we could loosen the suture strips that were placed there by a nurse that looked at her while we were there, thus saving us a $750.00 copay to the ER... (Don't get me wrong, we would have taken her in if this were a more life or death injury, and as it turned out it wasn't -- thank goodness)

But by this time after being on for a week and a half they were getting loose and starting to fall off.  And I knew I could let her just go around with them half falling off, because the site was oozing stuff, which made me think it could have been infected. 

So we soaked, and used peroxide to work off the suture strips.

Seriously GROSS!!! 

 I was nearly wanting to FREAK out when I saw this because it still looked BAD and the accident had happened almost two weeks prior.  NOT A GOOD SIGN AT ALL. 

Ta DA!!  We got them all off, and proceeded to use peroxide to clean out the wound as best we could and then put some Neosporin type stuff with a pain reliever in it on and used some bandages to cover it again, to wait through the weekend and take her back in to the doctor on Monday. 

As it turned out, the doctor saw her on Monday and felt like there must be an infection deep inside the cut that was preventing it from healing, so they soaked her foot in a soap solution for about 20 minutes and then cleaned her up, gave her a prescription for antiobiotics... and asked us to go back in 1 week to look at it. 

I didn't get pictures of it then, but it was amazing how quickly it changed once we got her on the antibiotics.  The skin started coming together and sealing off.. and it was just amazing!!  What a miracle. 

And just earlier today about 5 1/2 weeks later since those

other pictures were taken here's what she looks like. 

I do have to say it looks a lot better now.